You have not lived, or unlived, until you have tried a headcheese sandwich. No, I don’t mean those nasty fucking things you get from cows, I mean sure, in a pinch I guess that works, but I’m talking about real, human headcheese. I know, I know, I rail against brain eating zombies in the movies all the time, but that’s only when they’re biting through the skull. I can tell you from experience, biting through a human’s skull is no easy feat, in fact, it’s damn near impossible. I’ve bitten humans almost everywhere one can bite a human, minus the no-no bits because come on, I have my standards, and I can assure you that skull cracking is a thing best left to blunt instruments not teeth. That being said, the tasty bits inside the skull are rather appealing once you get to them, made into a sandwich they are absolutely delicious, even more so with Swiss cheese. Damn, now I’m hungry again.
In case you haven’t gathered, today’s Zombie Zoo is going to edibles based, more specifically, based on the few things zombies like to eat other than you. Obviously, the main source of nourishment are humans, but humans aren’t always available, or at least not easily available, so we sometimes have to look for other things to eat, things that won’t end up fighting back and possibly getting us shot in the head. Not to mention the times we’re simply too lazy and can’t be bothered to go hunt down a human, not when the grocery store has a ready and waiting supply of meat you can just go and buy. You’d be surprised how many things taste like human too. I know it’s a popular pastime among the living to compare everything to chicken as if chicken is the basis on how all other meats are judged. Truth be told, I’ve been undead for so long at this point that I don’t really remember what chicken tastes like, chicken being one of the meats zombies tend to stay away from. All new zombies are told right from resurrection not to try eating chicken, it apparently leaves a bad taste in a zombie’s mouth. Some among the undead have believed this to be a great conspiracy by pig or cow raising zombies to keep undead from buying chicken. These same zombies have decided to try chicken for themselves, the results cementing why we don’t eat the small fowl. The faces they make after biting into the meat is priceless though, something caught between taking a sip of overly strong whiskey and popping a couple of sour Warheads into your mouth. Never understood why anyone would believe it to be a conspiracy anyways, it’s not like zombies only buy meat from other zombies. True, there are places one can go that cater specifically to the undead, meat raised and sold by zombies to other zombies, but as those places are few and far between, most of us just put on some coverall and head to the grocery store. After all, you can’t pass up Save-A-Lot’s five for twenty specials on pork.
Pork is the main go to meat for the zombie after human meat. I guess it shouldn’t come as any surprise really, not when pigs are supposed to be close to humans in their physiology. Didn’t they transplant a pig heart into a human or something of the sort, I wonder if that person worried every time a snort came out when they laughed. Anyway, if you’re looking for something that tastes mostly human, you can’t go wrong with pork. The only downside is that you have to buy it already butchered instead of just biting into the fresh, juicy pig itself. Well, you don’t really have to, it’s fully possible to bite into a whole pig while it’s still alive, it just never feels right, not when they look at you with those adorable little pig eyes, pointing that cute snout right at the person that’s about to bite into them. It’s strange, I’ve eaten hundreds of humans over the years, seen them squirm in terror as I either ended their lives completely or turned them to the undead side, and it’s never once bothered me, with the only exception being the time I ate that mime, he just seemed so sad. Pigs on the other hand, I just can’t do it, and I’m not the only one. Nearly every zombie I’ve spoken with can’t bring themselves to do it either, so we all end up buying our pork instead.
Next down the list is cow, and for the most part, it’s the only other nonhuman meat we’ll eat. It’s not that we can’t eat other things, hell, I’ve got a thing for Choco Tacos, they’re fucking delicious, it’s simply that only pork and beef seem to stave off the hunger. We can eat fish, veal, raccoons, snake, alligator, baboon, bear, Bigfoot, and Klingon, though that last one is entirely hypothetical, but they aren’t in the slightest bit filling. The hunger is hard enough to stave off when it’s human meat, but it’s next to impossible with anything other than pork and beef. We’ll eat other things because they taste good, but not because they satiate the hunger. Hell, I’m eating an ice cream cookie sandwich while I write this, and damn it, if it isn’t delicious, but it’s not going to help, so I know I’m going to have to eat something more substantial as soon as this is done. Beef tends to be lower on our list than pork though, thanks mainly due to the fact that it doesn’t seem to work quite as well as pork does. I’ve always assumed that it’s thanks to the similarities between pork and humans, but you know what they say about making assumptions. I don’t, I’m just assuming you do.
Surprisingly, there also exists a small subgroup of zombies that are vegans, though this group splits into two itself. The first group refuses to eat any kind of meat at all, neither human nor animal, while the second group will never consume an animal but has no problem eating a human. Both groups seem to come from people that were vegans before they turned, carrying their practice over to their new, undead lives. Group A, the ones who abstain from any meat, aren’t always the healthiest, mentally or physically. The hunger that drives all zombies drives them as well, and it eats at their psych, usually causing them to go on violent rampages once in a while when the hunger absolutely overwhelms them. We don’t judge them at all mind you, it’s a noble thing to attempt an unlife without harming anything, but we do feel a bit sorry for them since it hurts so much. Group B, the ones that only eat humans, are much healthier, but more than a bit pretentious. They go on and on about how awful the rest of are for eating animals, all the while having bits and pieces of people hanging out of their teeth. Even though Group B tends to be healthier, I prefer Group A. They might not be the best conversationalists, but at least they’re not hypocrites, and you can’t help but admire their resolve.
Well, that’s about it for this edition of the Zombie Zoo. You’re going to want to tune into the next one in which I’ll be giving my girlfriend a bit of time to discuss what it’s like to date a member of the living dead. I’m only hoping she doesn’t give too much away.
Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.
The Undead Review