The Hive

H1

When ants begin killing off the residents of a small South Asian island, it’s up to the extermination team of Thorax to take care of the threat, but when the ants turn out to be controlled by a central intelligence, things get just a little bit trickier.

I actually like ants personally. They remind me of myself in a certain way; after all, they consume the flesh of the living just as I do. Yeah, there are lots of species that do that, but not like the ant. The ant voraciously consumes any living thing in its path, just like a swarm of zombies will when anything with a pulse is up for dinner. We might be a little more particular about what we choose to eat, preferring the upright mammal known as Homosapiens over any other type of living meat, but we will still eat anything moving when we are in swarm mode, so to you I raise a glass noble ant. You will always be our insect brothers, but on to the actual flick now.

Our antastic film (come on, I couldn’t help myself) begins on a small South Asian island where the residents are being forced to flee from an army of ferocious, hungry, and poorly created CGI ants, ants that will eat anything and anyone who gets too close. A special team of exterminators are brought in to deal with the creepy crawly problem and destroy the infestation. This team uses the best of the best to deal with the ant menace, plasma cannons, that’s right mother f’n plasma cannons. These are apparently the exterminators you call when the Starship Enterprise gets a bug problem. I’m not sure what idiot thought that was going to be cool, but there it is, futuristic exterminators with plasma cannons. Alright, I gotta move on because just remembering how stupid these things looked is pissing me off again. As our crack team moves out to deal with the ant problem with cowboy like bravado, it quickly becomes apparent that these are no ordinary ants when they begin using traps to lure the unsuspecting humans to their deaths, not only that, but they can link their bodies together in order to make large “tentacles”. With the ants actually outsmarting the exterminators (futuristic weaponry and all), these humans are going to have to think quick or else take the chance of ending up dinner for a million hungry little mouths.

 H2

{Slow ants mind you but ants none the less}

A lot of people aren’t going to understand why I thought this movie was going to at all make sense for the Year of the Undead. I wanted to find a good ant movie for this year, this one seemed good…my bad. Truth be told, it makes perfect sense why ants would be included in a zombie film review series. Ants are very much like the undead in that they horde. Have you ever seen a horde of ants marching on their prey? Tell me they don’t look like the undead as they swarm over their prey. In my opinion they look very much like the undead as the entire horde of ants overruns their prey and drags its carcass back to their queen and the rest of the brood. I’d say the only real difference is that the undead don’t save their meals for very long, choosing instead to consume them on the spot, then again, we don’t have a queen to feed…usually. Let us get on with the review proper though.

 H8

{I am awesome, I am awesome}

Ants, tiny little harmless ants, that’s your killer his time. I just want to make sure I have this right; you chose tiny little ants as your film’s antagonist. Yet, somehow you thought that was going to scare us without some serious effort? Not only that, but you chose ants who were apparently controlled by aliens the whole time. Are you freaking kidding me? Sorry, I know I just gave away the absolutely retarded ending for those of you lucky enough to have never had to sit through this piece of garbage, but I seriously haven’t ruined anything. They don’t even reveal this alien controlled ant thing till the very end in some quick little throw in, and even then it takes some guy actually saying it was aliens before you realize that’s what just happened. An alien took control of this country’s ants to portray some message that gets way beyond lost in a really bad movie, something about protecting the planet or peace and love or maybe it was please don’t make any more really bad movies about ants. At the film’s start I said to myself, “This better not be prehistoric”, thinking that was the dumbest explanation to expect, turns out I was wrong, there was actually one ending even worse.

 H5

{Baby snatching ants was my next guess}

Okay, so the explanation of why the ants are swarming is dumb, but the film’s stars have to look good right? I mean, anyone who makes a movie about killer ants would surly have put a lot of effort into creating a memorable creation right? There is no way someone would be dumb enough to make a killer ant film with terrible looking ants…as it turns out, those statements are all incorrect. The ants in this movie are terrible, they look bad, the CGI is poorly done, and they come off as ridiculous and just plain silly. What I mean by the last bit is that they move as fast as Lance Armstrong, devour whole people in less than half a minute, and seem inspired by that terrible Ants movie Woody Allen made to impress his child/bride. There are a few points where I would kind of start to like the little critters (like when they dropped a tree on the team) only to have them form one of their stupid little tentacle things and have it ruined. This movie had to have been written by a twelve year old with a learning disability and produced by a company too tripped out on LSD to realize they had a complete bomb, that’s the only rational explanation I can come up with. How else would ant tentacles have been considered a good idea?

 H6

{Ant tentacles, what a great idea}

So the explanation is moronic, the ants are bad, and the effects are below that of 90’s television movies, but there has to be something redeeming about the movie right? The story maybe, or the acting, maybe the acting was good, or what about the dialogue, the dialogue could have been funny, maybe this was supposed to be a comedy and I just missed it was all? Yes and no, come on, with everything they’ve done wrong with this movie did you really expect them to get anything completely right?

 H7

{Hell, they even added lightsabers.  That’s not lightsabers? What the fuck}

The story does have its interesting bits and there were a few parts that, surprise, surprise didn’t have the ants that I thought were well done, such as the team leader evacuating a town before the ants get there or the party after their misinformed victory before the ant launch wave 2, but all in all, it just seems to be lazy for the most part. I can actually give you examples (just because my brain is slowly rotting away doesn’t mean I can’t remember anything). Do I really need to bring up the plasma cannons again? Okay, I didn’t think so either. What about the fact that everyone in this SOUTH ASIAN country speaks English? I guess it works out for the team but it doesn’t really make much sense. There are also a lot of scenes in the first half of the movie that have army forces using flame throwers against the onslaught of ants; the only problem is that the ants are always supposed to be far away when they’re doing this. Yeah, the ants are never there when these guys are shooting their flames at the ground. These soldiers are always there for town evacuations as the ants are approaching, but flee the minute the ants actually get there, but before this they spend their time just torching the ground. Where was their use again?

 H4

{Because plasma cannons look badass, that’s why}

The acting I have to say was actually pretty good for the most part, with all the major players pulling off their characters perfectly, so I can’t really fault any actor in this movie for being a reason why it sucks so badly. Even if the acting is good, bad dialogue can still kill the movie and this dialogue is really bad, with cheesy one liners that would be unacceptable to even Full Moon Pictures, but it does get one honorable mention. During one argument about what to do with the ants one person suggests talking to them and gets the response “I will not negotiate with these ants”. Sorry, but it’s funny, especially with the use of “these ants” as if there were a different kind he might negotiate with.

 H9

{They only negotiate with the really badass ants}

In the end this movie is too broken to be even considered watchable, it might have a couple decent parts and yeah, the acting isn’t too terrible, but it still deserves to be placed squarely on the bottom of the trash bin. If you really need to watch a good ant flick go pick up the original Them!, but whatever you do just stay away from this piece of garbage.

 

 

The Undead Review

 

 

Directed By: Peter Manus (Khon fai luk, 999-9999)

Starring: Tom Wopat (yep, that’s right, Luke Duke from the original Dukes of Hazard, for those of you who haven’t seen it, it’s a crappy show with two great central characters, one of whom was this man), Kal Weber (Chemical Wedding, Assault on Waco), and Elizabeth Healey (Croc, Cold and Dark)

Released By: Panorama Distributions and RHI Entertainment

Release Year: 2008

Release Type: TV Movie

MPAA Opinion: Not Rated

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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