The other day I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer with the love of my life. Yes, I watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I love that show and I’ve been watching it for years. I don’t give two shits if someone says it’s just an emo teen drama, it’s fucking awesome and I have murdered a person or two…or three for even daring to compare it to Twilight. The only thing I’ll ever concede to a Buffy hater is how weird it is that Angel, a 200 year old vampire, has no problem making out (and eventually more) with a teenage girl; I never quite got that myself. Of course I’m a Joss Whedon fan boy so I watch pretty much anything he’s done, even Alien Resurrection. I think my only other problem with watching Buffy was his awful portrayal of zombies; he just makes us seem like a bunch of dumb walkers. I mean…
Editor’s Note: We’ve gone ahead and just cut out most of this part. It’s an overly long tirade about how zombies need to be portrayed better and how the lifeist media can’t get zombies down right. We’re pretty sure lifeist is just a word he made up to make his kind sound more downtrodden. Either way, you, the reader, don’t need to read it and we promise to take at least a whole limb for his transgression. We apologize for once again having to cut out parts of his ADHD zombie reflections. – The Men in Black
That is why these awful portrayals are so wrong. Sorry, it’s really easy for me to go off on a tangent if I let my mind wander. Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, so I’m watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer with my girlfriend. We were watching a Halloween episode where all the demons and vampires and whatnot were staying inside for the night. See, in the Buffy universe nothing supernatural likes to go out on Halloween because all the creatures of the night find it tacky and classless. Toward the end of this episode my girlfriend turns to me and asks if this is true, if vampires, werewolves, zombies, and demons prefer to stay inside for one of the year’s best holidays. She’s not a member of the living dead or for that matter a member of any supernatural species, she’s just a regular girl who loves a zombie. I love her to death (no pun intended) for accepting me for what I am despite humanity’s problem with the living dead. She doesn’t even cringe when I make a meal out of some random human because she trusts completely that she would never be said random human I snack on and let me assure that is the truth. I would never consume her flesh or even turn her unless asked. I’m not here to talk about my love life though, I’m here to talk about a question I was asked. That question was “Do supernatural creatures ignore Halloween?” The answer is an easy no, or at least it should be an easy no if Buffy hadn’t raised the fucking question. I went and did some research and it turns out that there are many who now believe Halloween is completely safe and that we all just stay inside. That is as far from the truth as you can get.
Yes, your favorite zombie on the street is here to talk about the undead’s favorite holiday, Halloween. I’m not sure who first got the idea that we didn’t like Halloween or that we felt it would be tacky of go out on the holiday, but it is complete and utter bullshit. Every creature of the night I have ever met loves Halloween and uses the night as a time to move around undisturbed. We have huge parties, organize roving bands of miscreants, and even pick specific places of vandalism. It’s our night to go absolutely crazy without having to worry about human interference. Everyone is in a costume of some sort so when some member of the living happens to see us wandering down the street, they just assume it’s another person in a costume, not an actual monster. Some of the more supernatural creatures of this world will actually even dress up in a differing costume; vampires dressed up as werewolves, werewolves dressed up as hairy vampires, and members of the living dead dressed in their Sunday finest to do what we do best.
Halloween is an especially great time for the living dead. We go house to house just like all those kids roaming the streets but we aren’t looking for candy. You’ll never read about it in any newspaper or online blog, but Halloween has the highest occurrence of disappearances throughout the year. Yeah, you can thank us for that. We are able to move around so often on Halloween night that we take full advantage of the time. We go from house to house tearing through the living like a drunk at an open bar. People open their doors expecting to see a group of young children only to find a group of rotting corpses that attack on first sight. We will eat our fill and more just because we can. The undead are very much like kids overeating their candy on Halloween night. Kids get home and want to eat as much candy as possible because it’s one of the few nights a year that devouring more candy than they should is considered normal, despite the fact that it makes them so sick. We’re exactly the same, we know eating that much flesh is going to make us sick, but we eat away anyways because why the fuck not. We know we can get away with it, so we eat and we eat and we eat, sometimes until our stomachs have literally burst, something that can and does happen. If we eat more than we should our stomachs will simply burst open and spew their contents onto the ground. Trust me, it’s pretty damn gross and a pain in the ass to fix.
I’ve heard from some of the older members of zombie kind that it wasn’t always such a nice time of year for us. Back in the early days of Celtic rituals and Druidic festivals, hunting our kind was a sport. It was like bobbing for apples, only with swords. The living would roam the countryside looking for members of the undead. The thought was that killing those that were dead and still walking around would help to appease the gods. Back in those days Halloween wasn’t a fun holiday to be celebrated with laughter and alcohol, but a very serious time of year where the people of the land worried about what the spirits might do to them. There aren’t a whole lot of zombies still alive from that time, but the few that were talk about it like it was the worst day of the year. Maybe in those days creatures of the night might have hid but the minute Halloween became something the living celebrated for fun, the undead took full advantage of the situation, going on flesh eating rampages by blending in with the crowd.
If you really want to celebrate a time where the undead aren’t out and about, then the week after Halloween is your best bet. After gorging ourselves on living flesh all night long, we generally can’t move for a few days after Halloween. It depends on how much was eaten but I’ve never met a zombie that didn’t eat more than his full share and end up paying for it up to a week afterwards. I won’t go into the disgusting process that is the zombie digestive system, but I will tell you that when a zombie has eaten too much he or she will most assuredly pay for it, so if you’re looking for a day where zombies aren’t at all active just check out the days after Halloween, not the 31st of October itself.
Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.
The Undead Review