Creepozoids

CR1

When a group of army deserters trying to escape the ravages of World War III find an abandoned research station hidden beneath the ground, they think their prayers have been answered. That is until a strange creature begins attacking the runaways and strange messages tell the tale of something that shouldn’t have been.

An undead buddy of mine once got locked up in a lab for experimentation; he was there for nine weeks before a freak electrical surge let him out. I met up with the poor zombie a couple of months after his escape and let me tell you, he was pretty messed up from his ordeal. I tried to ask him about it and he just kept repeating over and over again “Creepozoids…Creepozoids…Creepozoids”. I’d heard of a movie called Creepozoids, but couldn’t understand how that would have anything to do with his state of mind. I just figured I was missing something or misunderstanding. Turns out it was no misunderstanding. Years later, after his rotted mind had had some time to heal, he told me that while they experimented on him, they kept looping the film, forcing him to watch it for weeks on end. After watching this piece of garbage once, I can now totally understand his complete breakdown over having to watch it for nine weeks straight.

Our craptastic film starts with five army deserters walking around the wasteland that used to be The United States of America before World War III devastated the country. The group of warriors in hiding are looking for a place to hunker down when the rain comes in, only this isn’t any normal type of rain, it’s acid rain (an acid rain that only burns backpacks for some odd reason since that’s the only things that seems burned even though they were all standing outside completely exposed but whatever). The group seek shelter and are lucky enough to come across a secret (though obviously not secret enough since it’s in plain sight, I’m thinking they misunderstood the use of the word secret) entrance to an underground building. Entering the hidden area they discover their hideaway to be an abandoned lab complete with incomprehensible data and odd looking lab equipment. While the group is at first ecstatic about the access to good food, working showers, and comfortable beds, it quickly becomes apparent that something is amiss. A computer the group finds contains details about a series of experiments conducted in the recent past but doesn’t seem willing to divulge any hard information on these experiments. Things only get stranger when the team nerd (come on, these movies have to have the stereotypical nerd, you should know this) ends up puking his guts out during chow time, and I mean literally puking his guts out, and his stomach, and his intestines, and his kidneys, and his…well, you get the point. When a giant cockroach/lizard/human attacks the group and begins dragging members off to whatever nefarious plan it has hatched in its wicked little mind, the group decides that something needs to be done. Unfortunately for the beleaguered MIAs, they only have two options out of their current predicament: getting eaten alive by the acid rain melting the world outside or facing a creature they know nothing about, can’t fight, and who seems to have a very disconcerting human intelligence.

 CR7

{Also there are giant rats, can’t forget about the giant rats, ones I’m sure were purchased at the corner store}

Creepozoids is the perfect example of why “Creature Features”, one of my favorite subgenres in horror, has such a negative reputation in many a fan’s eyes. Devoid of talent, acting bad enough to make Ed Wood drool in his grave, and effects that would have given an Atari video game a run for its money. The creature looks like someone melted a bunch a bunch of plastic, spray painted it black, put it on an actor, and told said actor to walk around like he was drunk. The occasional giant rubber rat gets thrown into the mix as well, and I mean quite literally thrown from off camera and shaken by a string so as to look “real”.

CR6

{No, that doesn’t look absolutely fucking terrible at all}

I’m pretty sure the dialogue was written by a failing, no, not failing, but failed comedian. You can tell they thought they were being really funny with the never ending barrage of bad jokes and cheesy one liners. The problem is none of it is funny, not a single bit of it, and no more than ten minutes in, it gets really old. I kept wishing the sound would go out on the DVD and I wouldn’t need to hear anymore. My prayers for silence went unanswered and I actually felt a little dumber after having to listen through the entire film.

CR2

{I know how you feel buddy}

I don’t think I really need to even bother getting into the acting “abilities”, suffice it to say there is more than acting talent in a kindergarten play than in Creepozoids. Even the Scream Queen herself, Miss Linnea Quigley, falls far short of her usual self.

CR3

{Just looking at this picture annoys me after watching them try and act}

This movie is just bad all around. It’s not the worse movie I’ve ever seen, but it’s definitely up there. Unless you like the idea of seeing exactly how bad an 80’s creature feature can really be I would try and find something else. Otherwise watch at your own risk, the true terror is not the thing hiding in the darkness, but that this movie was even made in the first place.

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: David DeCoteau (The Pit and the Pendulem{2009}, The Frightening)

Starring: Linnea Quigley (The Return of the Living Dead, Night of the Demons), Ken Abraham (Terror Night, Vampires on Bikini Beach), and Ashlyn Gere (Adult Film Actress)

Released By: Titan Productions, Beyond Infinity, Empire Pictures, and Urban Classics

Release Year: 1987

Release Type: Theatrical Release

MPAA Rating: Rated R

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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