The beginning of summer is always a depressing time for me, the sun being counterintuitive to a zombie’s health and all. Summer is most famous for its debilitating heat and desire to murder anything that walks the Earth, summer deciding that it wanted to be a serial killer after spending its early years slaughtering animals and moving its way up towards humans. Serial killer 101. The living seem to enjoy summer for whatever reasons, oblivious to its desire to play genocidal warlord, but the dead don’t feel the same way. Personally I was always on to summer’s murderous ways, dying just made me that much more aware of how immanent the danger was. Heat isn’t kind to dead flesh, so most of the summer months are spent on constant upkeep making sure I don’t fall apart. It’s time consuming and it’s expensive. Give me the dead of winter any day over the heat of summer, at least the cold acts as a preservative, and I’m not the only zombie who feels that way. Ask any member of the living dead and they’ll tell you exactly what I’ve said (minus the serial killer bit, that seems to be a theory I alone hold). Zombies just don’t care for summer, so to try and get over our depression we get together the weekend before summer to throw one last presummer bash in remembrance of all those zombies that have gone before us. We happen to call it Memorial Day as well, we just add a Z on the end.
Now, before you get upset, Memorial Day wasn’t our first choice of names for our personal holiday. We didn’t want to steal the American day of remembrance for fallen soldiers. Besides it not seeming right, there are many zombies that celebrate Memorial Day for the same reasons the living do, out of respect for the men and women who have given their lives in service to America. Agree or disagree with how those soldiers are used or what wars they fight in, they still deserve respect for their sacrifice and the bravery they show in fighting for a cause they believe in. I don’t always agree myself with the way the men and women of the U.S. Armed Forces are utilized, but I still respect each and every one of them. Make of it what you will. Beyond us regular old civilian zombies that celebrate Memorial Day to remember those in the military that have fallen, we also have undead that used to fight in the U.S. Armed Forces themselves, and you can bet your ass those guys were against calling our undead holiday Memorial Day. Besides that, this was going to be a worldwide zombie holiday to celebrate not just zombies that had passed on from one country but those from all countries, and Memorial Day was a mostly American holiday. Zombie Union Halls around the globe sent in votes to Zombie Central. It seemed we got lucky at first, due mainly to two different factors: one, zombies are very lazy and apathetic for the most part so there wasn’t a huge turnout, and two, zombies aren’t very imaginative so nearly everyone came up with the same name. This turned out to be our downfall.
Our first choice was actually going to be Zombie Remembrance Day. It seemed perfect, no confusion over what was being celebrated and no disrespect about Memorial Day, but before we got a chance to lock down the name a group of zombie hunters beat us to it. Having studied our kind for so long they had figured out before us exactly what we were going to call our holiday because they figured we wouldn’t get very creative with the name. It was a massacre. Zombies all over the world started showing up to Zombie Remembrance Day parties and finding them full of eager hunters brimming with weapons and ready to take down as many of the undead as they possibly could. It went down as one of the worst days in undead history as hundreds of thousands of zombies were mowed down on what was supposed to be a special day for us. We just didn’t have the imagination to think about humans faking a party in order to take down as many of the undead as they could. Thousands more were killed by traps that had been set up at decoy parties to end the lives of even more zombies without the damn hunters even having to be there. Fuckers have no real honor. See, zombie hunters aren’t like you typical monster hunters who do it for the protection of the human race, zombie hunters just like to kill shit. Scum of the Earth if you ask me.
So Zombie Remembrance Day was officially dead…no pun intended. There was no way we were going to be able to celebrate it again under that name, not with the tragedy of that day hanging over our heads. Some wanted to give up even trying to have our own day again, but zombies are a stubborn lot and there was no way we were letting a bunch of zombie hunters get us down. Once more zombies the world over were asked to vote on a name, once more very few even bothered to vote, and once more our lack of imagination reared its ugly head. It was decided that we would simply call it Memorial Day Z, but we left the Z off the banners so the hunters wouldn’t be able to trick us. One of our prouder moments if you ask me. If our banners looked like everyone else’s then no deception would be possible. Smart huh? I mean, I guess they could still just set up a bunch of fake parties and kill the unlucky zombie that happened to wander in for the festivities. Also, if we take the Z out how the hell do we know which parties are specifically for the undead? Damn it, we did not think this through.
Anyways, I’ve got to take care of a few Memorial Day party details so I guess it’s time I get going. No, not Memorial Day Z, tomorrow is Memorial Day…yeah, it does get a bit confusing. Until next time this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out and wishing everyone one a happy Memorial Day, Z or otherwise.