Okay, before I begin let me just warn you that this edition of The Zombie Zoo is going to get a little sentimental so if that’s not your thing I understand if you just want to click a different link and…wait, where the fuck are you going. I didn’t actually mean that, I was just trying to look polite, you know, make myself sound like less of an egomaniac than I really am. I didn’t actually think you’d go read something else. Trust me, when someone gives you another option other than listening to them, what they really mean is “Please hang on to every goddamn word I say because I truly believe I have something amazing to say and my head might possibly implode if I don’t have your rapt attention.” You think people love to hear themselves speak while they’re alive, just wait till they’re undead. Zombies, myself included, can go on for hours about anything that pops into their head, anything at all. We have both the longest and the most pointless discussions in modern history. You ever hear of The Great Undead Argument of 2003? No? Do you know why? Because the fucking thing is still going on to this day. It never ended and to be honest, I don’t even know what the hell started it. I know the last time I checked in it was about which Matrix movie was shittier. I’d say this was a fluke but the fact is it happens all the time. To make these discussions/arguments even more frustrating, a common zombie saying is “I might not always be right but I am never wrong,” so you can see why most other creatures hate arguing with us, zombies on the other hand love it. By the way, it was totally the last Matrix movie that sucked the most.
This is my Mother’s Day Zombie Zoo special and yes, it is going to get a bit sentimental. Why? Well because I fucking love my mom, that’s why, damn it, I mean I freaking love my mom (she might give this one a read and she really hates cussing, also, she owns a very large ruler). She’s awesome and has never once judged my undead lifestyle. True, she got to know me first while I was among the living, it’s not like you get born a zombie (though I did see an undead baby once and even I thought it was the creepiest damn thing I’d ever seen) but even after the change she still loved me just as much as she had when I was among the living. I keep offering to make her a full-fledged member of the living dead as well (by the bite from an undead friend of mine, biting my own mom just seems wrong on so many levels) but she keeps turning me down, something about loving her job and not wanting to eat any of her coworkers. I swear, you bite one freaking loan officer at the office and suddenly it’s like it’s going to happen all the time. She is probably one of the least judgmental people I know and has stuck by me through thick and thin, both while living and while dead. She doesn’t mind when I come over bloody after just finishing a meal, she doesn’t mind when pieces of me occasionally fall off and have to be put back on, she doesn’t mind that I’m a murderous creature fueled by a merciless hunger, and best of all, she’ll let me ramble on and on about whatever the hell I want, even if it’s not her cup of tea. Can’t tell you the amount of times she’s listened to my Kirk vs. Picard argument, an argument I think is pointless because it’s a well-known fact that Benjamin Sisko could kick the shit out of them both (though to be fair, I’m pretty sure, at least physically, even Janeway could beat the shit out of Picard; Kirk on the other hand might be able to hold his own, plus I don’t think he has any problems with smacking a woman). All you have to do is look at…
Message from the men in black: We’re just going to go ahead and cut out the rest of this part. It’s almost twenty pages of The Undead Review explaining his theory on why Sisko is the better captain even though he started out as just a commander. We’re not sure what it all entailed exactly as we fell asleep halfway through and decided to delete it all when we woke up. We believe he has just proved what he said in the beginning, zombies will go on about anything, regardless of whether or not it is completely pointless. We do apologize for the inconvenience and promise to personally reprimand him (most likely with fire) for even attempting to waste your time. Thank you.
…and you can see why it completely makes sense. Man that went on for a bit, but I bet you’re happy you got to hear another perspective right. Anyway, mom has listened to that argument nearly a hundred times by now and yet she still listens intently every time I bring it up. So what’s Mother’s Day like for other members of the living dead? Depends on how close they are to their own mother.
Generally there’s three types of situations you run into when it comes to the undead and their mothers and all three relate to exactly how the undead child gets along with dear old mom.
– Situation One: Mom hates the undead
– This is unfortunately more common than it should be. I mean I understand it, I really do. Kid dies, mom mourns. Kid comes back, what the fuck (damn it, what the freak, sorry mom), mom just mourned and now her son or daughter is standing right in front of them like it was nothing. It’s a traumatic experience to say the least, but there is something these mothers don’t seem to understand, it’s pretty damn traumatic for the zombie too. You think he or she just woke up one morning and went “Gee, today sounds like an awesome day to get partially eaten by a zombie and rise up as a new member of undead society.” That’s not really how it works. Not that those turned aren’t ecstatic after the change and all. I don’t know a single zombie that was unhappy after coming back (well, that’s not entirely true, the living have emo people, the dead have zemo people…look we’re not very imaginative when it comes to names) but the one thing that can easily ruin the new found happiness of returning from death is coming to see dear old mom and having her either A. Slam the door in your face B. Scream and run the other way or C. Grab the nearest weapon and try to re-kill you before you’ve even had the chance to enjoy your new lease on life, err, sort of life. Some people will simply never accept the undead, even if it happens to be their very own child. For a zombie having this type of mom Mother’s Day is a depressing reminder of a painful rejection that can only be forgotten by overconsumption of human flesh and a holiday they wish everyone would let die (pun very much intended).
– Situation Two: Mom is a member of the living dead herself
– This one’s pretty rare but it does on occasion happen. In fact there are entire families compromised entirely of the undead and you know what they say, the family that stalks together stays together or is it the family that eviscerates together…no, I don’t think it’s that one either, damn it, what the hell is it. Oh wait, now I remember, the family that dies together, comes back from the dead together, and eats living flesh together stays together. Yeah, it’s way too long of a saying, but never have truer words been spoken. Mother’s Day isn’t too much different for a zombie with a zombified mother. They get together, take down a human or two (maybe more if it’s the aforementioned entire family of zombies), and generally just enjoy each other’s undead company.
– Situation Three: Mom is still among the living but accepts her child as the zombie menace he or she is
– Next to the unaccepting mother this would have to be the next most common. There’s not too much I can say about it. Things are pretty much just the way they were before the zombie became a zombie with the exception of a few weird stares from mom’s neighbors. That’s exactly how it’s been for yours truly. The only thing mom asks is that I not bring pieces of victims to her house, oh, and never leave them on the front lawn either, she really hated the last time I did that. Don’t judge me, I knew I was going to hungry afterward. In this situation Mother’s Day is no different for the zombie than it is for you.
I can already tell what you’re thinking, “Why would a cynical zombie who hates everything about the living want to celebrate one of the living’s most commercial holidays, a holiday that has nothing to do with actually recognizing all that mom does and everything to do with retailers selling more junk to unassuming consumers?” It’s all about how you look at it. I don’t really care about the commercialism or the holiday’s gimmick, I just look at it as a way to give mom a day that’s all about her. Most of the living are just tender walking morsels as far as I’m concerned, it’s like a world comprised entirely of Applebee’s half priced appetizers, but every mother out there who had a pain in the ass, stubborn as hell, argumentative, disruptive child (living or dead) deserves a bit of recognition. My hat’s off to every mother out there.
After writing an article that has completely just made me look like a sappy, sentimental, and caring member of the living dead I guess I can’t make it much worse my dedicating this one to not only the mothers of the world out there but more specifically to my mom as well. Love you mom.
Okay, I am so done now. I can’t believe how sappy I made that one. I’m not going to lie, I feel a little dirty inside now, like I’m going to have to eat a litter of puppies or something just to compensate, maybe open up my own Walmart (can’t get much more evil than that). Until next time this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.