Zombie Fight Club

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Bath salts turn the residents of an apartment complex into ravenous zombies at the exact same moment a group of corrupt police officers storm the building, and it’s up to the survivors to fight their way out. Also, there’s a zombie fight club in case the title wasn’t explicit about that.

Okay, since someone has once again incorrectly made a bath salts and zombieism connection, I feel the need to clarify something that’s been asked of me several times. No, that dude in Miami was not a zombie, and no, bath salts will not turn you into a zombie. They might make you cut your own legs off, murder a friend, or fully believe Batman is trying to kill you, but they won’t turn you into a zombie. If things that could cause you to lose your mind in the worst possible way (as opposed to the better ways available to a person that is) then PCP would have been creating zombies for decades now. What really irks me is that all it took was a few opportunistic vultures masquerading as reporters, bottom feeders that were latching onto a rumor in the hopes of advancing their worthless careers, and now zombies get to be linked with bath salts, something not found in the Miami Face Eater’s system. Of all the substances we could be linked to, we get stuck with freaking bath salts, not weed or shrooms or liquor or anything else fun. Hell, I would have been okay being associated with whip-its, they’re pointless but at least they’re interesting for all of two minutes, but no, zombies get stuck with one of the worst drugs this side of being part of a Freddy Krueger nightmare, a drug I’m not even sure the undead care to mess around with. Look, all I’m saying is that the next time you feel like making a “bath salts hahaha zombies” joke, maybe switch out the bath salts for liquor and weed. It might not be any nicer, but at least it’ll be more accurate.

Our drug filled disaster begins in an apartment complex where a group of drug dealers go about their business while a group of corrupt cops enact a plan to rob them. Unfortunately for all involved, one of the dealers received a package from his cousin in America, a package full of the recreational nightmare known as bath salts. Though they’re bad enough on their own, these pill versions have the added benefit of turning the user into a zombie shortly after they’ve been ingested. In only a short amount of time, nearly everyone in the building has been turned save for a few who must fight for their very survival. To make matters worse, the little baggy of pills that started this whole series of events is apparently so powerful that, even though it was delivered to one person in one small part of the city, it takes only thirty minutes for the entire city to collapse under the weight of the undead. Understand, that thirty minute figure isn’t based on run time, the movie begins with a scene of the entire city turned to smoldering wreckage with a message about the zombie apocalypse, then the film proper starts. We’re told, via screen text, that this beginning takes place thirty minutes before the city was overrun, so either there’s some kind of zombie Flash running around the city, throwing fire bombs, and biting everyone he comes across, or these pills have magic abilities that were left undiscussed.

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{It might be the same magic that makes zombies bleed CGI blood}

Oh, I’m sorry, you were probably expecting me to make a comment about some kind of zombie fight club right? After all, it’s in the title so it should be a big part of the movie that would have ended up in any description of the plot. Yeah, about that, if you don’t want to have this movie ruined for you, I’d stop reading here because I’m about to spoil a few things, and as much as I, personally, wish to see every copy in existence burned under the heat of a thousand stars, you might still want to give it a shot, and I don’t see any way to bring up some of the film’s biggest issues without spoilers. You’ve been warned…

