Zombeavers

BZ1

When a container of medical waste finds its way to a beaver dam, the buck toothed mammals are turned into flesh hungry fiends.

Never been much of a beaver fan myself. I guess they’re cute and all to a point, but look at those teeth. Those things weren’t designed just for chopping wood but for fucking up anyone that gets on a beaver’s bad side. Make one wrong move inside the beaver’s urine designated territory and you’ll be lucky to walk away with both your legs intact. The pearly whites were the creation of nature having a bad dream about taking care of her teeth. Sure you could say that there are other creatures that either exist or have existed in the past with teeth way worse than a beaver’s but none that look as terrifying if you ask me. Give me a saber toothed tiger to fight any day over a fucking beaver. I’d rather be stabbed repeatedly than gnawed on slowly…and I just figured out why people don’t like zombies that much. I promise to chew quicker.

We begin with Joseph and Luke (played hilariously by Bill Burr and John Mayer) having a less than normal conversation as they transport medical waste to an unstated destination. The truck slams into a deer and one of the barrels containing waste falls off and rolls into a nearby river where it floats to a stop near a beaver dam, spraying the beavers as it comes to rest. Next we are introduced to three of the bitchiest women I’ve seen on screen who are taking one of their member on a trip to the woods so that she can escape the pain of being cheated on. Unfortunately the plan is ruined when the boyfriends (including the one with an infidelity problem) show up at the cabin unexpectedly. Worse yet, a nasty looking beaver somehow finds its way into the bathroom where it is beaten down and left for dead in a bag outside. This isn’t your normal type of beaver though, something that becomes apparent when the group finds the bag empty and bloody beaver tracks leading away. Despite this ominous sight and the even more ominous looking beaver dam nearby, they all laugh it off and go swimming. You can imagine what happens next (Zombie Beaver Super Attack!!!!). They end up trapped on a dock in the middle of the water, only escaping by throwing a dog into the river. Well, escape might not be the best word to use since their cruel canine sacrifice only allows them a trip to their cabin. A cabin made entirely of wood. I could be wrong but wood doesn’t seem to be too much of a problem for a beaver.

BZ5

{I also learned from subtitles that beavers apparently coo when in the water}

For the love of all that is holy why the fucking dog? Kill the young, kill the old, kill the infirm, kill anything you want, but leave the dog alone you heartless bastards. I think that was the most horrific part in the movie for me, watching the guy grab the poor little dog and throw him into the water where he is devoured by the zombified beavers. I can tell you that I would have most certainly thrown the asshole into the beaver pack right after he threw in the dog. Yes, my priorities are a little messed up. The annoying humans can die at any time, just not the dog.

BZ2

{Kill everyone on that dock just spare the dog}

Yes, that’s one of the worst things about this film, the horrible characters. They are just absolutely awful people, and not in a way you could forgive but in a way that made you wish for their death from the very start. I will say they do have some humorous dialogue (particularly the guy screaming out “I feel like a Power Ranger” during sex), but the dialogue just isn’t enough to make up for how easily they get on your nerves. I don’t think it was necessarily the result of bad actors since the actors seemed to be owning the roles they were given, the characters were simply horribly written. I get that they wanted them to be your typical, arrogant college kids, but they were so annoying that it was impossible to like any of them. The only characters I can say I enjoyed were the truck drivers from the beginning, Luke (Bill Burr) and Joseph (John Mayer) but they sadly don’t have much time in the film. What time they did have was great though and had me cracking up with their unusual conversations about where it was appropriate to shit and why gay dating might just be better than straight dating.

BZ6

{I wanted everyone but Luke and Joseph to end up gnawed on}

I really wanted to like the effects for this because they actually took the time to create animatronic beavers instead of going CGI. The problem was that they didn’t always look right when they were used. There were times the beavers looked great, but often times their motions were jerky and unnatural causing you to focus on how they were acting instead of how they looked. Their design is interesting and different from anything I’ve seen before, and I don’t think that physically they look bad. They were good on the design aspect of it, but I wish they had spent more time in working out the kinks in how they moved. This would have been a monumentally better film had they moved a little more fluidly. As much as I applaud them for trying to work with practical effects I just wish they would have put more work into their machines.

BZ3

{You know you want to love on the little guy}

Still, this isn’t a completely atrocious film. The story is a combination of creature feature meets zombies that has a very 80’s feel to it, and it’s bound to make you a little nostalgic if you grew up with 80’s horror. It won’t be anything that’s going to blow you away by a long shot, but it was a good one time watch.

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: Jordan Rubin

Starring: Rachel Melvin (Boo, Dumb and Dumber To), Cortney Palm (Silent Night, Sushi Girl), and Lexi Atkins (The Boy Next Door, Turtle)

Released By: Freestyle Digital Media, Armory Films, and BenderSpink

Release Year: 2014

Release Type: Theatrical Release

MPAA Rating: Rated R

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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