The other day I shambled past someone and they murmured, under their breath like most cowards, “brains.” Seriously? A zombie walks past you and the only thing you have to say is “brains?” Can you be more lifeist? All the things you can say to a real life, so to speak, member of the living dead and the only thing you can mutter is “brains?” I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
Yes, it’s your favorite zombie on the streets, back this week to discuss a topic that will be both short and sweet. It’s been a long, aggravating week, and my fuse is short at the moment, meaning that the person mentioned above is slowly rotting on my porch, me not having the patience to deal with them or cut them up small enough to fit in my freezer. In other words I’ve got quite the meal to attend to, so I need to wrap this up as quickly as possible. This week’s subject is brains, more importantly why the living dead needing them is an awful stereotype. Don’t get me wrong, we’ll definitely eat them, it’s just not a go to or anything, not when there is so many other awfully tasty bits that are much easier to get to. Have you ever seen a human head, or more importantly the skull that takes up a good chunk of it? It’s pretty damn thick, and with it being so damn thick, it’s pretty hard to get to. The skull is one durable son of a bitch, it’s meant to be that way, meant to protect the human brain so that it doesn’t get injured too easily. That being the case, biting into it becomes a huge pain in the ass. When I was a kid, I accidently put my teeth into a slab of concrete, not on purpose of course, just the mistake of trying to see how far I could jump off of a swing at the park and going a little bit too far. Basically I jumped off the swing, launched myself, and ended up going a bit too far, my teeth connecting with the concrete divider that separated the two side of the playground. As I zombie I once got a little too ambitious and bit into a human skull, the result was about the same as smashing my teeth in the concrete barrier years earlier. It hurt like a son of a bitch. I ended up simply adding a little mark to the guy’s head, and nearly losing my teeth in the process. The skull is just too thick to bite right through. You’ll find that most zombies tend to ignore the brain since it’s such a huge pain in the ass to get to. I myself won’t go for it unless there is already some instance of head trauma that I can exploit, just too much work and I’m kind of lazy.
There’s also the fact of how disgusting the human brain looks. Have you ever seen a brain? It looks disgusting. I don’t even know how the living eat cow brains. The few times I’ve had brains it didn’t taste too bad, but it was always kind of hard to get down. It just looks so awful, like flavorless Jell-O that’s gone bad, kind of how it feels texture wise too, like Jell-O that’s sat out too long. Most of the undead would agree with me, eating brains just isn’t worth the hassle. Now the buttocks, that’s the thing to go for. Go ahead and judge as much as you want but the ass has the most meat, usually anyhow. If I’m going to eat something off a human, a specific part, it’s going to be the ass.
Zombies have just gotten a bad rap because of the whole Return of the Living Dead thing. I love the Return of the Living Dead films, but because of their persistence in showing zombies that eat brains we’ve all gotten stuck with the idea that zombies love brains when in fact it’s usually the last thing a zombie will go for. The next time you see a zombie, don’t ask him if he wants brains, just offer him some pork, zombies love pork, but more on that next week.
Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.