Yesterday was a very strange day for your favorite zombie on the streets, I don’t even remember half of it to be honest. I had to have the day described to me by my very confused family who were worried I’d gone off the rails and become some kind of addict too controlled by personal demons to see what I was doing. Truth was I hadn’t taken anything, not directly anyways. Indirectly, I’d ingested enough drugs to incapacitate a Motley Crue reunion. I hadn’t meant to see exactly how high a member of the living dead could become, it just happened that way after I got a little too munchy and decided to attack a group of kids partying out in the woods near my mother’s place. Some family and friends were going to be getting together to celebrate Father’s Day in honor of my late father, and I didn’t want to go hungry, nothing ruins a get together more than someone ending up as dinner, so I figured I’d fill my stomach first, then head over. How was I supposed to know the people I attacked had all been high out of their minds? Sure, the way they all kind of looked at me and laughed while I started eating them should have been a clue, but once they started making Family Guy jokes I just assumed they were already braindead.
It’s that time once again, the time to discuss what it’s like to be a zombie in a world mostly populated by the living. Our topic today is the dangers of eating the wrong human when feeding. It happens to the best of us zombies, you’re extremely hungry, don’t think through who you’re going to eat, and end up eating the wrong person or persons. The wrong person could be someone high out of their mind, drunk off their ass, or a combination of the two. You could eat a person that was dying of some kind debilitating illness and it wouldn’t do a thing to you, but eat someone that’s messed up on one substance or another and you are in for a strange and unnerving time. I don’t know the exact process that leads to a high or whatnot transferring over to a zombie, but it somehow does. It’s a very confusing thing to happen if you aren’t expecting it. One minute you’re eating your meal and everything is fine, the next you high as a kite or drunk as a Kennedy. Imagine if you went to McDonalds or Burger King, and after eating your Big Mac or Whopper or Big Whopper Mac, you sit down to watch Game of Thrones and halfway into finding out that yet another character has died you suddenly start tripping out, giggling manically, or stumbling around like a drunkard. You know you haven’t taken anything yourself but you’re still completely tore up. That’s what it’s like when you eat a living human whose been imbibing. It’s a weird, perplexing experience that’s happened to me more than a few times in my unlife. Usually completely by mistake, though there are some zombies for whom it’s intentional.
Some members of the living dead choose to go out and find living humans that are messed up, either high of drunk, subsisting on a diet of the chemically afflicted. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never had a bad week and gone out looking for a human that was a tad too drunk, but the zombies I’m particularly talking about eat only those that are drunk or high, choosing to spend their unlife in a drug and alcohol fueled haze. It’s true that they could always just get drunk or high the normal way, lord knows I’m usually the zombie at a party who’s always holding, but getting tore up via an already drunk or high human is about ten times more effective, maybe more if you’re not used to it. Whatever process happens that momentarily quells the hunger for human flesh once you’ve consumed a member of the living goes into overdrive if the person you ate is under the influence of some kind of substance. Eating someone that’s drunk feels like downing an entire 5th of whiskey in a single sitting while eating someone that’s high feels like, well, I guess it depends on what the person you ate was using. If it was a hallucinogen you can expect to trip out like never before, seeing things no person would probably want to see, it’s not fun if you ask me. If it was an amphetamine you can expect to have more speed than your undead body should be capable of, which sounds nice until you start moving so fast pieces fall off and you don’t realize it until hours later. If it was weed you can expect to play video games for the next several hours, having too much of the mean green in your system doesn’t have many horrible side effects unless you count how much you end up eating. If you’re a zombie and you decide to go after a human under the influence, you better be prepared for what’s coming. The more chemically dependent among the undead would be the ones to ask about that. I’ve only ever willingly eaten someone that was drunk, it being cheaper than opening up a bar tab, and a few potheads when I was kind of stressed out. My experience with whatever those guys in the woods were on is something I can’t remember, but I’ve been told I stripped naked, ran around the neighborhood screaming about how awful Night of the Living Dead: Reanimated was, and then plopped myself in front of a tree where I had an in depth conversation about the meaning of life. I’m sure it was all rather humorous to everyone but me.
So the next time you see a zombie running around spouting nonsense and talking to inanimate objects, turn and walk the other way. Trust me, you’re better off.
Until next time this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.