Long Live the Dead

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An anthology of five zombie shorts showcasing just how bad the undead can be shown on screen. I don’t think that’s exactly what it’s supposed to be about but that’s pretty much what it is.

 

Okay, so not all five of these are complete garbage, but they range from half decent to outright fucking terrible. There are five individual tales each with a different story, and the two that are just alright do not make up for the three that deserve to burn in cinema hell for all eternity. Seriously, they have not made a fictional punishment in hell yet for where this movie deserves to suffer. Sisyphus got off easy compared to the punishment deserved of this film. Even the two that aren’t bad still have their fair share of problems. Since this is five individual stories I’ll go ahead and take a look at each of them before seeing how the movie works as a whole. Let’s start going through the muck shall we.

Dweezle

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Robin and her best friend Josie get together at Robin’s apartment where she lives with her professor boyfriend (they take up an inordinate amount of time making sure the viewer is aware that Robin’s boyfriend is a professor for some reason). Robin is worried that an old classmate Dweezle is stalking her, but surprise, it’s really the professor who is the threat when he turns into a zombie and attacks the pair. Oh yeah, then Dweezle shows up zombified as well because it turns out there was a virus turning the dead into ravenous monsters that the pair suddenly remembers when the professor tries to eat them. This was easily the worst one in the bunch. The acting is beyond atrocious, just awful vomit inducing garbage from two people who obviously had no experience whatsoever acting in a film. They never appeared to be scared, just mildly annoyed that two zombies were attacking them. Then again, since their zombie amnesia ends at the first attack, maybe they were supposed to be just annoyed. I mean seriously, how the fuck do you forget that the dead are coming back to life? Seems like kind of a big deal. Beyond that our zombies are a dude in a Ronald Regan mask with blackened teeth and a guy whose face I’m pretty sure they covered in plastic wrap. It looked so bad I couldn’t believe it was allowed on screen.

A Picture To Die For

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Two friends are exploring a cemetery, one taking artistic photos and one just along for the ride, when the dead begin to rise and a lone zombie stalks them through the graveyard. This one wasn’t terrible. The acting is halfway decent, and I did enjoy the playful banter between the friends, but that’s about it. The one zombie that’s shown looked like something you’d see at an elementary school haunted house and didn’t seem like much of a threat. There are supposed to be a whole host of the undead attacking a nearby school (something the ditzy of the two friends finds out when her boyfriend calls her) so one lonely zombie attacking the pair shouldn’t have been an issue. Add in the ditzy girl’s inability to stay off her phone even when the zombie is nearby and what could have been a good short was just an irritating mess.

Black Bone Woods

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A news team goes into the Black Bone Woods to research a local legend concerning the ghost of a nearby town’s founder who disappeared a hundred years prior, only his charred bones being located a day after his disappearance (thus the wood’s name). As they begin to film their story one of the team passes out and a horrible roar is heard reverberating through the woods. The team take off running but are pursed by the zombified ghost of the aforementioned founder. I wasn’t sure that ghosts could be zombies, but there it is, we have a story with people being chased by a zombie that is also a ghost…and possibly magic. I don’t know, they just kind of start throwing shit in there towards the end. It was just dumb. Lead Janet goes out of her way to be a bitch but comes across as only slightly grumpy while the other two members of her team are half ass and mediocre at best. Zombified ghost Alexander does look good…as long as he’s out of focus and blurry which he is the few times he’s shown. The one time he’s shown clearly you see why they kept him so blurry. Not that I expected much from people who couldn’t even be asked to find accurate period clothing for their flashback scenes. Not that I’m a period expert but I’m pretty sure people at the turn of the last century didn’t wear 1970’s styles.

Zoe Dies In The End

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Zombie fanatic Zoe gets together with her best friend to drink away her grief at having recently found out about the infidelity of her boyfriend. As they argue about the value of zombies in the real world and in cinema, one wanders right off the streets proving their existence to the all too excited Zoe and setting off a struggle for survival as she and her friend dream up the best way to handle the situation. It was clear from the get go of this one that the director was dead set on showing the viewer just how much he knew about zombies. There is a nonstop barrage of zombie references thrown at the viewer during the entire segment as Zoe spews out everything she knows about the genre. It was something that got headache inducing only a few minutes into the segment. Yes, we get it, you are a fucking zombie expert, now please shut the fuck up and end this piece of shit. It doesn’t help that the actresses playing Zoe and her friend are so poorly portrayed you wish for nothing more than a quick death for the pair so that at least you won’t have to hear them anymore. Then we have a zombie that looks like Chunk from The Goonies survived a house fire and another one that had a dime store mask and…no I’d still just prefer dealing with them than ultra annoying Zoe and her friend.

Here Lies Bud

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Tess waits in a hotel room freaking out about a dead man lying on the floor next to her bed, frantically trying to get ahold of her friend Jess (yeah, they gave up on the names at this point). Two hours earlier the man, now identified as her boyfriend/pimp Bud, showed up at the hotel room with a bite on his neck before passing out and dying. Tess is finally able to get ahold of her friend and the two of them must come up with a plan to get rid of Bud’s body without getting the police involved. Though this one had little to do with the undead it was the best of the bunch. The short story is entrenching and Tess’s acting is phenomenal. She pulled off the frantic acting of something trying to deal with a situation that has both shocked and appalled them. Sadly Jess and Bud are both flat and though Bud is supposed to be dead nearly the whole time he is clearly breathing every time they show his body.

 

I wish Here Lies Bud would have been the first one shown because it easily the best of the bunch and a tale that would have stood on its own, but by the time I got to it my mind was already beginning to shut down and trying to escape reality as a safety measure to save itself from the imminent overload this movie tried to induce. It was such an awful fucking film that I cannot believe it was ever made in the first place. Despite the one good short it was one of the worst things to happen to zombies since, well since fucking ever. I was pretty sure I had seen the worst zombie film in existence, then this came along. Now I am a damaged movie goer trying to overcome the liquefaction of my mind by watching this horrible piece of shit. Most of this seemed to have no real point other than pissing off the viewer and forcing them to destroy their television to make sure there is no way to ever have to come across it again. I used to wish for world peace, now I wish for a world where this movie was never made.

If you’re ever going to listen to a single review of mine, I beg you to listen to this one. Do not, for the love of god, ever watch this movie. It is the worst zombie film ever made.

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: Richard Poche (Money, Vampires, and Weed, Killing Batgirl)

Starring: Mindy Byram (Lucella Green, Warrior’s End), Stephanie Danielson (Snow: Queen of Darkness, Muck), Megan Porter (Cult of the Vampire, The White Rabbit), Halie Islava (The Chills, Blood Money), and Mary Newman (2 Hitman, Beyond the Mat)

Released By: Poche Pictures and WildEye Releasing

Release Year: 2013

Release Type: Straight to Video

MPAA Rating: Not Rated

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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