I’ll never forget my first major run in with the CDC. I’d only been among the undead for about a month or two, so I was still learning the ins and outs of what it was like to be a zombie. After the initial shock had worn off, and I’d moved past the guilt over those lost in the attack that turned me, I was pretty happy to be quite honest. I’d always wanted to be a zombie, and now I was. It was a joyous occasion that filled me with a happiness I’d never known, and then I got to deal with the fucking CDC who are just great at ruining a zombie’s good mood. There I was, innocently minding my own business, minding my own business here meaning I was chowing down on human flesh, when a bright, white van came out of nowhere, a bunch of dudes in Hazmat suits grabbed on to me, and I was nearly shoved into their little wagon’o’fun. Luckily for me, though not so lucky for my newly created brother, they’d attempted to nab me right as my former meal was waking up. When he attacked the CDC officials, it gave me the opportunity to run away. I might have felt a little bad for leaving the guy behind, I mean, I was just eating parts of him and all, but there was no way I was hanging around to find out what the CDC does with zombies they capture. I never did find out what happened to the poor soul, but from what I’ve learned over the years, it probably wasn’t anything good.
It’s your favorite zombie, back once again to discuss how awesome it is to be a zombie, or how awesome it would be if we didn’t have to deal with assholes like the CDC, The Center for Disease Control. You might remember a review I did recently for the game Plague Inc., a review where I mentioned how happy the CDC was over its creation, namely because it was training people on how to spot and stop a zombie outbreak. Sure, it’s an absolutely great game that’s a blast to play, but that doesn’t mean I have to be happy about the CDC’s oh so clever work in prepping the world for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Those bastards are a clever bunch, and as a member of the living dead you really have to watch out for them. Otherwise they’re likely to end up zombienabbing you and making you a subject of their very cruel experiments. It’s bad enough we have to watch out for the military pick up vans, that interview we did with the poor fellow who ended up in one of those is enough to give a zombie nightmares for the rest of his unlife, but on top of being constantly on the lookout for them, we’ve got to watch for the guys in big yellow suits too. Say what you want about the military, but at least they try and stay discreet about their operations. Black, nondescript vans, men in fancy suits, eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses, and a strong desire not to get caught, don’t want to alert the public after all. Yeah, it’s probably not quite as discreet as they think it is, you see a bunch of men pull up in a black van and throw someone inside of it, even someone who looks slightly rotted, you’re going to know something’s up, but at least they try. The CDC on the other hand will just roll up in big, white vans with a huge a “CDC” painted on the side and hop out in Hazmat suits like they it’s a normal, everyday thing. They just don’t seem to understand the panic they cause, or if they do, they’re too busy caring more about how cool they look in acting out their favorite scenes from Outbreak. That’s really all it is to them too. I’m sure their experimentation has some kind of purpose, controlling the spread of a virulent disease, but the real purpose behind it is so they can all look cool and feel like badass soldiers combating a walking plague. They want people to know what they’re doing, makes them feel all self-important, like maybe the cool kids will think they’re hip now. It’s even worse since the film version of World War Z came out. Now the ones that aren’t in Hazmat suits are wearing dopey looking scarfs, thanks Brad Pitt, the newest fashion accessory in fighting the zombie menace. I almost wish the military asshats would start to wear the fucking scarves, it’d make the dark suits seem so much less threatening.
