Last week’s Zombie Zoo piece was a little short, why brains aren’t typically on the menu doesn’t require a whole lot of space, skull very hard, flesh very soft, zombie very lazy, end of story. Still, I thought I should make up for such a short post and decided that this installment was going to have to be something truly special. I wracked my brains trying to think of something all week. Should I talk about my time in Hell, no, far too depressing. Should I talk about my time spent roaming the continent of Australia during a depressing time in my unlife, hoping against hope that a continent dedicated to killing off humanity might end the life of a zombie too, again, much too depressing. Maybe I could talk about…no, we’re not going to discuss that at all, that story might not be very depressing, in fact it’s actually quite funny, but it is highly illegal and more than likely to end with a stiff jail sentence. You’d think they’d have some kind of system set up for undead prison stints, but they just stick us in the general population and act surprised when we eat a few prisoners. I’d say they like seeing prisoners killed off, but how else are they going to make their money without a healthy prison population. Just makes no sense to me. No this Zombie Zoo is going to have to be something amazing and a little less than depressing. I’ve thought and thought on what to write and have come up with only one conclusion, I need to make this a special Halloween themed Zombie Zoo since I just took a look at the Halloween funfest that was When Good Ghouls Go Bad, and what better way to do so than by interviewing one of Halloween’s most known faces, the mass murderer named Michael Myers.
The man has been an inspiration to me since the beginning. One of the first horror flicks I saw was his amazing performance in Halloween, a film where he proved just how capable he was of dispatching unwary teenagers when their hormones were aflame. You might think of him as just another character in a slew of cheesy movies, but Michael Myers is a real person believe it or not, and I’m not talking about the comedian. I know what you’re thinking “There’s no way, he’s just something that was made up over three decades ago.” Fortunately that’s not the truth, well, unfortunately for you, fortunately for me. Myers has been offing kids on Halloween night for decades and has only really slid by thanks to the documentary series that stars himself and whatever drunk, drugged, or horny teenager is unlucky enough to share the spotlight with him, giving people the false impression that he is only a fictional character. I’ve been lucky enough to go out with the serial killer a few times in the past and man oh man is the guy a laugh riot, but today I’ve managed to get him to sit down and answer a few questions, and I think you’ll be surprised by the answers he’s come up with.
The Undead Review: Thanks for sitting down with me today Michael. I know it’s not easy for you to get away from the rigors of slaying.
Michael Myers: Oh that’s quite alright. I appreciate you giving me a platform to express my views on my films and not just writing me off as a common, house hold serial killer. Those Bundy types are so clichéd.
The Undead Review: I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. You’ve had to endure so many elaborate murder attempts I can’t even begin to think what that must be like. People just usually try and decapitate me or put a bullet in my head.
Michael Myers: Don’t underestimate your own struggles my friend. You have to go through your fair share as well.
The Undead Review: That’s true no doubt, but I still can’t see it as being equal to what you’ve had to endure. I mean, I never had a third installment of a film series based off of me that was lambasted by critics while actually not being that bad.
Michael Myers: To a certain extent I get the third film, and actually enjoy it. John Carpenter wanted to do a series of films that each centered on Halloween, and his previous film had made sure to seemingly kill me off, so he needed something new. It’s not his fault that the movie was such a monumental failure in the eyes of audiences. Now, what was his fault was having me be shot through both eyes and blown up only to come back for another flick. Don’t get me wrong, I can take an excessive amount of damage, but that’s just ridiculous.
The Undead Review: Was there any argument between you and director John Carpenter over how that came about?
Michael Myers: There absolutely was. After the failure that was Season of the Witch I had heard through the grapevine that they wanted to do a fourth flick and reintroduce my character, so one day I pulled John aside and said “John, what the actual fuck? Did you forget what you had Loomis do to me at the end of part 2?” He got this really sad look on his face and told me “Mike, I’ve already washed my hands of the series.” I would have loved to have backed him up and walked away myself but I was hurting financially and I needed the money. You might be surprised how little money one makes killing random strangers every few years or so.
The Undead Review: I imagine that you must be fairly upset about parts 4, 5, and 6 then?
Michael Myers: Actually, quite the contrary. I love those films, part 6 is my favorite.
The Undead Review: But what about Halloween H20 and Halloween Resurrection?
Michael Myers: I’m sorry but what?
The Undead Review: The two films made after Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers.
Michael Myers: I think you must be mistaken. They’ve never made any other Halloween flicks after part 6, other than the horrible remake and its sequel anyway.
The Undead Review: Yeah, they made two others. I can see you forgetting Halloween Resurrection, the last one starring Coolio in his most awkward role was easily forgettable but H20 had Jamie Lee Curtis as a mother who abandoned her child to be tormented by you, making her character a complete and total bitch unworthy of any sympathy for what happened to her.
Michael Myers: Yeah, don’t remember those movies. They must be all in your head my undead friend. If that bitch of a sister of mine had lived I think I would have known about it. It’s not like the films were so bad that I fell into a years’ long meth habit that nearly destroyed my life and blocked out any memory of said films. That’s preposterous that you would even suggest such a thing.
The Undead Review: Um, I didn’t suggest anything of the sort. You alright there Mike? You look a tad bit sweaty.
Michael Myers: Pretty sure I heard you suggest that, but I’ll let it slide this time. Let’s just move on.
The Undead Review: Okay fine, but you at least remember the remakes they did?
Michael Myers: You wouldn’t by any chance be refereeing to the Rob Zombie pieces of trash where I was made out to be a sad and pathetic man child who couldn’t get over his poor upbringing instead of a force for evil would you?
The Undead Review: Yep, those would be the films I was talking about.
Michael Myers: I can’t stand those movies. I went out of my way to show what an evil being I was from the beginning, and a half talented rock artist comes along and makes it seem like I’m just a damaged child. It was ridiculous. Ever since those films came out I’ve made it a goal of mine to someday track Mr. Zombie down and make what I did to my sister Laurie Strode seem like child’s play. I know I’m being unfair, he’s really a fairly talented rock artist, but damn it those movies get the blood boiling.
The Undead Review: So I’m going to assume you didn’t agree with Rob Zombie when it came to his version of your life?
Michael Myers: You couldn’t be more right. I had a fine childhood, my parents were great, and I never had to deal with the kind of things Rob Zombie wrote into my life. I was just evil, plain and simple. There was nothing else to it and adding the little bit only cheapened what I am.
The Undead Review: I couldn’t agree with you more. Is there anything else you’d like to say to our audience before I head out?
Michael Myers: Just one thing. People have believed me to be some kind of idiot ever since the first film and I’m here to say that this is not the case. I have many varied opinions on things such as politics and religion, I just choose not to speak them often. So many people have already made up their minds about me being an idiot I simply choose not to argue with them. I am a living, feeling, thinking human being who, yes, sometimes goes out on outrageous killing sprees, but that doesn’t negate the fact that I am a man and I have feelings, feelings that are hurt by baseless accusations and god awful remakes. I want everyone to know that while I will kill you without a second thought, I don’t enjoy it, it’s just who I am. Consider yourself part of a greater lineage.
The Undead Review: Really? You don’t enjoy it?
Michael Myers: Nah, I’m just joshing you. Murder sprees are a blast.
The Undead Review: Thank you so much Michael for taking the time to talk with me today.
Michael Myers: You are most welcome my undead friend. Now if you don’t mind, my knife is feeling just a tad bit too dry right now.
From the mouths of babes my dear readers. I hope you’ve enjoyed our in-depth interview from Haddonfield’s finest. Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.