I wish I had not gotten into that fucking car last Saturday, but I couldn’t help myself. Who am I to turn down a ride when a group of demonic zombies pull up in the king of cars, a modified Cadillac hearse known as a 58 Special? Seriously, the 58 Special is something I’ve always dreamed of owning, a car that was made for the undead, one I’m positive was designed by a zombie, though I have no proof to back up my claim. I’ve always known that demonic zombies were a crazy lot, but it was a 58 Special. Would you turn down an offer to take a ride in your dream car if it was driven by say a group of cartel drug lords? You would? Well, you’re probably a lot smarter than me, but don’t get too big headed, being smarter than me isn’t a difficult thing to accomplish. Yeah, in hindsight it wasn’t a smart idea to get in a car where I’d be forced to go wherever these crazed bastards wanted to go, but I couldn’t have imagined the debauchery that was bound to go down that night. To be honest, I don’t even remember the entire night, though I certainly remember the next day that required that I have a couple of limbs reattached. Lesson learned I suppose, though not very well, if they were to come around with that sweet ride again, I’d hop back in the car. What did I say, it doesn’t take much to be smarter than me.
It’s your favorite zombie here for another look into the world of the undead. Tonight’s article is going to be about the different types of zombies there are out there. Many people don’t know this, but there are more zombie types than one can count on both their hands, even when those hands have extra digits on them. There’s surely more than I could ever discuss in one or two articles, it would take a book to fully flesh out the different subgroups that comprise the entirety of zombiekind. There’s virus zombies, demonic zombies, magic zombies, voodoo zombies, cybernetic zombies, toxic zombies, werewolf zombies, vampire zombies, fairy zombies, animal zombies, and even a candy zombie. I say a candy zombie because I only know of one time that it happened when a magic zombie and a toxic zombie fell into a vat full of sugary goodness and resulted in a candy zombie that, from what I understand, was absolutely delicious. At least that’s how the story goes, zombies have our own urban legends, so there is the chance that it’s complete bullshit, but I like to think of a delicious, candy zombie running around attacking people before he was put down by a bunch of hungry fat kids. I can’t be the only one that finds that better than at least ninety percent of the movies the SciFy Channel, or whatever the fuck they call themselves, puts out. Virus zombies I’m sure you’re well aware of by now, after all, that’s what yours truly is, a zombie created by a virus that reanimates a person after they’ve died, but let’s take a moment to go over some of the other zombie types. Like I said, I can’t go through them all because there are just so fucking many of them, but I can go through at least a few of the bigger ones. Since I’ve already mentioned the demonic zombies, I guess I should start with them.
Demonic zombies are pretty self-explanatory, they are zombies that are possessed by the denizens of hell, a rambunctious group that will get in all kinds of trouble. These hell spawn are considered outsiders among the undead because they aren’t complete zombies, these guys and gals are walking demon puppets. Whoever the person was before they died is completely gone, replaced instead by the demon possessing them. I don’t know if you’ve ever met a demon, but they aren’t the most controlled of individuals. Having to spend an eternity in hell has left them a little starved for action, torturing people apparently being a boring pastime. When they manage to inhabit a dead body they go totally wild, losing the miniscule amount of self-control they have when they’re stuck down in the underworld, which I can tell you is already a thing in short supply. They go so crazy that they usually burn through the dead bodies they inhabit, making a good chunk of their time back on Earth all about finding the next body they’re intend on making their own. It seems like a ridiculous waste of time to most, gaining your readmission to this plane of existence only to squander it by partying so hard Keith Richards would look at you in shame, but they do seem to have a pretty good time, and while they’re partying is most assuredly of the destructive type, I’d be lying if I said they weren’t fun to party with.
Then there’s magic zombies which you have to understand are much different than voodoo zombies though the two do get lumped together more often than not. Voodoo zombies aren’t the result of any magic that I’m aware of but are instead created via the use of a secret mixture that can be ingested in several different ways. The targeted person is put into such a deep sleep that their loved ones believe them dead, then they are buried only for the bokor, the voodoo priest who would have created the formula that made them appear dead, to dig them back up, the person now having woken up with brain damage due to the lack of oxygen and mental shock thanks to believing themselves now dead. We don’t hate on voodoo zombies mind you, even if they aren’t undead they are still our brothers among the living, but we don’t equate them to magically created zombies. Either way, they are certainly more entertaining to hang out with than their magically created counterparts, those guys are some bitter assholes. While the voodoo zombies enjoy the simpler things in life like not being whipped or worked to death, a staple of the voodoo zombie life, and are generally happy if somewhat slow witted folk, lack of oxygen not being all that great for the part of your brain that does things like function correctly, the magic zombies hate pretty much anything and everything that has existed, does exist, or will ever exist. Not that one can blame them of course, I can’t say I’d be too happy to be utterly bound to a person that has complete control over me, that privilege belonging solely to my girlfriend, but you’d think they’d occasionally be able to find humor somewhere. See, when the sorcerer or sorceress brings a person back to life, that zombie is under their total control and must do whatever they are told to do. They still have their free will deep down inside of them, they just can’t exercise that will. Understandably, it pisses them off more than a bit, so hanging out with them is about as much fun as hanging out with a group of Insane Clown Posse fans at any concert that isn’t Insane Clown Posse. You can’t help but feel bad for those poor, unfortunate souls, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to want to have them over for tea and crumpets, whatever the hell a crumpet is.
Now let’s discuss cybernetic zombies, oh boy, do we hate those mother fuckers. First off, they aren’t zombies if you ask me. No, they’re soulless atrocities more often than not created to kill actual zombies. Governments mostly manufacture them, crafting mechanical parts into the body of a deceased human being to bring it back as a robotic construct intent on killing whomever they’re sent after. Disgusting creations. And no, I don’t hate them because they are somehow excellent Monopoly players, that just make me hate them all that much more. I still don’t understand why it surprised me that something created by the government would be great at monopolizing anything, that’s kind of the government’s job. The real reason we can’t stand them is because it just doesn’t seem right to have zombies walking around that aren’t real zombies. Sure, we accept the voodoo zombies, but that’s completely different. Voodoo zombies are just poor saps that were usually in the wrong place at the wrong time unlike the bioweapons that make a mockery of zombiekind. We have our pride damn it. There isn’t even a flicker of whoever was once inside that body either, just a mechanical beast ready and waiting to mow down other undead creatures. I’m just going to say it…fuck those guys.
I think that’s about it for part one. Join me tomorrow when I go over a few more types of zombies you’re going to run into if you decide to play in the world of the undead. Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.
The Undead Review