Bigfoot Vs. Zombies

BZ1

When the corpses at an isolated body farm begin reanimating thanks to the side effects of a doctor’s experimentation, only Bigfoot can stop the rampaging cadavers and save the few members of the living hoping to escape with their pulse intact.

Bigfeet are one of the few creatures on this planet that happen to get along with the living dead. Yes, the plural is Bigfeet, I don’t know how many times I have to say this. What else would you call them, Bigfoots? That’s just silly. Anyways, almost no zombie on this planet is going to go after any Bigfoot. There are three very important reasons for this. One, they smell terrible, I mean really terrible, like day old butthole that’s been left out in the sun terrible. Zombies will eat some pretty terrible smelling stuff, but there are limits. Two, there is never a reason to murder anything that parties as hard as a Bigfoot. You have never seen anyone drink like a Bigfoot can drink, not even your drunk uncle who, at every family gathering, decided to prove how much alcohol they could shove down their gullet without passing out before running around naked and then passing out (we all had those right). Barrels and Barrels of good hooch will be consumed at any Bigfoot party, and the more they drink, the more fun they are to be around. They come up with the coolest party games, they prank other Bigfeet in hilarious ways (those Jack Link’s commercials got the whole thing backwards), and when they get in fights, it’s like watching an old school WWF match mixed with the greatest barroom brawl you’ve ever seen. In fact, the drunken fights kind of lead into number three, how unnaturally strong they are. If you’ve watched them fight each other, there is no way you’d consider trying to take one down. I would rather fight a starved bear on PCP than try to eat a Bigfoot, at least the bear won’t rip me apart and then taunt me with the parts. Actually, sending an enraged bear on PCP sounds like the thing a drunken Bigfoot would do. I need to stop talking, don’t want to be giving them any ideas.

Our film begins on an isolated body farm, a place where corpses are placed under various circumstances to test the rate of decay, with a doctor whose been injecting his own special serum into the corpses to speed up that decay, thus freeing up space for more bodies and defeating the entire purpose of a body farm. Unfortunately, his serum has the side effect of reanimating the dead and sending them on a hunger fueled quest for human flesh. While most of the staff are zombified rather quickly, a small group do survive the initial onslaught, the doctor himself, his assistant Renee, a new employee dealing with the worst first day of work ever, and a local hunter that had been called in to deal with what was believed to be the work of a large wild animal like a bear or a mountain lion. I say believed to be because the actual culprit might be considered a wild animal, but he’s neither a bear nor a mountain lion. No, the actual creature they’re looking for is the legendary Bigfoot who’d been investigating the strange property and the odd bodies that were left strewn about. The big guy is caught as unawares as the rest when zombies start attacking anything they can get their hands on, but Sasquatch is a hell of a lot harder to devour than a normal human, something the zombies quickly discover first hand. The small group of survivors and the angry forest dweller will have to work together if they expect to survive the world’s most useless body farm.

BZ2

{You know a movie is going to be great when it has artwork like this…wait, poster art doesn’t represent a film?  Well crap…}

First things first, I want you to scroll back up to take a look at the poster. Have you done that yet? Did you get a good look at the artwork up there that makes it seem like this might be an interesting flick? Okay good, now forget everything about that picture because the reality of what this steaming pile of turds is really like is completely different. The old saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover” has never been more pertinent. I wasn’t expecting a masterpiece, it’s a movie about Bigfoot taking on a bunch of zombies, but after seeing the cover, I was intrigued and a bit excited, expecting something with at least a small measure of effort put into it.  Sadly, I was completely wrong. I’m assuming, so this is totally my opinion here, that the filmmakers were going for a “so good it’s bad” kind of vibe since there is no way anyone could have thought this was going to actually be good, but what came out was simply lazy, devoid of anything redeeming, and an insult to every independent film maker that works hard at making a good movie. The story makes little sense, the dialogue is atrocious, the effects are worse than pathetic, and the acting makes that time you went to your cousin’s kindergarten play look like a Broadway performance. Where do I begin?

BZ6

{The shocked face of someone who just now realized what kind of movie they were staring in}

The first thing that bugged the hell out of me destroys the entire reason for this film’s existence, and it’s the damn formula that is used to speed up the decay of the dead being used for what seems pretty useless reasons. The movie is supposed to take place on a body farm, if you’re not familiar with a body farm, it’s where bodies are placed around a property so that researches can study the rates of decay. The bodies might be put under water, in direct sunlight, under a tree, half buried, or any number of other situations that mirror the places a body could end up, all so that doctors can see how different environmental circumstances would affect a body. If one were to run a body farm, the worst thing they could do would be to directly interfere in a body’s natural rate of decomposition, so why would you want to speed up the decay? The doctor explains that he’s doing it for more money and at the behest of hospitals that need him to take more bodies. This brings up two questions, why are the hospitals begging him to take bodies and how does he intend to keep making money when researchers figure out his bodies decay way more quickly than they should. The hospitals begging him to take more bodies makes no sense when you consider they’re paying him to take the bodies and hospitals are notorious for cutting every possible cost they can, so them paying someone to take bodies off their hands when they could dispose of those bodies themselves isn’t likely to happen unless said hospital is being run by someone incredibly inept. Well, what if that hospital is being run by a moron who doesn’t understand finances? Okay, in that case he’d still be shut down rather quickly since body farms aren’t something that popped up yesterday nor is research into body decay a brand new science. It wouldn’t take long for people to figure out that something was wrong, and once they did, he’d be shut down and any money he hoped to earn would evaporate. The entire plot is pointless and a great example of the lazy writing, maybe the best, though far from only, example.

