Friday the 13th Part 9: Jason Goes to Hell

F91

When Jason Voorhees’s body is destroyed in an explosion his essence continues on in a quest to regain a new body.

There are few places as annoying as hell. I mean sure, you get to spend your time hanging out with some of the greats like Frank Sinatra, James Dean, Brad Knowles and a whole host of others (hint, most of the coolest men and women to ever walk the Earth are down there). Here’s the problem, there’s too damn many of them, and it’s not just people from our time but entertainers from throughout history. These are all people who craved never ending attention before they died and it didn’t end there, in hell they’re no different. That means that as you travel through the depths of Hades you have to deal with them constantly bugging you. It’s cool at first but it wears out quick. Still, it was fun to see Dean Martin being bitch slapped by Genghis Khan when he tried singing to the Warlord.

Our 9th installment of the Friday the 13th series finds a young woman getting ready to settle down for the night in her cozy rented cabin located near, you guessed it, Crystal Lake. Things go the way one would expect them to go and Jason shows up to murder the young lady for having the unmitigated gall to undress in front of a mirror. Unfortunately for the masked menace, said young lady is actually part of a special task force charged with hunting him down and finishing him off once and for all (because that hasn’t already been tried over and over again). She leads him into a clearing where over 30 agents open fire the minute he’s in range. Oh, and also, they drop a bomb on him because “Why the fuck not?” Jason’s scattered remains are collected and taken to the local morgue, but the big guy isn’t quite out for the count yet. Something of him has survived in his somehow still perfectly formed heart, something that compels the Medical Examiner on duty to eat it (come on, we’ve all been there). This turns the M.E. into a homicidal maniac who goes on his own Jason inspired rampage. We then change locations and are treated to the small town of Crystal Lake where the locals now live in perfect harmony…or something like that, at least until the thing that used to be Jason shows up to get a new body or two (he burns through the ones he “possesses” extremely fast). Enter bounty hunter Duke, a man intent on truly ending the career of Crystal Lake’s most famous resident. He knows the secret of why Jason is there, why he can’t be killed, and more importantly, that Jason has come back to find his long lost sister (yes, he has a sister in this one).

F97

{There’s also a magical knife in this one so him having a sister isn’t the worst thing}

So let’s see, they hung him, stabbed him, chopped him up, drowned him, and had him washed away in sewer water (something which had the unexplainable side effect of turning him into a little kid again), sure, why not make him a mother fucking (spoiler alert) imp. Yeah, it turns out that after all these years Jason is just a tiny little imp that has a thing for going through human orifices, and by orifices I mean either through a mouth or a vajayjay, presumably he would have traveled up someone’s ass at some point but he never got that far. I know this is a series that can no longer be taken seriously but really, an imp? I’m guessing they were trying to find a way to explain why he could come back over and over again but since most films in the series came up with their own reasoning (sometimes not much better than this one) it was lame and unnecessary to take it this far into ridiculousness. It’s like finding out Michael Meyers is really just a midget in a man costume. Of course since they didn’t seem to care about the rest of the movies it shouldn’t come as a surprise that they had little care for this one. This is the first Jason flick to completely ignore the events from previous films, making it a standalone film in the franchise. There is a comic book that is supposed to bridge the gaps between Parts 8 and 9 showing Jason’s trek from the Manhattan sewers back to Crystal Lake but going solely off of the movie most connections to the previous films are completely severed.

F95

{Not enough}

Let’s move on to Jason himself, he looks freaking ridiculous. I don’t know if he’s supposed to be dead, alive, or a genetic experiment gone wrong. Personally, I think someone sat down with their drunk six year old son and said “Tell me what you think Jason would look like”. He’s got these absurd ridges on his oversized head that I think are supposed to be his brain popping through his skull but the little tufts of hair sticking out of “brain” made me wonder. All in all, it looked like someone stuck a cheap Halloween mask on him and just left it at that. This is the most hilarious Jason will look in the entire franchise. Even Cyber Jason from the next film doesn’t look as bad as Jason does here. Then again, you really only see him for a tiny bit of the film so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much; for the most part he’s just whatever person he’s managed to inhabit.

F92

{…what the fuck…}

As you can guess from the whole imp thing, the story is dumb, really dumb, almost as dumb as making a movie based on a board game (I’m looking at you Battleship, Jumanji, you walk away from this one). Now, if it was just the fact that they turned Jason into a parasitic gargoyle with weird sexual fetishes I could probably, no, I would still hate this movie for it, but it actually gets worse. There are a few poorly done scenes (the worst of which is when the Medical Examiner eats Jason’s heart and is treated to an 80’s laser light show) and some dumb issue of family bonding that slow the film down every time it’s brought up. You do not, I repeat, do not want to slow this film down, this one you either turn off about 20 minutes in or barrel though because you have to write a review (see how much I care for the readers, I watched this for you). Instead we get these useless moments where the two estranged lovers realize how much they care, or stop to ponder how much their son means to them, or some other such BS that no one cares about. It’s a freaking Jason movie, stick with that.

F98

{Jason’s final form}

As much as I hate this movie there are two things that saved it from being worse than Part 5. The first is the character of Duke, as annoying as he gets his character was pretty cool. His being onscreen usually meant I was going to be somewhat entertained. The second thing was the effects, which are (as much as I hate to admit it) pretty damn good. Some of the deaths were done amazingly well and the body disintegrations were awesome. Body disintegrations you ask? See, every time Jason’s imp self (God I hate this movie) changes bodies, the body he was previously in melts into mush. The few times they show it, it was done very well.

F94

{At least Jason can take a punch}

Still, unless you’ve got a hard on for seeing people melt, there is nothing to see here. In skipping this one you will not be missing anything and since this one doesn’t have a connection with any of the other ones, it doesn’t even have to be included in a franchise collection.

The Undead Review

 

Jason’s Kill Rate:

 

Surgical Probe: 1

Fence Post: 1

Crushed Head: 6 (11 Series Total)

Scalpel: 1

Knife: 1 (8 Series Total)

Nose Shoved in Face: 1

Deep Fried: 1

Jaw Punched In: 1

Crushed Body: 1

Unknown: 8 (12 Series Total)

Body Poisoning/ Disintegration: 3

Jason Total Kills This Film: 25

Jason Total Kills: 116

Series Total Kills: 141

 

Directed By: Adam Marcus (Conspiracy, Let It Snow)

Starring: John D. LeMay (Friday the 13th The Series as Ryan Dallion, Without a Map), Kari Keegan (Mind Games, The Prince of Pennsylvania), Steven Williams (Route 666, Night Class), and Kane Hodder reprising his role as Jason.

Released By: New Line Cinema and Sean S. Cunningham Films

Release Year: 1993

Release Type: Theatrical Release

MPAA Rating: Rated R

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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