Just the other day I was walking my little zombie dog Roshi down the street, well, not walking so much as dragging since he’s a stubborn little bastard that hates being walked. I love him to death but damn that dog is lazy. Anyways, I was doing what counts for walking him around the neighborhood when a group of kids walked up to us and started laughing at my poor lazy dog who happens to be a little green himself. I was about to teach the little punks a lesson by taking a few chunks of flesh when Roshi decided he was going to handle things himself, yeah, my dog might be small but he can be a vicious little bastard when he wants to be, don’t let his sweet demeanor fool you. He went right for those kids, tore a foot off one, a hand off another, and differing chunks here and there. Basically, Roshi handled his business and sent those kids running, or in the case of the now footless one hopping, away, proving once again that size doesn’t matter.
Yes, it’s your favorite zombie on the streets here this Sunday to talk about a rarely discussed subject, zombified pets. Yes, among the world of the living dead there are zombie pets, but there aren’t many. For whatever reason the virus that turns people into zombies doesn’t affect animals the same way. It enters the bloodstream and goes straight for the brain much like it does in a human, but often times it simply kills the poor unfortunate creature instead of turning them into a zombie. It’s a very sad thing to watch too because a bitten animal that doesn’t turn dies a very slow agonizing death, because of this zombies tend to stay away from biting animals, making the number of zombified animals even less. Sure, we’ll eat animals in a pinch, but for the most part the only animal we eat other than the two legged mammalian kind with an overzealous addiction to reality TV (and I’m not talking about Bigfoot, the only reality TV they watch are the Real Housewives shows, they love those damn things for some reason beyond me, I can’t even figure out how they get the electricity for their TVs) are pigs. Pig flesh comes the closest to human flesh so in a pinch the undead will go for pork, but you bet your ass we make sure they’re dead before we bite them…usually. Sometimes the hunger does what the hunger does and you can’t really control it; it’s a pain to deal with but as a zombie you just come to accept it, but if we can help it we make sure we don’t bite them while alive. Though I will say a zombified pig is one very cool animal. Kind of makes you not want to eat them anymore to be honest…kind of, because they do taste fairly well, not as good as humans mind you but fairly well none the less. I knew a guy once that had a whole pen of zombified pigs, the damn things were always hungry and they smelled worse than you can imagine, but there are few things more enjoyable than watching a rampage of zombie pigs. It was pretty cute to be honest, but we aren’t here to talk about cute.
As much as I wish I could say no animals were harmed in the making of this post, a bitten animal does happen. Not that I bit an animal to write this post or anything, I didn’t mean to say it that way, come on I’m not entirely heartless my heart just doesn’t beat. You know what, just forget that I ever said that first part. All I wanted to say was that sometimes in the course of a zombie’s life he or she will bite an animal. It’s almost always only one bite too because usually after the first bite a zombie feels so terrible that they immediately regret having bitten the animal. It’s a horrible feeling because you can almost always expect the animal to die. That means whatever creature you bite is definitely going to be dealing with the virus, and most likely expiring in an awful way. If they turn that’s great, then you’ve just gotten yourself a new zombie pet and as rare as they are you consider yourself pretty lucky, plus it means the animal doesn’t have to deal with the pain of the zombie virus killing them. I’ve seen zombie ferrets, zombie hamsters, zombie capybaras, zombie foxes, zombie lions, zombie tigers, and zombie bears oh my, though those last ones turned because they ate a zombie, real strange turn of events there. Of course there are zombie cats and dogs as well but those aren’t usually because of a bite but a scratch. Zombie nails get sharp as hell after a while, but we still like to pet a cute dog or cat, sometimes they get scratched. When that happens, well, the animal turns. We don’t mean to turn the cat or dog, it just happens. Luckily for them, a scratch has a higher success rate in turning the animal. It places a much smaller amount of the virus inside the body thus giving the animal’s brain more time to adjust. That’ how I ended up with Roshi. I was just fostering the little guy after he’d been rescued from a puppy mill, was petting him one day and he got a scratch. End of story. I couldn’t take him back after that, so I held onto him, and I’m glad I did. Most zombies are pretty ecstatic when they end up with an undead pet, nothing better that having a furry, undead friend. Never say zombies aren’t the sentimental types.
So what about those kids who ended up bitten? Well, the zombie virus might transfer from human to animal, but it doesn’t transfer back so well. It might make you sick as all hell but it won’t turn you. I can’t say why that is exactly but that’s how it works. Even if it’s a zombie chimpanzee it won’t turn a human, though judging by the damage done when one of those damn things come after you I’m not sure you want to survive after they’ve finished with you anyways. It’s probably a good thing to be honest. Human zombies have enough control issues when it comes to attacking people, animals just don’t care period. Mess with a zombie animal or his human friend and they are coming after you. If the virus transferred back we’d have a zombie epidemic on our hands, and while I enjoy the company of other zombies it just wouldn’t be cool if everyone was doing it. That means those group of kids get to learn a valuable lesson and stumpy gets a shiny new prosthetic foot.
Well that’s about it for this week’s Zombie Zoo. Until next time this is your friendly neighborhood zombie signing out.