So apparently yours truly said some things in the last Zombie Zoo that were hurtful to various members of zombiekind in describing the different zombie types one might run into among the undead. I sure didn’t mean to insult voodoo zombies by saying they were a little on the slow side, I might have called them dumb, but at least I said they were fun. I also didn’t mean to insult magically resurrected zombies by saying they were bitter assholes too pissed off at being under the thumb of their magically inclined masters to get any enjoyment out of life, and they’re constant bitching was grating to one’s nerves. I did however fully intend to insult the cybernetic zombies who are complete and total asshats because seriously, fuck those guys. I sincerely apologize to the zombies I might have offended, I’ll be giving a press interview later about drinking too much and needing to check into rehab since that seems to erase the slate somehow. I mean, it usually only works for celebrities and all, especially after they make racist comments towards police officers, not that I’m singling anyone out or anything *cough, cough Mel Gibson cough, cough* but I think it’s time we’re all allowed to use that excuse. Who’s with me?
Anyhow, it’s your favorite zombie back for the second half of our look at the different zombie types you’re going to find out there. Since we’ve already covered demonic zombies, voodoo zombies, magically resurrected zombies, and cybernetic zombies, those four being the main types you’re going to find, we’ll cover some of the lesser ones starting out with the biggest of those groups, the toxic zombies. Toxic zombies are zombies that are created by a toxic mix of chemicals, usually radioactive and usually created by mistake. They don’t have too much going on upstairs if you know what I mean, the toxic mix of chemicals that resurrects them, more often than not, leaves their brain a rotted, goopy mess that’s barely functional, and I’m using the term functional in its loosest sense. Toxic zombies have been known to attack not just the living, but the dead as well, hell, they’ve been known to attack mannequins. They can’t seem to differentiate between friend and foe, not that that’s saying much considering I don’t think they could differentiate between a circle and a square. It’s bad enough that they’ll eat a fellow zombie, but what makes it so much worse is they’ll actually insult you the whole time they’re doing it. I’m not sure why, but every single toxic zombie I’ve ever encountered has had their speech reduced to nothing more than elaborate insults as if whatever of their brain remains is pissed off about the circumstances of their creation. I’d feel sorry for them, but it’s kind of hard to feel sorry for a creature that bites you, then tells you to go fuck your mother.
Fairy zombies on the hand are rather well spoken folk, having a vocabulary that generally leaves me confused as to what they’re talking about. It’s almost as if they’re walking dictionaries, full of the kind of linguistic knowledge that people spend years in school trying to acquire. I’m not saying that they’re bad to talk to, just that you have to really pay attention to what they’re saying or you’re bound to miss something in their conversations. One always feels like they’re talking to an English professor at Oxford University when conversing with them, something even more ingrained thanks to the English accents they always have for whatever reasons. Seriously, they all have English accents, each and every one. Strange as that might be, fairy zombies aren’t created from a bite or any kind of infection, no, they’re born fairy zombies, coming into existence as members of the living dead as if the universe is trying to create some kind of a balance in the fairy kingdom. Though I’m unsure as to what they eat, it’s all kind of a mystery since no one has ever seen them consuming anything, not even their own kind. There’s an urban legend that they eat zombie children who wonder to far from their parents, but I think it’s a myth to get little zomblings to listen to their elders. Then again, no one has ever seen a lost zombie child and a fairy zombie in the same place, maybe that’s because the child’s lost and all, maybe not. Someone cue the dramatic music.
My least favorite among all these groups though, more hated than the toxic zombie’s habit of insulting and biting other zombies, more unbearable than the magically resurrected zombie’s never ending whining, and far harder to deal with than trying to talk to with a voodoo zombie, is the smell from being around a Bigfoot zombie. They have one of the most ungodly scents I’ve ever had to deal with in my entire unlife. You have to understand that Bigfeet already smell fairly awful, they smell so bad you’d think they didn’t have any access to water whatsoever. Not that it’d matter, I’ve smelt then after they’ve been in the rain and they smell even worse. When a Bigfoot becomes a zombie, that smell is amplified tenfold. Dead things aren’t typically known for their attractive odors, and I’ll be the first to say it, all zombies smell horrible. The thing is, most of us take measures to correct that with a wide variety of scents, many made specifically for the undead, Bigfoot zombies on the other hand don’t really care what they smell like, having no sense of shame when it comes to how they smell, living or dead. They’re nice enough folks to be sure, but the smell makes one not want to be around them. A Bigfoot zombie is created when a virus zombie bites them, same as with most virus zombies. You’d figure that they would want to, or need to, bite other Bigfeet, but that isn’t the case. Most Bigfeet are vegetarians, preferring not to harm other creatures. They’ll occasionally eat meat, mainly the stray human that wanders into areas they shouldn’t have wandered into, but they mostly stick to fruits and vegetables. This seems to transfer to the zombified Bigfoot as well. Every once in a while the same hunger all zombies have to deal with comes up and takes control, but it seems to be a rather rare occurrence.
That’s about it for the main groups among the undead. There are other groups of course, but beyond this the subgenres degrade into an insane mix of zombies that make my head hurt. I mean, there’s animal zombies, but we’ve already talked about those before. I will let you in on one last little secret though, something that you really shouldn’t know but I’m going to say anyway just because I know it’s bound to piss them off. Among the undead are a group of zombies the undead almost never accept, if only because of how looked down upon we are by members of these two groups before they join our ranks, they are werewolf and vampire zombies. Yes, vampires, though already among the dead themselves, can become zombies, as can werewolves, by being bitten by a zombie. They absolutely hate it, but we love it. The werewolves eventually adjust, dealing with it as best they can, the vamps on other hand don’t survive very long, their bodies not being able to handle a system that now requires both human flesh and blood. I’d say it’s sad, but vampires are assholes.
Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.
The Undead Review