What is about a three day weekend that brings out the drunk in everyone? I’m as guilty of it as anyone else, I mean it doesn’t have to be a holiday for me to drink, I’ll drink cause it’s Monday, but come that three day weekend and you’d think neither myself nor the full house of stumblers (drunken zombies) had had a drop in years. Come to think of it, it’s usually that way every weekend too, and sometimes during the week…damn, maybe I am a drunk. Oh well, at least there’s nothing else it can do to my liver at this point.
It’s your favorite zombie back once again, this time to discuss that ultimate booze swilling holiday Labor Day. A day when you pull out the grill, have some good friends over, and (if you’re unlucky enough to be celebrating the day with me) eventually have the cops haul at least one person off to the tank; well, the last bit depends on how much Zomshine someone brings over. Zomshine’s pretty much just like moonshine, we just add a few extra ingredients; it takes too damn long to get drunk off the stuff you meatsacks drink, with the exception of Steel Reserve 211, that stuff will get a pet rock wasted. Yes, the undead celebrate national holidays as well, though we have no idea what the hell Labor Day is all about either, we just take it as an excuse to cause mayhem in the streets. Hey, if you’re going to get the holiday you might as well make the best of it right?
Really, I don’t think there are any holidays we don’t celebrate except maybe St. Patrick’s Day but that’s only because the undead remember what it really was the Irish Saint was driving out of his country…I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with nombie. Our absolute favorite is Halloween though; it is so easy to hunt the night of October 31st, so, so, so easy. Labor Day is cool too I guess, it’s a day off at least, I would just like to know what it’s about. I going to assume something to do with this country’s workforce, maybe a thank you to Blue Collar America, I don’t know, I’m just going off of the labor part of Labor Day. In that case I guess it could always have something to do with pregnant mothers too. Well, whatever the meaning, if there is a time where we get a nationally sanctioned day to drink and act like gluttons, than we’re all for it.
So what is an undead Labor Day celebration like? I’m sure it’s much like yours except for the meal choices, the rotting, and the copious amounts of alcohol…well, the last one might be pretty similar to yours too. We also don’t really BBQ, we might turn it on just to watch the flames, but you’ll never see us cooking meat on them. Human flesh was simply not made to be cooked but eaten raw; cooked flesh, even the thought is just disgusting. I can’t imagine reaching into a human’s stomach, tearing apart the flesh, ripping chunks out just so I could throw the pieces on a grill…no thank you.
Anyways, for an undead Labor Day everyone usually shows up pretty early, you know, trying to get to their destination before the living start crowding up the roads. Then we just chill, trade some war stories, reminisce about the good ole days, break into the Zomshine, hope no one calls to report a group of rowdy zombies making a bunch of noise on my back deck, and wait till the living get a little more intoxicated themselves. See, next to Halloween, the easiest days to grab unsuspecting humans are Memorial Day and Labor Day because the living sometimes end up pretty drunk before 9 PM has even rolled around while we’re still revving up. That means tasty human morsels can be obtained with very little effort. We just wait till it gets dark and then go on the hunt, stopping to listen closer every time we hear the slurring of words. Once we’ve found our chosen victim it a simple snatch and grab and before you know it, dinners served. After that we can get to the real fun, namely getting blind, stinking drunk.
I suppose that it for this week cause I hear a nice big bottle of Zomshine calling my name, or that might be the neighbors telling us to keep it down. Either way I suppose I should go take a look.
Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie singing out.
The Undead Review