Die You Zombie Bastards!

DZ1

When cannibalistic serial killer Red Toole finds out his wife has been kidnapped by Dr. Nefarious, he dons a superhero suit made of human flesh and goes to rescue the woman he loves.

Die You Zombie Bastards! is dedicated to the late Hasil Adkins, a sad dedication considering how utterly awful this piece of garbage is, but I’ll get to that in a bit. I guess I should have added a spoiler alert there, but yeah, this movie is a terrible flick that seems like it was another one of those movies made off of a bet, which it kind of was, but again, I’ll get to that in a bit. Adkins had many passions in life, but he’s mainly known for four of them, music, booze, sex, and chickens. It’s the music part that really matters, but when a massive love of poultry gets mixed in with sex and booze it’s hard to ignore it. The man truly loved him some chicken, not in an unhealthy way mind you, well, unhealthy for his arteries maybe, but when you’re downing a gallon or two of coffee and a bottle of whiskey a day, your arteries are the least of your concerns, old Hasil just had a thing for eating fried chicken, creating more than a few songs on the subject. Those songs are the reason he’s such an important part of musical history for fans such as myself, not the chicken songs specifically or the entire album dedicated to the subject, I think I’ve let the chicken aspect of his career take over here, but his entire musical history. It might not be so important to a lot of people, but to lovers of psychobilly he’s an idol. In case you’re not familiar with the genre, psychobilly is the angry, younger brother of rockabilly, and it’s the perfect music when you’re in a creative mood, or if you want to punch something, psychobilly helps with that too. I happen to be a huge fan of both rockabilly and psychobilly, and had it not been for Adkins’ musical stylings, psychobilly might not be around considering he was the inspiration behind its creation. Early forays by bands like The Cramps, The Meteors, and Guana Batz were all inspired by Hasil Adkins’ music, so the man instantly earns legend status. It’s just too bad the father of psychobilly couldn’t have gotten a better dedication than this piece of garbage. Sadly, Adkins died in 2005, but he will always have a place in the hearts of those who love the music he helped to create. Hasil, this zombie thanks you.

Now, I’m going to do my best to describe this awful, awful piece of trash, but its plot seems to have been written by someone who was heavily under the influence and spent his time switching between Ed Wood films, some of the worst horror flicks the sixties had to offer, and a lot of porn, because Die You Zombie Bastards! goes from bad to worse to “what the fuck am I watching.” After a short introduction from old Hasil himself, we go the ominous sounding Hell Island where a plastic spaceship tied to a string crashes into an island and we are introduced to Dr. Nefarious who has found the last piece to a device he is creating, though why he had to crash onto the island to find it is beyond me. A short time after Nefarious has crashed his ship/cat toy we are introduced to cannibalistic serial killer Red Toole. He’s about to murder a sexed up teen couple but when he hears them express their love for one another, he can’t bring himself to do it, choosing instead to decapitate a group of hippies nearby. Back on Hell Island, three sexy scientists are trying to find proof of a race of merpeople that were said to live there among the merciless fish cunt. They manage to find some evidence in the form of a finned penis bone they’ve dubbed the aqua cock, but rather than continue digging they do what any three female scientists do when left to their own devices, abandon their research in favor of skinny dipping. Women, am I right? As they slumber later on that night, the definitive evidence they need comes lumbering into camp with his prominent, um, member displayed for the ladies to see. The three scientists get their best lingerie together and give chase, all while Dr. Nefarious watches from the shadows. Back in the land of flesh hungry serial killers, Red has returned home to his wife Violet so that they can exchange gifts. Red gives her sacks made from the hippies, err, sacks, yes, he gifts her with human testicular sacks which she likes to chew on like some kind of twisted family dog, and a scarf made from human flesh. She in turns gifts him with a special, superhero outfit consisting of yellow galoshes, a cape made of human skin, and some underwear with a severed human penis on it. While Red and Violet deal with some police interference, don’t’ worry, they’re able to get out of any trouble by claiming the blood was from a really big spider, everyone in this movie being a complete and utter moron, Nefarious has captured the three, still scantily dressed scientists. He reveals his big plan to turn the entire world’s population into his zombies with his new machine, a machine he tests by turning the three women into his zombie sex slaves, necrophilia apparently not being a big deal to the Big N. He’s about to finish off the rest of the world when he catches a redneck version of The Newlywed Game starring Red and Violet, a show that ends when the pair eat a person who tries to stop them from having sex on live television. Nefarious decides then and there that he must have Violet and sends some of his zombified minions out to capture her. Red manages to fight them off but in the midst of the battle Nefarious is able to kidnap Violet, infuriating Red who puts on the outfit and goes chasing off after them, determined to stop Nefarious and get his wife back.

