A few days ago I was shopping at Walmart, yes I know a lot of my stories start at Walmart but that’s only because I spend a lot of time there. Where else are you going to find Chili Lime Doritos, the newest Machine Man action figure, a set of shelves because you’ve run out of space for your collectables, read toys, collectables just sounds cooler, and a five dollar Godzilla movie in the same place? Anyhow, I was at Walmart when a bunch of people started running for the door unexpectedly, screaming about how the zombie apocalypse was here and they were all going to die. I couldn’t understand it at first, I go to Walmart all the time and people never care, the fine citizens of St. Louis being an understanding lot, but they were reacting like it was the beginning of the end. Then it hit me, in my rush to pick up Kingsman and grab the latest Star Wars LEGO set before it sets off some controversy or another as Star Wars LEGOs are wont to do I had completely forgotten to put on any coverall. Worse yet, I’d grabbed a bite to eat on the way there and had forgotten to wipe the human flesh off my face or change my shirt, so I looked a terrifying mess. No wonder they were freaking out, I probably seemed like I was there to eat the whole lot of them and begin the zombie apocalypse. Too bad they didn’t know the truth about that whole apocalypse thing.
Yes, the subject of this week’s Zombie Zoo is the ever terrifying idea of an apocalypse involving the undead, a takeover that ends human life on Earth and begins zombie rule. It’s been a fear since zombies first began to appear on the planet, even religious texts dating back thousands of years ago mention the dead rising up to replace the living. In recent years this fear has become a sensational thing, prompting groups like Zombie Squad to train people around the globe, books like Max Brooks’ Zombie Survival Guide to help better prepare the living for a catastrophic zombie takeover, and news scares whenever some dude goes nuts and eats another guy’s face. It seems like people the world over are terrified of a coming age when the dead will outnumber the living and use those numbers to either eradicate those still maintaining a pulse or at the very least herd them like cattle for future consumption. I’m going to let you in on a little known secret, there probably isn’t ever going to be a zombie apocalypse for one major reason, zombies tend to be a pretty lazy bunch, and with all the effort it takes just to hunt our prey, there’s not a lot of energy left to worry about destroying the world. The only reason we keep up the myth of a zombie apocalypse is because you people keep making movies and stories about it. We would have let it die ages ago, not having much of a desire to mess around with something as complicated as world domination, we’re not Cobra for god’s sake. Though there is a union head that likes to dress up like Cobra Commander and hiss a lot. Every once in a while someone will dress up like Destro for fun, and that time a bunch of us came in outfitted in GI Joe gear was a riot, but that’s a story for another time. It works as a good scare tactic though, making the world fear us more than they probably would otherwise, kind of like the CIA pretending they know more than they do just so people think they’re more effective than they are. As long as humanity is worried about us taking over, they won’t try anything as radical as trying to wipe us all out, not if they fear the reaction might be to attempt zombifying the planet.
Not that zombies haven’t considered it. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about opening up my own pig farm in the event humans are wiped out. There’s always the idea that we could corral a bunch of humans into pens and keep them as a food supply for future consumption too. It’d be like cattle farms, just instead of cows we’d graze humans, but since sending humans to graze on grass wouldn’t work out so well we’d have to put a lot more work into it and that’s where the laziness comes into play again. Plus, as heartless as a zombie might be, seeing a bunch of humans caged up would be really sad and most of us would be likely to let them all loose, maybe just eating the slow one that didn’t get away fast enough. That means pig farming is going to be the go to way to provide sustenance to the undead world, and while pigs aren’t bad, they come nowhere near tasting as good as humans. I prefer things to remain as they are for now. Maybe one day it might happen, but it’s very unlikely. I’m sure you’ll still worry about it the next time a human face gets eaten, who the hell eats only the face by the way, that’s just weird, the ass has the best meat, I thought that was common knowledge, or the next time a blockbuster zombie flick shows the zombies taking over and pockets of humans surviving underground while a crazy military leader grows closer and closer to snapping. If you really want to worry about someone taking over, worry about the mole people, those sons of bitches have been dying to take over for millennia, and they taste horrible.
There is one group of zombies that might be a little worrisome, but they aren’t large enough to effect too much change, the Order of the Divine Dead, an undead religious order that thinks zombies are god’s chosen ones among mankind. I wouldn’t put too much stock in them though, we don’t. The bastards are downright nuts, they seriously believe that zombies are holy, and the only ones fit to rule the world. I don’t know if they’ve ever been to a zombie party, but what goes on at those things are far from holy, the devil wouldn’t want to have anything to do with those. The Order of the Divine Dead has about as much influence over the dead as Pat Robertson has over the living, and just like Robertson, they keep saying things that make the dead simultaneously cringe and laugh. They are a joke that only they seem to get. I wouldn’t worry too much about them. If you want to worry about someone other than mole people, mole people not being a very visible group and all, worry about the leprechauns, every time they get together and drink plans of world domination start getting thrown around. They always sober up and the hangover prevents them from acting on it, but one of these days they might just decide to not stop drinking, and who knows what’ll happen then.
Anyways, that’s about it for this week’s Zombie Zoo, the lessons learned that leprechauns are far more worrisome than zombies, and pigs don’t taste as good as humans. Oh yeah, and the dead aren’t planning a worldwide takeover anytime soon. Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.
The Undead Review