Am I the only person that feels a deep sense of calm when blowing things up? Come on, I know I can’t be the only one that feels inner peace while lighting the fuse on something that is ready to explode in a shower of light and sparks. The best is lighting the tanks and letting them blow each other to bits, shooting off the mortars, burning the chickens, and letting the rockets fly far into the air. I’m of course talking about fireworks. It’s not like I’d actually blow anything up that I wasn’t supposed to…at least that’s what my legal advisor keeps telling me to say.
Yes, it’s the Fourth of July next week here in the good old US of A, and other than looking forward to BBQ and drinking (we Americans have a proud tradition of using any holiday as an excuse to get drunk) I’m anticipating blowing shit up legally. I can’t help myself, I go all out for the Fourth of July, usually putting myself in a significant amount of debt before the holiday is over. The sad part, it really has nothing to do with the whole independence thing, I just like explosions and the ones I can cause myself are by far the best. Don’t get me wrong, I love my country and all and I’m glad we freed ourselves up to become the world’s enforcer, but it’s just hard to celebrate our independence from a country we’re now such good friends with for any other reason than the ability to get all explody. I’m sure feelings were a lot different a couple of hundred years ago but now America and England are best buddies (they had tea together just the other week) so it seems like an asshole move to throw in their face us being independent from them. Yeah, it’s called Independence Day but you know there was an argument when the day was first envisioned where they wanted to call it Fuck You England Day. I don’t blame them at all, in 1776 England was really making tea too expensive and we needed us some cheap tea as this was before the Irish had introduced us to cheap whiskey. Now a days though we need the fireworks to add a little bit of extra spice to the holiday. However, being both a lover of fireworks and a member of the living dead, there are precautions I have to take.
You have to first understand that the dead burn extremely well, so we have to be uber careful when it comes to things like explosive devices. A zombie body is like dry timber, all it takes is one small light and we burst into flames. You can see how this would be bad for the average member of the living dead, especially when it comes to sparklers. If you don’t know what a sparkler is, it’s just a long stick that sparks like crazy when you light it (I have no idea why they are so popular but I will say, with some light embarrassment, that I love them myself). Many a zombie has been reduced to ashes after thinking such a device could be fun only to find themselves covered in flame before tuning into another pile of ash to be swept up. The tanks are actually the worst though. There is a staple of July Fourth that is just a small cardboard box with a few firecrackers and some bottle rockets that is made to look like a tank. It is beyond fun to make those tanks fight each other, the main problem is that they tend to be a little unpredictable and can sometimes light up an undead celebrator before he or she can get a safe distance back. The worst is when you happen to look at the tank when it didn’t go off only to have the damn thing shoot off in your face (insert dirty joke here). Those are just a few examples, with so much fire flying around it is a difficult task to avoid becoming an unloving representation of The Burning Man Festival but oh it is so worth it.
Another thing to be worried about when you’re a member of the living dead is the living thinking that just because you were totally cool with blowing shit up with them that you are totally cool with them period. That’s not the case. Just because a zombie will light a fuse with you does not in any way mean they want to hang out with you afterward. Most zombies just want to blow things up and then move on, never again considering the meatsacks they blew things up with. Just a friendly word of advice, if you happen to light fireworks with a zombie, don’t think said zombie is going to hang out with you afterward. A zombie is only there to watch explosions and will eat you without a second thought afterward if you try and talk with him later. Unless you were already friends with said zombie beforehand, enjoy the time you spent blowing things up together and then move on.
The last and biggest problem with the Fourth of July, or Independence Day for the science orientated, is groups of the living who try and hunt the dead on such an innocuous holiday. Have you ever seen Land of the Dead? I know it wasn’t a very good movie and I shouldn’t even be bringing it up, but there are a few scenes that are spot on and they’re the ones involving fireworks. When they shoot off the “sky flowers” or “air shots” or whatever the hell they called them instead of fireworks, all the zombies stop and stare into the air like they’ve never seen anything so amazing. That’s exactly what happens to zombies when fireworks are shot off, we stare up in a daze at the bright colors and flashes of light. This gives hunters a perfect opportunity to pick us off one by one and with all the loud bangs nobody even notices that shots have been fired. I’ve lost many an undead friend on the July 4th; lucky for me I’m a callous bastard and as long as my unlife continues after the shots die down, it’s all good in my book.
All joking aside, this zombie would like to take a minute to say thank you to all our service people on this explosive holiday. I almost never agree with what you do but I immensely respect that you do it. My unbeating heart goes out to each and every one of you that are away from your families right now. The first thing I blow up is dedicated to you.
All right, I think it’s time to wrap this thing up, I’ve got a lot of explosives calling my name right now. Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.