Total Retribution

TR1

When the world is faced with extinction it’s up to one android to save the planet from an orbiting space station with a death ray pointed right at Earth.

I hate space, I’m just going to say that now, I really hate space. I’m not sure why mankind is so determined to explore it. Sure, Star Trek made it look cool to explore the cosmos and all, but to me space is just this huge deathtrap waiting to suck a person into a giant gravityless tomb where they will float, lost to all, for the rest of time. Give me an Enterprise or a Serenity or even an Executor and we’ll talk, but since I don’t see mankind coming up with that kind of technology anytime soon, I’ll keep my feet right here on planet Earth where the only way I could be lost to all for the rest of time is by logging into TV Tropes. At least humans die fairly quickly, if not horribly, when they get stuck in the vacuum of space. It’s only about thirty seconds before you pass out and a minute after that you’re dead and your corpse is set to drift through space until a meteor makes a silent splat with the mangled thing that used to be a body or you burn up in a star, the second one seeming a little bit more metal than the first. Zombies however take a bit more time before they finally succumb to the rigors of having our body pounded by the universe like a five dollar hooker. It’s a slow, torturous process that disfigures our body as we float through space until either the extreme cold freezes our brains to the point they quit functioning, the radiation present in space melts our brains, or the aforementioned meteor or star based experiences occur. Still, as torturous as those things seem, they can’t be half as torturous as sitting through Total Retribution.

We begin with a woman falling from the sky while we hear the words “humanity will end itself” repeated over and over again. Moments later that same woman is found in the middle of a desert by two people who look like tall Jawas and seem very interested in a necklace around her neck. Two hundred years later on one of the worst looking CGI space stations I’ve ever seen that same woman is waking up in a cell amidst the sound of alarms, naked, confused, and still possessing the necklace that the Jawas were so interested in. The woman walks right out of her cell (security not being what it used to be and all) just in time to see a guard put a bullet in her own head and collapse among a bunch of other unconscious station workers. She’s then forced to hide when soldiers come running into the room, shooting the unconscious workers in the head and praying over their corpses. Her hiding spot not being all that great, the woman is forced to leap into action, and she steals one of the soldier’s guns, leading to a Mexican standoff, but as areas of the station begin to explode the soldiers decide it’s not worth their time and run off. The woman, who we now know as Helen, wanders the station with no memory prior to waking up in the cell (still naked too mind you). Helen is forced to hide once again when a station worker turns into a zombie and punches another man to death, these zombies being more punch happy than your standard undead I guess. She makes her way to a locker room where Helen is finally able to obtain some clothes, but she is soon attacked by the same zombie she hid from earlier, escaping only by shooting him in the gut which you may recognize as a way to escape any attacker and not specifically the undead. Upon further exploration of the station Helen comes across a woman who explains the situation. It seems that Helen is no woman, but an android whose full purpose is unknown, but who has found herself in the middle of a civil war between scientists on the space station and the soldiers of Earth. The scientists have come up with a way to turn people into zombies that turn into robotic dinosaur things (yeah, this movie is that fucking stupid), and they’ve also turned a death ray toward that planet intent on destroying it because why the fuck not (it’s never explained what the point of this was). If Helen can’t discover the reason she’s been sent there before time runs out, the Earth and everyone on it is doomed to be destroyed.

TR10

{Remember to always stand and stare naked into space when you lose your memory}

Okay, I’ve got to address something before I go any further because I’m sure you furrowed your brow when you read it as much as I furrowed mine when I saw it “people that turn into zombies that turn into robotic dinosaur things.” I have no idea what the fuck they were smoking when they came up with that idea because these were some of the dumbest zombies I have ever seen created. They don’t even start out like normal zombies, they turn for reasons I didn’t understand, something about a preacher like figure that modified them somehow (there’s some strange new religion that everyone follows but the movie never explains, just an example of the lazy writing on the filmmakers’ part), but when they first turn they’re like super zombies. They are strong enough to bend steel and rip a person to shreds and nothing seems to be able to stop them, including guns. Well, that is unless the writers decide that bullets suddenly work. There are numerous scenes of the “zombies” getting riddled with bullets and it doing jack of shit, then moments later someone will open up with a machine gun and take out a dozen zombies. Hell, the first zombie that Helen has to hide from takes several bullets without falling, Helen shoots him once in the gut and suddenly lead is zombie kryptonite. Then, through some process that made absolutely no sense, the zombies morph into robotic creatures that look like a metal velociraptor fucked a graboid from Tremors. The body is that of a metallic velociraptor, one that had gained some weight mind you, with the mouth of a graboid. Not only did they look terrible, it just didn’t make sense. Why did they turn into robots? I just didn’t get it, and there is never any explanation given because I don’t think the writers really gave a shit as evidenced by the “zombies are invincible, now they’re not” attitude of whether or not bullets hurt the undead.