DZ3{Red wouldn’t want to miss close bonding moments like this}

It almost feels like I don’t even have to review this movie anymore, reading the plot for this ridiculous piece of garbage should be enough. It’s like someone took an idea for a horror movie and transformed it into an hour and a half long dick joke made up of several small dick jokes like a thirteen year old who got into a frat house far too young. The dick jokes just never stop like the aforementioned aqua cock, the unnecessary focus on the merman’s boner, Nefarious’ strange looking penis that needs constant attention, the ball sack chewing, Red’s wang outfit, and a couple dozen others. The first dick joke wasn’t funny nor was the second, third, or thirtieth. There was simply nothing redeemable about Die You Zombie Bastards! and it’s awful, awful attempt to be funny. The film tried too hard to be a comedy and failed miserably. If this was one of those awful spoof movies like Meet the Spartans or whatever Not Another Yada, Yada, Yada they’re up to now then I might have understood. Sure, those movies are usually pretty terrible, but at least they fail in trying to spoof something instead of just not being funny. Die You Zombie Bastards! feels like a spoof due mainly to its never ending attempt at zombie humor, humor here meaning “throw in as many dick jokes as humanly possible,” but it’s not. It’s a serious attempt at making a comedic zombie film made by people that don’t seem to understand what funny means once you age past twelve years old. They tried over and over again to be funny and it never worked, especially with a story that never made any sense, dialogue that made you feel like throwing something at the television, special effects that must have been using the term special in a different capacity, and actors who went to the school of “getting as drunk as possible before getting on the camera.” I’ve see a lot of terrible zombie flicks and if I had to rate this one compared to those, Die You Zombie Bastards! would be the coaster those movies used when they got together and complained about how awful they all were.

DZ5{I’m sure there’s another dick joke somewhere in here}

The effects are absolutely awful and are the first warning the viewer will receive that what they are about to watch is going to be an utter piece of trash since it’s only a few minutes in that you see Nefarious’ plastic ship on a string crash into Hell Island. It might have worked for Ed Wood decades ago, but it doesn’t work here. It isn’t funny, it’s just sad. Though that’s our first example of the terrible effects, it’s by no means the last example. A few of the bigger ones to stand out were:

  • When Red decapitates the hippies in the beginning, it doesn’t so much looks like heads being chopped off as it looks like someone throwing around a bunch of Styrofoam balls painted to look like heads.
  • The merman outfit looks so terrible it’s almost laughable. I’m thinking they put all their effort into making the thing’s penis and then forgot they were supposed to put effort into the rest.
  • There is a character introduced later as “Olaf the Nipple Destroyer,” basically a bad looking puppet that would have made Jim Henson vomit if he’d seen how horrible the thing looked.
  • Basically anything that’s used for a dismembered limb or severed head looks like cheap Halloween store props bought at the last minute before shooting began. I would have been embarrassed to use some of these on my front lawn let alone in a movie.
  • The worst offender, the thing that almost made me want to furiously destroy the DVD and burn any ashes that remained, was the makeup for the zombified female scientists. It’s not that they looked bad because all the zombies look terrible, it’s that for the zombified women the makeup isn’t even finished half the time. They were so fucking lazy that they couldn’t even finish doing the makeup before sending them out in front of the camera. It was something that really pissed me off, seeing that they cared so little for the movie they were making that they couldn’t even take the time to finish the job. Just absolutely pathetic.

While the last one was the one that really set me off, all of these terrible effects put together just goes to show how lazy they were. I’m sure with some of them, like the ship on a string, they thought they were being funny. They were not. It was amateur garbage that even those that have never made a film would know to avoid, making this a movie that should be thrown down into the bottom of a deep cellar and never let out.

{This is one of the few times the zombified women actually have complete makeup on, production photos apparently being more important than the movie itself}

Of course, even if they had gone all out with the effects, the poor writing would have killed anything that was good otherwise. The story made absolutely no sense, it’s not that it was hard to follow, it just made no sense. It bumbles along throwing dick joke after dick joke at you and never realizing they don’t know how to write a good dick joke, they don’t know how to write jokes period. It was almost as if the movie was written as a means to release a hell where dick jokes are all that are considered funny. The plot is basically structured to get from one bad joke to the next, the events not being as important as the phallus based humor. As badly as the story was written, the dialogue is even worse. Imagine a bad early 90’s sitcom that was allowed to use more adult humor. Now imagine that sitcom handed the writing of their dialogue over to a young teenager that grew up watching Porky’s movies. That’s what you get here. Making the dialogue even worse is the terrible actors they hired to star in Die You Zombie Bastards!. They are all incapable of decent acting, coming across as over the top caricatures of how not to act. Worst of them all is the man playing Red Toole who was so over the top he would have made Frankenfurter cringe. I didn’t understand what the point was in hiring only the worst actors they could get in a movie that was already this awful. My only theory is that someone along the way wanted to make a movie that was as terrible as it could be. Either that or the fact that director Caleb Emerson’s feud with editor Daniel Strange led to a movie that was doomed from the beginning. Remember that bet I mentioned earlier, well it was a bet between Emerson and Strange who both absolutely despise one another. If Emerson was able to get a movie made first then Strange had to edit it, if Strange was able to get a movie made first then Emerson would have to do the special effects. Guess whose film was made first, yep, Emerson won the bet forcing Strange to do the editing. Reportedly they never spoke to each other the entire time which might explain why this movie was such a monumental failure and an embarrassment to zombie cinema.

DZ4{You might think the R is for Red, it’s actually for Ridiculous}

Either way, be it because this film was destined to be shit from the beginning or because the feud between Emerson and Strange brought it down, this is not a movie anyone should ever bother with. It is one of the worst zombie films ever made and I sincerely hope it becomes forgotten as it doesn’t deserve even a onetime watch.

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: Caleb Emerson (Frankie in Blunderland, Red’s Breakfast: Dawn of the Red)

Starring: Tim Gerstmar (Red’s Breakfast 2: Dawn of the Red, Frankie in Blunderland), Geoff Mosher (Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger 4), and Pippi Zornoza (Red’s Breakfast 2: Dawn of the Red)

Written By: Caleb Emerson (Grindsploitation) and Haig Demarjian

Released By: Zombastic Productions and Image Entertainment

Release Year: 2005

Release Type: Straight to Video

MPAA Rating: Not Rated

Rotting Heads: Empty Skull

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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