That’s one thing you have to understand, despite all their talk about working together the CDC and the military don’t actually get along all that well, so unless they are otherwise forced to team up, they act more or less like opposing high school football teams trying to one up each other. They are both out there hunting the undead, but each has their own agenda. The military wants weapons and the CDC wants a cure, it’s really as simple as that. I can’t say if being captured by one or the other is better since they’re both pretty awful from what I understand. It’s kind of hard to know everything that’s inside of the places they take you to. Some of the undead have been privy to a few of the horrific things done inside of a CDC research base, but most of what’s known is hearsay and rumors, even more so when it comes to the military detention areas, but I’m still trying to forget what that military lapzombie said during our interview with him several Zombie Zoos back. I imagine some of it was probably true, but it’s hard to tell with him being on the government payroll. What is for sure is that the CDC definitely tries harder when it comes to containing us, them wanting to impress their superiors in Washington. The issue for the CDC is that the military usually gets first dibs, so they’re always trying to play catchup and prove themselves more worthy than the military to deal with the zombie “problem” as they call it. Personally, the only problem I see is that there isn’t a human meat section at the grocery store here yet, but you know the living, always complaining about getting sold for consumption. I bet a cow would complain too, but I don’t see that bothering you guys. It’s cool if it’s a cow or a pig or chicken or an emu, but propose a human meat section and everyone goes nuts and makes a face like you just defiled their grandmother. We’re not here to talk about my annoyances over FDA regulations though, we’re here to talk about the CDC, I’ll fume about the Food and Drug Administration some other time.
The Center for Disease Control and zombies go way back, all the way to the organization’s founding at the end of World War 2. See, it wasn’t just the living who fought in that war, but the dead as well. Zombies weren’t big fans of the Nazi’s, we might eat living humans, which doesn’t feel all that great to them, but we’d never torture them first or anything. The worst zombie would never want to have anything to do with a Nazi, so a bunch of my kind signed up to fight, and many a zombie lost their unlife in that fight, zombies usually being sent right to the front of any battle. Out of all the zombies that were sent, only about ten percent survived, so it’s fair to say the undead did their part in helping to stop one of the greatest evils of the twentieth century. The noble thing would have been to just let the remaining zombies go home, but that never happened. Those ten percent that weren’t permanently put down were rounded up by a group of concerned doctors, scientists, and civilian leaders who were worried about releasing them back into the population proper. I understand them not being all that happy about the thought of a bunch of starving zombies munching on folks back home, but these are zombies who had just risked all to make sure those folks back home weren’t all speaking German. Every single zombie that hadn’t taken a bullet in the head on the battle field was herded into cages while the powers that be decided what they were going to do with them, the answer being the creation of the Communicable Diseases Center, the agency that would later become the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. They were created under the pretense of dealing with an outbreak of malaria when their real reason was to figure out just what to do with the zombies they’d imprisoned. Don’t get me wrong, they did definitely help with various outbreaks of malaria around the world and continue to help in curing all kinds of virulent diseases that would have otherwise been devastating, but the main purpose in coming together was to find a “solution” to my kind. As if we even needed one. Considering we’re still out and about to this day, you can probably guess they haven’t exactly come up with anything yet, but that doesn’t mean they’ve given up either. They’re still at it to this day, hoping to come up with a cure to our existence in this world. You can see why we aren’t on the best of terms with them.
It doesn’t help that they experiment on us like we didn’t have feelings either. We don’t have a lot of feelings, but that doesn’t mean we’re okay with watching point of view style as our bodies are cut apart bit by bit by people who see us as little more than germs. They expose us to extreme temperatures, burning and freezing us to see what will happen, drain out all our fluids to find out if the secret lies somewhere within, and inject us with a whole host of chemicals that eat us away from the inside out in the hopes of finding something that targets the zombie virus specifically. It’s a horrible fate that I’d rather not even think about, especially since that’s just the stuff we know of, odds are that there are even worse experiments in the bowels of their research centers. I mourn for my zombie brothers and sisters that have been tortured in such horrible ways. Kind of makes you feel bad for not letting yourself get eaten now doesn’t it? Well, maybe I wouldn’t go that far, but I’d imagine there’s some level of remorse you must be feeling now right? Even just a smidge? Whatever, eat humans and suddenly you’re the bad guy.
Regardless of how you feel about us, you can see why we feel the way we do about them. There is far too much bad blood between us for it to ever get better at this point either. I wouldn’t be surprised if there isn’t some future war between the undead and the members of the CDC. I can see it coming, and no amount of their “Zombie Preparedness Campaigns” are going to do them any good. Probably thought those were just for fun didn’t you? Nope, those were just for getting at us. They might not know it, but we have our own “Center for Disease Control Preparedness Campaigns.” Though I guess they know now. Damnit.
Well, until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.