This is your last chance to turn back…

Okay, so about that whole fight club aspect in a movie called Zombie Fight Club, it doesn’t happen until over an hour into the film, and even then it’s just kind of thrown in there like someone suddenly remembered what the their movie was called. That’s right, you have to deal with an entire hour of set up in which you will be treated to some of the worst, laziest, and most pathetic special effects to ever curse a zombie film, only to get a half assed, barely relevant fight club towards the end. At forty minutes in, I was already doing my damnedest just to keep from turning the movie off and then curling into a ball so I could imagine a world in which this piece of trash didn’t exist. At an hour in, I could no longer bring myself to even care about what was happening on screen, something made worse by the sudden change up at the hour mark. After the sixty minute set up time, the film jumps to one year later. The world has been overrun by the magical properties of zombifying bath salts so powerful they can turn the living into zombies, even if they’ve never come into contact with said bath salts, and the city in which we started out is now a zombie infested hellhole run by a crazed father who lost his daughter to the undead earlier in the film. It’s this man who sets up the fight clubs by pitting his still living slaves against groups of zombies for entertainment purposes. This could have been awesome if for no other reason than the inclusion of Andy On whose character (creatively named Andy) is one of the survivors from the apartment building. If you never seen any of his other performances, please, do not judge him by Zombie Fight Club alone. He’s an extremely talented martial artist and has done great in many of the flicks he’s been in, but he’s sadly wasted here. What could have been an awesome foundation for the film was treated instead as an afterthought. Not only is it impossible to care after already sitting through an hour of absolute garbage, but the film makers put so little effort into the fight club that it comes across as a minor part of the film despite it being in the freaking title.

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{Stare at this picture for a couple of minutes and you’ve pretty much experienced all there is to the zombie fight club}

There is next to nothing of value in Zombie Fight Club, and the one thing that came close to impressing me actually made the rest of the movie even more frustrating, and that was the zombie makeup for one of the characters. The effects for this movie are easily some of the worst I’ve ever seen, just awful, awful stuff that anyone with even a passing dedication to their craft would have been embarrassed to show off. I find myself wondering how anyone thought that this garbage was going to be considered okay in a zombie movie. The makeup looks not just horrendous, but silly as well, nearly ninety percent of the blood is obvious CGI, and the gore is absolutely ridiculous, not in a way that one can at least laugh at, but in a way that makes one certain nobody cared about what they were producing because anyone that did would have at least put in the bare minimum of effort. This isn’t hyperbole on my part, well maybe a little, these effects are quite literally some of the worst I’ve ever seen, not just for a zombie film, but for any kind of film. Then we get to the zombified daughter of the city’s ruler. Yes, after she turns, he decides to keep her because he hopes to cure her someday, or that’s how I took it, the movie states he did it to keep her alive which is kind of impossible at that point, but he himself mentions wanting to cure her. Her reasons for being there aside, her makeup work is amazing. She not only looks eerie, but kind of sad as well, as if she somewhat remembers being alive. It was great work, but all it did was make me wonder why, if someone there did actually have some talent, they let all the effects and makeup fall to the wayside like it didn’t matter.

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{She’s not sad about her death as much as she’s just bothered no other zombies look as good}

Of course, even if they had done an amazing job with the effects, Zombie Fight Club is such a mess that I don’t think it would have mattered much, which might explain why, with one exception, no effort was put into making the effects even halfway decent. Besides the ridiculously long set up and the zombie fight club being nothing more than an afterthought, the zombies are all over the place (one zombie had a giant mouth for a torso while another is strong enough to lift a bus), a lot of things don’t make any sense (a man’s old army uniform turns out to be a giant pair of robot feet, two characters fall though a large floor into a bus when the scene before makes it pretty clear the bus has no business being there, etc., etc.), and the disturbing amount of rape is only disturbing because of how poorly it’s handled (there’s not much real emotional impact, as there should be with something as serious as rape, instead, much like everything else in the film, it’s just thrown in there in the hope that it might shock someone in the audience, they give rape the same weight as stealing a loaf of bread). Zombie Fight Club earns itself a top spot in my list of zombie flicks that should never be seen.

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: Joe Chien (The Apostles, Zombie 108)

Starring: Andy On (True Legend, Three Kingdoms: Resurrection of the Dragon), Jessica Cambensy (Double Trouble, Beach Spike), Michael Wong (7 Assassins, Z Storm), and Terence Yin (The Man with the Iron Fists, Special ID)

Released By: Sun Entertainment Culture and Scream Factory

Release Year: 2014

Release Type: Straight to Video

MPAA Rating: Not Rated

 

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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