Texas Voodoo Zombies

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An ex-con in desperate need of a job does his best to appease the man who could send him back to prison, but when a spurned former girlfriend tricks him into ingesting voodoo power, a mix up creates a small group of the undead in a Dallas neighborhood.

There are a lot of “bad” movies I enjoy, cheesy flicks with no real story or character development that are fun nonetheless. The type of movies I grew up watching in the eighties are a great example. Sure, they were at times just excuses to show a lot of gore and bare naked women, but they were fun to watch, and I enjoyed the hell out of them, still do to this day in fact. Whenever I’m feeling bad, when I’m having an awful day, or when life, or the lack there of, has got me down, a cheesefest is exactly what I need for a much welcome smile. Hell, Jason Takes Manhattan is my favorite Friday the 13th film, and lord knows how cheesy that flick is. So bad movies can be fun to watch, this is not one of those. This movie is about as far from fun as one can get. If fun was the Earth, Texas Voodoo Zombies would be a distant star seventeen galaxies over. I normally wait until after the plot to go into whether I either liked or disliked something, but I’m giving my disgust away now because I want to give fair warning that I will be spoiling the end, I’ll be spoiling most of the movie in fact, but it’s my spoiling the end that I’d like to give advance warning about. I think it needs to be spoiled because it’s an extremely lazy ending, the kind of ending that’s been hated and ridiculed (deservedly so) for years now, and I’m not sure why some filmmakers keep using it. Despite how much I despised the absolutely awful viewing experience of watching this bomb, I don’t want to completely ruin it for someone who might want to watch it regardless, so here is my early warning just in case. I might have hated this movie, but I love my readers, so there you go. Now that my warning has been stated, let’s get this show on the road.

Our film begins with Doobie Jones, a man fresh out of prison attempting to placate his sadistic parole officer who delights in tormenting Doobie with the knowledge that all it takes is a phone call to send him back to prison. Making his life even more difficult is a feud between his current girlfriend and an ex named Sabrina that desperately wants Doobie back if only to piss off her competition. Things seem bleak, but a glimmer of hope comes in the form of a job offer from a friend, the job in question involves Doobie being an exterminator for an upstart company. Unfortunately for him, one of his first extermination jobs ends up being at the home of his ex, Sabrina, and when Doobie leaves the room for a bit, she poisons his orange juice with a Voodoo powder meant to corrupt his life until he wants nothing more than to be with her. When he comes back, Sabrina hands him the juice and goes to get him a check, leaving the box containing the mysterious powder siting wide open on the counter as people tend to do with their magical substances (I know I leave my most precious and dangerous belongings lying about for people to find). Doobie knocks the box over, spilling powder everywhere, powder he gets all over himself as he puts what he can back into the box, the rest going into his sprayer for some reason. Sometime later, Doobie decides to have himself a party, and what goes better at parties than bean dip with a little voodoo powder mixed into it. Not that Doobie meant to mix it in, but somehow or another it ended up in there anyways because keeping your sprayer full of poison away from your food apparently takes a lot of forethought. When the hungry party goers get into his bean dip (which they constantly refer to as bean dip even though it’s just a bowl of beans everyone is eating with a spoon, not sure if that qualifies as dip) they end up as drooling zombies hell bent on attacking anyone they come in contact with. Of course you won’t care by this point because you’ve already sat through over an hour of some guy trying to get a job before any of this happens.

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{No amount of chainsaws are saving this thing}

There is so much to dislike about this movie, actors with no actual acting ability, zombie makeup so atrocious you have to wonder if they didn’t let some kid with a paint set just have fun, horrible dialogue that doesn’t seem to have any point but stretching out the runtime, and some truly awful action scenes that were reminiscent of watching two drunks fight, but the hour you have to spend before anything even happens is easily the worst thing about this steaming turd of a movie. Texas Voodoo Zombies has an hour and thirty seven minute run time; of that time, nearly an hour and fifteen minutes is dedicated to Doobie trying to find a job, having pointless conversations that have no bearing on the film other than making it longer, and other unnecessary distractions that serve no purpose. It was almost like someone either forgot they were making a zombie film or realized their extremely boring movie needed a new premise and so hastily threw together a zombie subplot. It takes forty five minutes just to get to Sabrina spiking Doobie’s drink with magic voodoo powder (which apparently everyone in Louisiana knows about), then it’s another fifteen/twenty minutes of more pointless dialogue and standing around before we finally get to the zombies. Then we get not quite twenty minutes of horrible looking zombies before Doobie wakes up and we have to watch a dance competition for ten minutes because I definitely watch zombie movies for the dancing. Oh, you caught that waking up part huh? Yeah, about that, everything that happens when it comes to the zombies, you know, the thing you actually sat through the agonizing boredom to get to, it’s all a dream. Seems the magic voodoo powder was in reality magic dream powder, and Doobie dreaming about zombies was somehow supposed to make him take Sabrina back. I didn’t entirely understand how that was supposed to work, but that could have been a combination of my brain shutting down from boredom only to restart in rage mode when the “it was all a dream” ending happened. It was bad enough to have had to sit through this garbage, but the dream ending was the nuts on this shit sundae (the pointless dance competition being the cherry).

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{I lucked out, this picture encompasses two of the four faces I had while watching this, the other two being rage and sleep}

Every time I think I’ve seen the worst zombie movie available, something like Texas Voodoo Zombies comes along to show just how much worse things could be. I get that not every filmmaker is going to have access to a cast of amazing actors, but I’ll never understand the point of hiring people who obviously have nothing even close to acting talent. You remember those old training videos from the 90’s, the ones where they got nervous employees that obviously didn’t want to be in the video but were forced to smile for the camera regardless? That’s pretty much the level of actor you’re going to be seeing here. I honestly don’t think anyone helping to make this film was even trying, and if the acting doesn’t hammer the point home, then the makeup for the zombies certainly does the trick. It’s basically just blue paint covering most of the skin (the lines where the makeup stop are usually pretty visible) and large black circles around the eyes. Don’t let the cover art fool you, these are some of the laziest makeup jobs you can find in a zombie flick.

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{The dollar store is great for a lot of things, buying makeup for your zombie movie isn’t one of them}

For a movie called Texas Voodoo Zombies, there’s surprisingly little voodoo or zombies, but I guess they got the Texas part, so that’s something. Had I done my top ten most hated zombie flicks a little later, this one certainly would have ended up on it.

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: Victor McGlothin (On the Radio)

Starring: Garrick Thomas, Sarah Umoh (On the Radio), and Dehz Donahue (Carter High, 8 Days)

Written By: Victor McGlothin (On the Radio)

Released By: Victory Vision Films

Release Year: 2016

Release Type: Strait to Video

MPAA Rating: Not Rated

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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