Jason X

F101

After being frozen for a few hundred years, Jason Voorhees is ready to get back to business…only this time, he’ll be doing his thing in space.

I told Jason not to do this movie. I begged him to find some other outlet for his never ending rage; I pleaded with the guy to walk away from one of these movies just this once. He’s always done such a great job keeping his anger in check; you’d never guess from his demeanor that he’s so full of unbridled hatred but trust me, the man needs some anger management classes, being in space didn’t seem like it was going to do the control he does show any justice. He does a great job of looking calm and cool while he murders those around him. I knew, I just knew, that if he went ahead with this Science Fiction crossover he was going to regret it, that his anger was just going to be a joke after watching him tear apart a ship Captain Kirk would have had nothing to do with. I’m pretty sure history has proven me right.

Our film begins with Jason locked up in a secret research facility. It turns out that all those movies discussing Jason’s paranormal nature were full of shit, Jason can just heal really fast (think of him as Wolverine from The X-Men, just with a machete instead of claws) and the U.S government wants this ability for their soldiers. While they prepare to transport him to a new location, Jason does what Jason does and breaks out, killing every occupant inside save one, Dr. Rowan, the only person that didn’t agree with the killer’s treatment. The doctor manages to trick Jason into a cryogenic pod where he is turned into a Voorhees Popsicle, but not before he manages to spear her through the pod’s cover, turning the whole room into a cryogenic storage area. Fast forward a few hundred years and the Earth is an unlivable wasteland where treasure hunters search for important historical artifacts like Michael Jackson CDs, Twilight books, and old B movies. A professor and his students head planet side for some research (read cash) and discover the very same research station where Jason and his last victim are still frozen. After a quick look-over it turns out that both are capable of being revived so the pair are brought back to the professor’s spaceship along with a few other valuable items. Once onboard, Jason and Rowan are thawed, but while the doc needs to be healed by the crew, Jason doesn’t need their help thanks to his mutant powers. Rowan tries to warn the professor of the eminent danger posed by Crystal Lake’s most well-known celebrity but the professor can’t see past the money signs in his eyes and decides to keep his new prize. Can you guess where it goes from here?

F105

{Hint, Hint}

I have to say, the first half of this movie is pretty good…the first time you see it anyway. See, the first time you see Jason X the movie has one thing going for it, it’s funny. I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be funny but judging by how ridiculous it is, I’m going to say that’s what they were going for. At this point in the franchise, I’m guessing someone just said “You know what…fuck it, let’s just make this thing funny”. It works for the first half but quickly becomes annoying. The first time I watched this flick I was laughing my ass off for that half, then the humor grew old and realized this movie sucked. Still, though the movie sucked, at least I liked the first half due to its hilarious nature. That’s got to count for something right? The answer is that no, it doesn’t. I watched this movie again before doing the review and all I can say is that this movie is fucking horrible. While I may have laughed that very first time, while watching it this time the only thing I could think of was “When is this ridiculous movie going to end.” The first time I saw it the comedy was enough to keep me interested through the first half of the movie but after that, it degenerated into absurd and dumb. The second time I watched it the hilariousness was gone but the annoyance was still there, it’s a dumb movie. Why? Well I’m glad you asked.

F107

{Is it normal to get turned on standing next to a frozen serial killer}

This movie is a cartoon featuring Jason in space, think Looney Toons, but with Bugs Bunny as a homicidal maniac (which, I always kind of thought he was anyway). I’m not going to say no other Jason flick had cartoonish aspects to it or anything that wasn’t overly ridiculous (I’m sure we all remember part 9’s little gremlin version of Jason that no longer makes sense given his new mutant power) but this one is absolutely the worst. There is scene after scene that only press home the point, the ship’s android Kay-Em (a female android) attempting to get nipples stuck on to her fake tits only to find out they won’t stay, the drug loving teenage character who constantly acts like Shaggy from Scooby Doo, or even Jason’s full head of hair that makes him look like a crazed hippie. In fact, now that I’m thinking of Scooby Doo, I could absolutely see this as an “adult” episode of the beloved cartoon. Then again, that might be an insult to Scooby Doo because lord knows Fred and the gang had more personality than most of the characters in this flick.  The movie sucks on so many levels but the awful and annoying characters are easily the worst thing about it.  They are just so terrible.

F106

{Kay-Em might be the worst android I’ve seen since…nope, she’s one of the absolute worst}

As bad as this flick is, there are a few things that make it bearable (after watching it for the first time). One is the effects which really aren’t too bad, I’d even go as far as saying they’re actually pretty good. The death scenes are done well and the effects add to how fun they are to watch. I won’t go as far as saying they’re great but if there’s one aspect the filmmakers put real work into it’s the effects. The three other things are fairly dumb but still gave me a big smile even upon a second watch.

  1. The ship in Jason X has a holo-deck (you know, the thing in Star Trek that gives you a realistic simulation of anything you want and would in reality absolutely destroy civilization). It doesn’t have a huge part in the film but at the end Jason is tricked into entering a holographic version of Crystal Lake where two young women attempt to get the masked killer to smoke out and screw like test bunnies, crawling into their sleeping bags to entice him. This backfires when Jason instead beats the two sleeping bags against a tree, all while the two holograms laugh in mirth. This is a nod back to Part 7 where Jason kills a camper in much the same way. Though the take was frustrating for Kane Hodder it remains his favorite kill from his time as Voorhees.
  2. I know this is going to really piss off a few people but I loved Techno-Jason. If you haven’t seen the film, the ship’s crew uses nanotechnology to repair damage to the human body. After a scene in which Jason gets his ass kicked, he ends up lying on a malfunctioning nano-bot table where the table fixes him up better than new. During his ass beating Jason loses limbs, pieces of his head, and parts of his torso; in order to repair what’s missing, the nano-bots turn half of the guy into metal. Yeah, it’s cheesy, and yeah, it’s most definitely cartoonish, but I have to admit, it looked pretty cool.
  3. Lastly, there is the above mentioned bit about Jason getting a beat down. I wasn’t a fan of the android (the one that can’t keep her nipples attached) but when she goes Bruce Lee and karate kicks Jason to near oblivion, I couldn’t help but smile.

F103

{Jason gives a sleeping bag beat down}

F102

{Techno-Jason}

F104

{Jason gets his own beat down}

Still, even though there were a few things I like about Jason X, I can’t recommend anyone actually taking the time to watch it, it just isn’t worth it. I’d stop at Part 8 and just pretend you’ve seen the rest.

The Undead Review

 

Jason’s Kill Rate:

 

Unknown: 4 (16 Series Total)

Body Shield: 1

Earth Burn Up: 1

Chain Hook: 2

Cryogenic Face Smash: 1

Future Machete: 4

Broken in Half: 1

Head Crushed: 1 (6 Series Total)

Broken Neck: 1

Giant Drill: 2

Machete: 1 (17 Series Total)

Electrocution: 1 (3 Series Total)

Total Kills This Film: 20

Jason Total Kills: 136

Series Total Kills: 161

 

Directed By: James Isaac (Pig Hunt, The Horror Show)

Starring: Jonathan Potts (Resurrection, Devil), Lisa Ryder (Andromeda {TV Series}), Forever Night {TV Series}, Lexa Doig (Tactical Force, Andromeda {TV Series}), and Kane Hodder reprising his role as Jason

Released By: New Line Cinema and Crystal Lake Entertainment

Release Year: 2001

Release Type: Theatrical

MPAA Rating: Rated R

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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