A few months back I came across a zombie flick called Bigfoot vs. Zombies, and it was absolutely terrible, like the kind of terrible that makes you fall into a downward spiral of misery and despair where only the sweet release of death will free your tortured soul. That’s probably hyperbole, but it was pretty bad, however, that’s not what I’m here to talk about. No, that would be the thought that was obviously occurring to everyone reading said review, why does it take this guy so long to say the movie sucked, but that would make for a boring article, so I think it’d be more fun to talk about the second thought that might have occurred, would a zombie actually eat a Bigfoot. The answer is no, and the answer to your second question is yes, you do always capitalize the word Bigfoot out of respect for the species, or Bigfeet if you’re using the plural.
Honestly, I can understand the confusion. The lifeist stereotypes of us would have you believe we’ll eat anything with a pulse, and this is simply not true. Frankly, it’s insulting. The truth is that we will eat anything human with a pulse, big difference, or any mammal really, fish too, I think I ate a cricket once. Okay, so we’ll eat a lot of things, but there’s still creatures we wouldn’t dream of stuffing down our gullets. I’ve talked about the relationship between zombies and the rest of the so called supernatural world before, and I don’t think those shindigs would have been able to happen if those creatures and such had been afraid of our bite. There’s five questions a zombie musk ask when deciding to eat somebody:
- Do they taste good? Zombies aren’t the pickiest of eaters, but certain things just aren’t worth the hassle of trying to eat. Remember, zombies are really lazy, and trying to get our meals is a lot of work, so if we’re going to make an attempt to eat something, it better damn well be worth it.
- Do they share a kindship with us? Much like the living, well, most of the living anyhow, we don’t care to eat our own. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen because it absolutely happens, but it’s generally not on purpose. As for what constitutes our own, we’re pretty liberal with it. You have all of Zombiekind, this includes a diverse group of undead creatures that come from different backgrounds, virus, necromancy, nuclear radiation, techno organic manipulation, demonic possession, and of course interdimensional manipulation (as if I needed to tell you). That’s already a pretty big group, but in addition to that, we also include a few members of the living like voodoo zombies, rage zombies, and some honorary humans who would never have to worry about being attacked (they know who they are). Beyond that there’s vampires, they might be assholes and a completely different type of undead, but they’re still undead. We also include werewolves, but that’s mostly because…
- Can they break us without much effort? If it’s something that’s just going to rip us apart before we even get a chance to bite them, then what’s the point of trying. There’s cases where hunger will drive a zombie to attack things they know they aren’t going to be able to take, but any rational zombie isn’t going to try and eat a werewolf. That’s good too, because werewolves are a blast to hang out with as long you’re gone before they get too drunk. This leads to our next point.
- Are they fun to hang out with? If you can make us laugh, we’re much less likely to want to eat you. You can eat a person anytime you want, but fun is much more difficult to come by.
- Are they going to make a good zombie is we don’t completely consume them? Some creatures are just sad as zombies. Humans will never be passed over for this reason because even the most useless human being makes a pretty good zombie, but other types of beings aren’t worth the trouble. Since we’ve already used werewolves twice, might as well use them a third time. Have you ever seen a zombified werewolf? I have, and it is not a pretty picture. They keep trying to run around, climb trees, and generally act like their excitable former selves, but after becoming undead, their bodies just can’t handle it anymore. They start falling apart quick, and this leaves them very depressed. Nobody wants a to see sad zombie.
So now we have a list of questions a zombie has to ask before they can eat someone, one I guess you didn’t ask for, but that doesn’t really answer the question of would a zombie eat a Bigfoot. Well, considering it would take extreme circumstances just to get a zombie to violate one of these rules, and Bigfeet violate three of them, I’d say the question is pretty well answered.
First of all, Bigfeet taste terrible. I don’t know personally as I’ve never bothered to try, but there are stories from the few zombies to attack a Bigfoot in hunger controlled psychosis and survive. It’s supposed to be very stringy, and tough to chew, to the point you might lose teeth just biting into them. The smell is bad enough, I don’t even want to think of the taste. I mean, we smell bad too, but at least we have an entire industry dedicated to making us smell better for the rest of you meatbags, easier to blend in and all. I don’t know what their excuse is, but it probably has something to do with living deep in the woods. Secondly, they are an absolute blast to be around. Sure, they’re constant preaching about the importance of the environment gets kind of annoying, or at least the grunting that is supposed to represent preaching, but they really know how to let loose. They build these huge bonfires, play their own very unique version of music that I cannot at all accurately describe, and brew some strange drink that tastes like a combination of whiskey, berries, almonds, and diesel fuel but will have you all kinds of drunk in no time. The shindigs Bigfeet throw in their forest hideaways are an absolute blast, you just have to be careful when they start to get really drunk. The berry moonshine stuff they make is delicious, but it’s very strong, making it difficult to gage exactly what constitutes “too drunk” when you yourself are already wasted. You don’t want to leave too early because you don’t want to miss the fun, but if you hang around too long you are bound to find yourself in the middle of one of their insane drunken brawls. They will tear into each other and completely forget about anything around them. I’ve seen these people rip a zombie in half and then proceed to use the pieces as weapons against other Bigfeet, and that’s the third reason a zombie wouldn’t attack a Bigfoot. There is no circumstance that doesn’t end with the zombie walking away in multiple pieces should he or she decide to attack a nine-hundred-pound mass of smelly muscle. Sure, you might be lucky enough to get a bite in, which in and of itself is going to cause some damage, but you’re going to be utterly destroyed before the Bigfoot starts to turn. That’s three out of the five questions that would end with the wrong answer should a zombie consider attacking a Bigfoot.
That makes it a big fat no on the Bigfoot eating, at least baring insanity, extreme hunger, or a desire to be beaten to final death. There just isn’t a good enough, sane reason to attack a creature that will taste terrible if you eat it, can tear you limb from limb, and provides free booze with the only stipulation being that you drink it with them. A human is always going to be a better choice.
That’s it for this Zombie Zoo. Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.
The Undead Review