TR2

{Picture this as the top half…}

TR3

{And a metallic version of this as the bottom half}

It doesn’t help that the effects are so god awful that these robozombies look terrible. Don’t get me wrong, their design concept was so ridiculous that they would have looked terrible even with the best effects, but the dollar bin CGI made them look horrendous. In fact, all of the effects in this movie are horrendous thanks to a good 90 percent of them being dollar bin CGI, maybe even penny bin CGI. Yeah, it was that bad. I haven’t seen CGI that bad since the last time I watched a 70’s science fiction TV show, maybe even 60’s because Star Trek had better effects. The jackasses who made this film couldn’t even get the fucking doors to open correctly. I dreaded every time they were going to show the space station from the outside because those were some of the worst effects of the entire film. I played Star Wars computer games in the early 90’s that had better graphics for their space stations by a huge margin. I personally would have been embarrassed to have put out that work myself. Actually, I should back pedal because the space station effects weren’t the worst. That would be the blood splatter effects. When zombies would go down CGI blood would splash on the camera lens in what I’m sure the filmmakers thought would look cool. It didn’t, it was the furthest thing from cool, coming across as annoying and looking poor. I’m guessing they were hoping the blood splatter would hide how badly their effects looked. Unfortunately for them it didn’t work. It doesn’t help their cause either when they have a zombie get shot over and over again, little CGI clouds of blood puffing out from the wounds, only for the zombies to be shown afterward with absolutely no bullet holes whatsoever, not even their clothes were damaged. These fucks were so lazy they couldn’t even match the muzzle flashes of weapons fire up to the actor firing. It was pathetic.

TR7

{I guess they didn’t want to interfere with her firing while naked}

On top of how bad everything looks are the numerous and never ending barrage of absolutely idiotic things that continuously happen on screen. I started writing them down and had to give up at one point I had so many of the damn things noted. Let me give you some examples:

  • When Helen hides from the first zombie she watches become undead, the one who punches his friend to death, she hides in a vent right above the pair. She is looking straight down at them, maybe only a few feet over them and yet they never notice the android right there. She’s not so much hiding as she is asking them to find her.
  • In the beginning, Helen knows she’s up against armed men, yet when she finds herself with a gun in hand with which to defend herself she throws it away and grabs a crowbar instead. Then only ten minutes later she is asking for a gun. Why the fuck did she thrown the gun away in the first place then?
  • There are apparently airlocks all over the fucking space station because every time they can’t kill a zombie they throw it out an airlock and that happens a lot. The entire station seems to be made up entirely of airlocks. I’m not even sure how this station stays together.
  • Let me let describe to you what a future outfit looks like for the film. It’s a tube top, spandex biker shorts, boots, one knee guard, just one, and a belt for some reason, a belt Helen chooses to put on as dramatically as possible.

These are only a few example mind you, there are dozens more as the film goes on. Every time I thought it couldn’t get any dumber the film proved me wrong. This movie is just so absolutely stupid.

TR9

{Thank God}

This is a film you should never bothering watching. It deserves to be forgotten as one of the worst zombie films ever made. Not only does it feature ridiculous zombies and awful effects, but the acting and dialogue are atrocious as well. This movie does not deserve a second of your time.

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: Andrew Bellware (Clonehunter, Android Insurrection)

Starring: Robin Kurtz (Mulletville, Clonehunter), Walter Barnes, and Joe Beuerlein

Release Year: 2011

Release Type: Straight to Video

MPAA Rating: Rated R

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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