The other day I had to take a trip down to my local union hall to sign some paperwork for my latest round of repair. Usually that’s not really a big deal, fill out a few forms, pay whatever bill you owe, and move on, but things were a little bit different that day. That day was when they were bringing in notorious zombie Edgar Phells. Phells has been responsible for a number of murders, including those of both the living and the dead. Understand, when I mean murder I don’t mean using humans for a food source or trying to eat other zombies, I mean just killing them for some sick sense of sport. He’s basically a zombified serial killer. He might munch on a few living humans here and there after he’s killed them just to stave off the hunger as much as he can, but he’s mainly just killing people and zombies because he enjoys killing them. In other words he’s one extremely fucked up individual, and as they dragged him into the building, chains restraining him and terrified looks surrounding him, I could only be thankful I never ended up on the guy’s list.
Yes, it’s your unfriendly neighborhood zombie, back this time to discuss a sometimes very complicated subject, the subject of undead psychopaths. Zombie kind gets a lot of flak for being murderous, brainless fiends, unable to control ourselves as we wander from city to city in search of our next meal. First of all, most of us don’t really wander from city to city when it’s much easier to set up shop in a single town and just learn the whereabouts of your victims…um, okay, I think I’m explaining this wrong. Not victims, meals, our meals, let me clarify once again, meals. Damn it I need to start watching my wording. Second we aren’t brainless, I mean for fuck’s sake, I’m writing this aren’t I. Plus, it takes a bit of smarts to track a vict…damn it, meal, meal damn it. I’m not doing this right at all. Let me just start over.
Okay, there are two main types of zombies, the type that only kill when they have to eat and the type that kill because they enjoy it. Most zombies will tell you they don’t enjoy the kill and that’s very true. Don’t get me wrong, we most assuredly love the taste of a freshly killed human and the ingestion of warm human flesh, but that doesn’t mean we enjoy killing anybody. It’s a pretty nasty business. Messes up your cloths, ruins your shoes, not to mention how stringy human flesh can be, oh yeah, and the whole business of killing a living human being. That’s important too. Zombified psychopaths on the other hand kill simply because they love the feeling of killing another living thing, especially living things of the human variety. They don’t even eat much of what they kill. In fact they’re rarely eat what they kill, somehow feeling that it is less than dignified to eat a fresh human. They only want to kill and move on to the next kill. They will most assuredly eat because no matter how strong of a person you are the hunger gets to you sooner or later and you will succumb, but they eat only the smallest little bit, just enough to stave it off as long as possible. They are an embarrassment to all of zombie kind, feeding the stereotypes we all have to deal with but not seeming to give a shit regardless either way. Kill for your food sure, but not just because you have a sick urge to kill.
Most zombies hate these fuckers as well. Not just because they make us look bad mind you. Sure, we can’t stand the trouble they cause us among the living world, but that’s not the biggest reason we can’t stand them. There’s also the matter of them not having any problem killing off their own kind. It’s true enough that zombies don’t mind the occasional round of fisticuffs with another rotting ghoul, or for that matter that zombie on zombie murder doesn’t happen the same way it does in the living world, but we don’t target our own kind. Many a zombie psychopath actually gets off on finding other zombies to take out, taking pleasure in murdering their own kind. They even sharpen the bones on their fingertips to act as better weapons in incapacitating other zombies. It’s as sick and twisted among the undead as it is among the living, and no less near as intolerable.
So what do we do with these individuals? I can’t fully go into detail on that to be entirely honest. We have our methods of dealing with them though, sometimes rather harshly. Trust me, I’m sparing you a whole host of nightmares you don’t want to have in leaving that last little tidbit out of this. I told you before there were certain things I couldn’t go into when it came to zombie union halls and one of those things concerns this. You would thank me if you know what I meant. Let’s just say those like Edgar Phells won’t be bothering anyone again.
That’s all I have for this week folks, so until next time this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.