There is nothing more frustrating than running out of coverall at the last minute, nothing more frustrating or possibly life threatening if you’re among the living dead. You run out of your make up and you might find yourself slightly embarrassed, I run out of mine and I might find myself slightly dead.
I’ve mentioned more than a few times the zombie product coverall, but I don’t know if I’ve ever really talked about what it is, other than a few tidbits here and there. Think of coverall as foundation, foundation that makes you look slightly less “rotting corpse” and a little more “please don’t shot me in the face, I swear I’m among the living.” I’ve been informed by my girlfriend that what I think of as foundation is probably more akin to a primer or a concealer, but since I have very little knowledge about makeup myself other than the fact that it’s made to go on skin, that one time in Vegas would show that (don’t ask), we’re going to stick with foundation. It comes in a variety of skin tones and blends together very well when applied to one’s dead and rotting skin. Much like any other forms of foundation, you just slap it on your skin and work it in until it has the look you need. It’s not a prefect look, you’d surely never see a zombie wearing coverall and think nothing was wrong with the person, but you’d most likely think they simply had a skin condition or maybe just hadn’t slept for a while, not that they were among the living dead. It’s not a perfect solution, but it’s most assuredly a necessity for all of zombiekind, a staple you will find in any zombie’s goodie bag. We like to make sure we’ve always got at least a tub around the house as well as a little travel container full of the stuff. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not ashamed of how we look, shame is something we leave up to the living, but it does make things a lot easier when one doesn’t feel like watching out for spiked baseball bats, headshots, or the occasional torch wielding mob. Coverall is how we make sure that those torch loving mobs don’t come after us. It’s how we move among you without you knowing, at least not until it’s feeding time.
From what the older zombies tell me, many years ago, before coverall became a thing, zombies were forced to use a whole host of very bad disguises if they hoped to move about unchallenged. There were many ways zombies used to try and move about the world without the living noticing them, but the most common was covering themselves head to toe in old, dirty rags so that they looked as if they might be nothing more than beggars, smearing dirt and all matter of nastiness on their faces so that the living just outright ignored them, and claiming leprosy as a last resort if someone looked too closely. Though claiming leprosy didn’t always get you out of trouble, at best you’d be shipped off to an island or other quarantine area where food might be in short supply if the leper colony was only sparsely populated, worse, they might just kill you for bringing leprosy into their town (human cruelty might be bad now, but it was much worse then). Zombies kept trying to come up with more and more cleaver ways of hiding themselves among the living, but most either didn’t work that well or were nasty and foul. Then in 1878, an undead scientist by the name of Robert Azaliea came up with a product that the undead could use to simulate human flesh, something a zombie could smear onto his own skin so that the living might believe he or she was one of their own, a product destined to become one of zombiekind’s greatest inventions, coverall. You know how humans like to say something or other is “the greatest invention since sliced bread,” well, zombies have a similar saying, only we say something or other is “the greatest invention since coverall.” Because of his contributions to the undead way of life, Doctor Azaliea is a revered figure among zombiekind, so revered in fact, that he has his own day every year. Azaliea Day is celebrated every November 15th, a day where zombies reflect on how grateful we should be about the things we have in our unlives and celebrate with a large feast. It’s kind of like Thanksgiving, only with less revisionist history.
Coverall has been improved quite a bit since Doctor Azaliea’s originally came up with the formula, but we still owe the zombie for giving us such a tremendous gift. The first coverall products left a lot to be desired, lacking the realism later formulas would achieve. Now we have access to hundreds of different coverall products, there’s close to four dozen different skin tones, products that help with sun damage, waterproof coverall, coverall in more wild colors for those party loving zombies, and even a coverall product used for patching up damage until you can make it down to the union hall to get yourself properly fixed up. There’s a lot of different companies that sell it too, usually on the side so that their living customers don’t get all worked up. Most of the makeup companies you people buy your products from sell coverall under the table, selling it in bulk to undead suppliers, union halls, and the occasional zombie selling the stuff out of his home. The rest of us all buy it from these people since none of these companies sell coverall individually. I’ve always felt that zombies should have jumped on making and selling the stuff themselves instead of letting human companies sell it to us, would have made more sense if you ask me, but zombies being kind of a lazy bunch, we just let the humans supply it to us.
Coverall isn’t something you want to run out of either. Many of us will buy several tubs of the stuff at a time so as to minimize the risk that we’d run out at a less than opportune time. It’s not terribly expensive, but it isn’t really cheap either, running about forty or fifty bucks a tub, and each tub containing twenty four ounces, so you can expect to drop close to five hundred big ones every time you go to stock up. It seems like a lot of money, too much money even, but it’s such a necessary part of our lives that every penny is worth it. You essentially run into two choices, spend the money or possibly have your unlife ended a bit sooner than it might have otherwise. It’s important to be able to get around without people knowing you’re a zombie sometimes, many times in fact, and coverall is the best way to do that. Again, it’s not about being ashamed, I love being a zombie, it’s just I love not being completely dead even more.
That’s about it for this Zombie Zoo. Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out. Oh, and one more thing, Happy Azaliea Day.
The Undead Review