The Zombie Zoo – Interview with a Former Imprisoned Zombie

ME

So, during my review of the original Day of the Dead I brought up how every time the military and scientists team up around the undead bad things tend to happen to us. Then I mentioned that anyone whom the military picks up is never heard from again which lead me to the thought of how the fuck does anyone know what actually happens if no one has ever returned. For all I know they could take them to Disneyland every day or they could be places where the undead receive unlimited free alcohol and human flesh. I have no idea really. Anything could happen. This got me to really thinking about what actually goes on in these places, so I started asking around and managed to track someone down who knew a guy, who knew a guy, whose second cousin’s wife’s best friend could get in touch with someone who’d actually been to one of these places. To be honest it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I checked around though and this guy has really been to where ever it is they take zombies they nab off the street. I checked with the men in black who like to stop in on me from time to time, and, in the interest of keeping the integrity of my articles on the undead lifestyle intact, they have agreed to let me interview the guy. For the sake of keeping his name off record though we are just going to call him Bob.

The Undead Review: So Bob, I’m told you’ve been to the secret government facilities where they take the undead. Is that true?

Bob: Ye…yeah, that’s right.

The Undead Review: When were you picked up?

Bob: About eight years ago. I was on my way home from a meal and all of a sudden this van swerved out of nowhere, pulled up to me, threw open its doors, and dragged my inside.

The Undead Review: Wow, that must have been terrifying?

Bob: It was pretty horrible. I had no idea what was going on and no idea where they were taking me. We’ve all heard the stories of zombies being kidnapped and experimented on, but I had never believed them. I just thought they were stories older zombies told the younger ones to scare them. I still wish it had been nothing more than a story. I cannot accurately describe the sheer horror of it all.

The Undead Review: I’m so sorry that happened to you.

Bob: It’s okay.

The Undead Review: No, that’s not okay. We have our rights you know. I didn’t take part in the million zombie march for nothing.

Bob: You were in the million zombie march?

The Undead Review: Well, not quite, I had this thing going on that had nothing to with me just being really lazy and um…moving on. What happened when you got there?

Bob: They led me to a dark room where I was stripped down and cleaned with a high pressure hose. They all wore black hoods so I couldn’t ever see their faces. It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life.

The Undead Review: Did they ever tell you why this humiliation was so important, what its ultimate purpose was?

Bob: They would only say that I needed to be completely cleaned down, and that as a creature that preyed upon the innocent I should be thankful they didn’t just kill me right then and there. If I could have cried I think I would have done so then.

The Undead Review: Did you bring up the cow thing?

Bob: The cow thing?

The Undead Review: You know, that they eat cows, and cows are innocent, so really they are no better than us.

Bob: You actually use that argument?

The Undead Review: Why the hell wouldn’t I?

Bob: Well, it just seems a little bit different to compare…

The Undead Review: Who the hell is doing the interview here?

Bob: Um, you brought it up though. I was just…

The Undead Review: Okay fine, let’s just move past the cow argument. We were at you crying like a bitch, I’m sorry, you were at you crying.

Bob: Yes, well, after they cleaned me off they led me to a cell where they left me for what seemed like forever, only feeding me a small cube of pork every week or so. I don’t even know how long I was in there. Every day, they would come in and beat me for no reason I knew. It was…

The Undead Review: Wait, they only feed you once a week?

Bob: Um, yeah, once a week. After the beatings I just talked about, the pork once a week was all you could think of?

The Undead Review: I get hungry often. Kind of hungry now. Do you know of any good places around here where the living jog alone?

Bob: Maybe, but aren’t we doing an interview?

The Undead Review: Forgive a zombie for getting hungry. I forgot this was all about you and your poor problems with once a week pork.

Bob: Would you like me to go? I’m sorry if I offended…

The Undead Review: Fine, continue on with your story drama queen.

Bob: Anyways. After what seemed like months they finally took me out of my cell. I was lead to a lab where I was strapped down to a table. Then the experiments would begin, the horrible torturous experiments. After they were done, they led me back to my cell and left me there for a long time again. That was the process for years. Long amounts of time in my cell dealing with daily beatings, then being experimented on, then starting over again. I thought I was going to go mad.

The Undead Review: What kind of experiments?

Bob: All different kinds. Sometimes they’d cut as much off of me as they could without permanently damaging me, always taking it further and further. Other times they’d try out new medical techniques on me. Once they cut out both of my eyes and sent me through a maze to see if I would make it though in a set amount of time. It was a horrifying experience.

The Undead Review: Hey, the men in black have done all of that to me before. It’s such a pain in the ass isn’t it? Strange that I’ve never been where you have but I’ve had to still deal with the same stuff.

Bob: But it was worth it when it was all over.

The Undead Review: Say again.

Bob: It taught me how much I could survive without eating human flesh.

The Undead Review: The fuck you say?

Bob: They even promised me that if I promised to stop being such an asshole on my website they’d leave me be.

The Undead Review: Wait, you had a website too?

Bob: Um, I mean just stop being an asshole.

The Undead Review: No, you mentioned a website.

Bob: No I didn’t.

The Undead Review: It’s like five lines up there. Is that a wire?

Bob: Wire? You’re seeing things. It’s not like the men in black would pay me to say that where I had been was the same place they took you and not really a place where they freely give out free alcohol and human flesh….shit…

The Undead Review: You mother fucker….

{Next part edited out due to language that would make the most foul mouthed of sailors blush. Trust me, you really don’t want to hear this part. I don’t think I even know what half of those mean. This guy really needs to find religion or something.}

 

That son of a bitch. Can you believe that? He actually betrayed his own kind. I knew those places were really like that, and I was actually getting the raw deal. Well don’t worry, “Bob” will be spending quite a bit of time at a repair shop. Those men in black will sink to any level.

Anyways, I need to go blow off some steam now, so until next time this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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