BZ4

{As pointless as having a security guard that takes forever to realize someone is grabbing him}

I could go on and on about how awful the writing is and how little effort was put into making a good movie, so, in an effort to keep this as brief as can be, and so I don’t start frothing at the mouth and go into a massive rant, I’ll just pick a few of the more prime examples:

  • Bigfoot sneaks into the back of a Jeep right past two people who are no more than five feet away from him. I’m not sure how no one noticed the giant freaking lump that wasn’t there before.
  • A zombie sneaks up on a woman in the woods, and by sneak up I mean makes a ton of noise that the woman somehow never notices.
  • A security guard is attacked by a couple of zombies and ends up having both his arms ripped off, yet when they show the now zombified security guard, his arms have mysteriously grown back.
  • A zombie slides off the back of a truck when a man isn’t looking, freaks the guy out, and then slides back on to the truck for whatever reason, all from inside of a trash bag. I guess some zombies are just pranksters.

These are some of the major ones that annoyed me, but it’s by no means a complete list. Especially since I haven’t included the end fight between Bigfoot and the zombies in which the zombies kind of halfheartedly take swipes at the big guy while Bigfoot swats at them with all of the emergency of someone trying to shoo away an annoying fly. Oh, well I guess I included it now.

BZ5

{There’s also the fact that this zombie talks for some odd reason, but I think I’m just beating a dead horse at this point}

Then there’s the acting, though actually calling any of the performances acting might be a little too generous. I understand that not every independent flick can get great actors, but if you can’t get actors that seem to even want to put in the bare minimum of effort, then what’s the point of including them. Why not simply wait until you could find people that at least looked like they wanted to be in your movie? I get that they were going for the “so bad it’s good” thing, again, my opinion, but none of these “actors” put in even the bare minimum of effort in trying to do something resembling acting. They mostly stand around, looking bored, while uttering awful lines like “Bodies don’t seem to last long around her, hmm,” and “What is a body farm? A place where they plant the living and harvest the dead?” Just awful, awful stuff. Never mind, I just figured it out after typing that. If I had to utter the stupid bits of ridiculous dialogue that were written into this piece of garbage, I’d have trouble trying to show anything other than contempt as well. I’ve seen pornos from the 80’s that had better dialogue.

BZ3

{The fact that this guy looks like he came from an 80’s porno is irrelevant}

Lastly, and this might be the worst thing about this excuse for a movie, there are the effects, or at least what passes for effects when you’re elementary school ran out of money for the Halloween haunted house. Bigfoot was created by attaching a wig to a cheap gorilla suit (that had what looked like fake vomit, the prank stuff we used as kids, glued to its chest), the zombies had either papier-mâché glued to their faces or wore dime store masks, and the makeup was so poorly done that it wasn’t even completed. That last one damn near caused the remote to be thrown through my television. You’d see a zombie whose face was one of the two cheap types described above, yet the hands would look nice and manicured, and there were several parts where you could tell where they had stopped doing the makeup on zombie actors’ faces. It was lazy, it was pathetic, and whoever passed for the effects supervisor should be ashamed of themselves.

BZ7

{I’m not looking at their terrible version of Bigfoot again, so here’s a cute Bigfoot instead}

In the end, there is absolutely no reason for anyone to watch this unless they want a lesson in how not to make a film. As much as I love the idea of Bigfoot taking on a horde of zombies, the execution was a joke. Avoid this one at all cost.

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: Mark Polonia (Jurassic Prey, Empire of the Apes)

Starring: Danielle Donahue (Jurassic Prey, Queen Crab), James Carolus (Jurassic Prey, Empire of the Apes), Jeff Kirkendall (Amityville Death House, Camp Blood First Slaughter), and Steve Diasparra (Jurassic Prey, Queen Crab) as Bigfoot

Written By: Mark Polonia (Empire of the Apes, Camp Blood First Slaughter)

Released By: Wild Eye Releasing

Release Year: 2016

Release Type: Straight to Video

MPAA Rating: Not Rated

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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2 Responses to Bigfoot Vs. Zombies

  1. Gatekeeper says:

    Guess this had to happen sooner or later when someone thought combine Bigfoot, zombies and a low budget would make a good horror movie.

    Like

    • I think it could be something fun to watch, if it’s done correctly. If someone went into the idea knowing that it was ridiculous but with a desire to make a great movie I think it’d be a great comedic zombie film, but you’d still have to put the work in, something that wasn’t done here.

      Like

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