The Zombie Zoo – An Interview with a Woman Dating a Zombie

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It’s often a surprising fact for people still among the living to find out that a zombie might date outside his kind, but their surprise isn’t what always gets to me. It’s the shallow level of that surprise that bothers me. The living aren’t much bothered when a zombie discusses dating vampires, werewolves, sprites, or even the occasional spirit (ghosts need love too), but mention dating a member of the living and they’re likely to try and bash your head in on the spot. It’s a weird kind of bias too, because if you say that living person you’re dating is a witch, no one bats an eye, but otherwise you’d better be wearing a very strong helmet when you bring the subject up because someone is definitely trying to end that relationship with a baseball bat. It’s a sad statement about a society that still refuses to acknowledge the legitimacy of zombiekind as people of this world, people that will eat other people, but people none the less.

I know that I’ve brought up the dating habits of the undead numerous times on this site, dating being as big a part of the zombie world as it for the living world. In my discussions on undead dating I’ve often mentioned that I date a member of the living myself and being one of the rare few zombies that do, I thought it might be interesting for a reader to hear what it was like from her perspective. I’ve prattled on and on about things from my end of the relationship, but why don’t we ask her what she thinks about it. Here then is an interview with my living lover Amanda.

 

The Undead Review: Okay babe, just pretend it’s not me asking these questions about what it’s like to date me. I’m not even here.

Amanda: Um, okay, how am I supposed to do that?

The Undead Review: I don’t know, act natural.

Amanda: I’m dating a creature that’s far from natural. I gave up on acting as such a long time ago.

The Undead Review: Well then, pretend I’m Ron Burgundy then.

Amanda: You’re not drunk enough.

The Undead Review: Damnit babe, work with me.

Amanda: Alright, ask me what you want.

The Undead Review: Thank you. First things first, because I know people are going to want to know, how does one dating a zombie deal with the smell of death?

Amanda: You always use…

The Undead Review: No, not me, your boyfriend. Remember, I’m not here.

Amanda: Right…well, HE, you happy now…

The Undead Review: Yes, yes I am, but do go on.

Amanda: You, I mean he, can we not do the pretend you’re not here thing? I love you, but you’re being a pain in my ass with this interview.

The Undead Review: Fine, fine, let’s do it your way baby love.

Amanda: Thank you. Well, you always use a nice selection of colognes and the like, so you don’t really ever smell badly except for in the mornings sometimes, but I kind of like your smell. It’s worse to you than it is to me honestly. Some of your zombified friends have gotten pretty ripe at times, but as long as you eat well you seem to stay pretty fresh. Those days you go without eating you can get a little smelly, but not too bad.

The Undead Review: That is, I’m sure, another thing people are going to be extremely curious about. Are you ever worried that I might eat you?

Amanda: Of course not, I’d kick your ass if you tried.

The Undead Review: Well, yeah, of course you would, but doesn’t it bother you that I’m one fleshed crazed step away from devouring you?

Amanda: Does it bother you that our place is littered with blunt objects?

The Undead Review: Point taken.

Amanda: I trust you. You’ve never once made any attempt to hurt me, and I don’t believe you will.

The Undead Review: What about when I attack other people?

Amanda: I can’t say it’s the most pleasant thing to watch, but you have to eat don’t you? I don’t imagine animals enjoy watching people eat them either, but I still love a good cheeseburger.

The Undead Review: I guess that makes a certain amount of sense. Is there any worry about what may happen from the rest of my kind?

Amanda: Sometimes I suppose, but most of the zombies around here know I’m your girlfriend and they don’t mess with me, choosing to eat someone else instead. I don’t go down to the Union Hall with you though, doesn’t seem like a good idea to be the one living thing inside a place of the dead.

The Undead Review: That makes sense, some of those zombies are assholes.

Amanda: To be fair, you can be kind of an asshole too sometimes.

The Undead Review: Yes, but an asshole that won’t eat you.

Amanda: True.

The Undead Review: Now I know you might not want to talk about this, not to a crowd anyways, but I’m sure people are going to be curious about our sex life…

Amanda: Really?

The Undead Review: Really.

Amanda: Well, the sex is amazing, you’re like a stallion, a god among men in bed. Men, both living and dead should be jealous of your sexual prowess.

The Undead Review: I of course knew that, but I was sure others would want to hear it.

{Note from Amanda: I got a hold of this before he was able to post it. My actual answer was a little different from the one he wrote down, more along the lines of “Yes, the sex is good, but I’m not going into details about it for your readers. I’m sure they’re all nice people, but it’s not something I feel like going into detail about on a website where you bitch about movies.” When he complained about my answer, I promptly let him know that if he ever desired sex again, it would best for him to close his mouth and move on. For the sake of his fragile ego, let’s just keep that between you and me.}

Amanda: Anything else you’d like to ask me. It’s getting late and unlike some people, I enjoy sleeping.

The Undead Review: Nothing that I can think of really. The smell, fear of being eaten, and sex were the only things I could come up with.

Amanda: So smells, food, and sex were your big three huh? That doesn’t surprise me much.

 

I would like to thank my wonderful, awesome, and amazing girlfriend for indulging me tonight in answering my questions about dating a walking corpse, and as always, thank you dear reader for giving this a one over. Since I’m far from the greatest at coming up with interview questions, if there’s anything you’d like to ask her, kindly leave it in the comments, and I’ll be sure to bring it up with her.

Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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