Big Tits Zombies

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Underneath a Japanese strip club lies an age old secret of how to reanimate the dead, and when a group of strippers find said secret all hell is released upon the Earth.

I actually picked up this flick by mistake. I mean, not that I didn’t mean to grab Big Tits Zombies, I was just under the assumption that I was buying porn. Sure, the girls looked a little fresher than in some of your more popular zombie pornos, but it’s normal to add a lot of makeup in the hopes of drawing in the living and making a few extra bucks. What? Like you wouldn’t watch a zombie porno if the girls looked mostly normal? Ten to one I bet you already have watched one and you didn’t know any better. Oh, don’t pretend to be grossed out. You know you would have gotten it anyway. Besides, it’s a well-known fact that zombie made porn is the best you can find, just make sure you ask a zombie buddy if you intend to look into some of the freakier stuff because zombies can be fucked up people. Being dead kind of kills any boundaries you have.

Our further addition to the “Strippers and Zombies” genre begins with a scantily clad, katana toting woman being saved from a small group of the undead by a scantily clad woman with a chainsaw. Rewind a few days and we find katana woman and chainsaw woman wearing a whole lot less than before and working with a few other girls at a strip club with some problems bringing in customers. The club closes down and the girls are forced to take a job at the adjacent day spa and suffer things like being made to sumo wrestle, lay down naked to function as sushi trays, and have wasabi inserted places wasabi should never go. After going through these indignities, the girls are back at the strip club (for some reason reopened now right after being closed down) and find a secret passage that leads to a well of souls and a book of the dead. Why it’s there who fucking knows, but this a movie about strippers fighting the undead so asking questions isn’t allowed. Nothing seems to have happened, but back upstairs a siren rings alerting the strippers that it’s time to dance (at the closed down strip club mind you) only their customers appear to be of the zombie variety now. Turns out the spell worked, blah, blah, blah, dead are rising all over the world, blah, blah, blah, bare breasts start falling out everywhere, blah, blah, blah, and I felt like blowing my brains out if only it meant I could go into a dark place where this movie could never touch me.

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{Some dark place far, far, far away}

I don’t know what I expected from a movie called Big Tits Zombies, aka, Big Tits Dragon: Hot Spring Zombie Vs. Strippers 5 because why the fuck not, this movie is already a giant clusterfuck why not give it a ridiculous title that has dragon in it for no reason. I’ve seen a lot of Japanese horror movies over the years, but never one that was this over the top, so over the top that it is never funny, only incredibly stupid. The smallest, lightest of things will send people flying, sushi comes to life to attack people, zombies freeze up at bare breasts, zombies play ping pong, a zombified woman’s body falls apart of her on accord so she can use her intestines to rape a woman, and one woman even begins spewing fire from her vagina once she dies. It was just one horribly stupid thing after another and it never got better. Every single time I thought they had already shown the dumbest thing they could possibly show they went right on ahead and proved me wrong. It felt like this movie was made by a twelve year old boy who had just seen his first pair of breasts ever and thought that zombies were the only thing missing from the experience. The film is based off of a Japanese manga that I had never heard of, and after watching this piece of shit, I won’t be checking it out anytime soon either.

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{Someone actually thought this was a good idea}

It didn’t seem like the filmmakers gave a shit about this movie in the slightest. I kept telling myself that it was maybe just a bad attempt at parody, that the humor was going over my head, but after seeing how absolutely horrendous the effects were I can’t help but believe that they hoped throwing tits into the title would be enough to make a couple of bucks, and rushed through the filming with no care as to how the movie would turn out. The zombie makeup isn’t even half assed (is quarter assed a term), they’re either dime store Halloween masks, charcoal markings, or those fake tattoos we used to get out of quarter machines as kids. They are cut in two, decapitated, and have their limbs cut off, and each time it looks fucking awful. Sesame Street had better graphics that were far and above even the best of what these asshats seemed capable of pulling off. It was almost offensive how bad the effects were, just absolute and total shit that would make anyone who actually cared about what their finished product would look like cringe. And trust me, it’s not just the effects that show how little they cared about their movie. Outfits change from minute to minute with no one seeming to notice, actresses are covered in blood one minute then completely clean the next, and the zombies either shamble aimlessly or cartwheel around like poorly dressed ninjas. Hell, even the sets are horribly put together. The original Star Trek was cutting edge technology next to what this piece of shit put out. It was humorous watching the aforementioned well of souls, a stone well that is thousands of years old, move dramatically every time someone touched it. Just shoddy crap.

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{In fact, I think I actually saw this guy on Star Trek}

Then there is the horrendous acting by these so called actors. I expect better than this from porn stars. Yes, this film is filled with a cast of popular Japanese porn stars, porn stars who must have just gotten done filming a marathon porn session because they didn’t seem to have the energy to act worth a damn for Big Tits Zombies. I honestly can’t believe anyone could call themselves actors after having participated in this massive piece of garbage. Do not expect even one single, half decent actor, they are all terrible. It’s bad enough that the characters are terribly written trash, solely there to either die or flash their tits, but the poor acting just makes it worse. I’ve seen some lazy acting but this might just take the cake. When as a guy you find yourself groaning at a woman’s bare chest each time a shirt comes off because you know it was only used to pull in the adolescent male viewer you know something is wrong.

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{What the film makers hoped would happen to adolescent boys everywhere}

This is one of the worst zombie films I’ve ever seen. I’ll admit that on the English dubbed version it seemed like they might have tried to do a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 type thing and make it humorous but after watching the subtitled version I couldn’t get though another five minutes of this film, so I didn’t watch that version all the way through. Yes, this movie is that bad. If you’re going to try and watch it anyway, watch the dubbed version, maybe you’ll get a laugh or two that way.

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: Takao Nakano (Sexual Parasite: Killer Pussy, Sumo Vixens)

Starring: Sora Aoi (Torso, Revenge: A Love Story, Risa Kasumi (There Is a Lie in Every Woman, Tokyo Train Girls 2: Supervixen), Maria Sakurai (Lust in Hell: Edge of the World, Lust in Hell 2: Farewells)

Released By: Concept Film and Total Media Corporation

Release Type: Limited Theatrical Release

Release Year: 2010

MPAA Rating: Not Rated

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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