There are few names in the world of horror that bring as much fear as the name Jason Voorhees. The at some times sack clothed, sometimes hockey masked, and sometimes rotting zombie Jason has terrorized the world for years, constantly finding new ways to scare new audiences (though some of these attempts have resulted in absolute hysterics, take Jason X for example, Jason in space…who didn‘t see that as being funny). Ever since the first installment of the Friday the 13th franchise where he popped out of a lake in an attempt to pull actress Adrienne King down to a murky death, fans have been craving more and more of the masked menace. The poor guy had to watch his own mother have her overly annoying head chopped off, and while I may have thought of this as a blessing were I him, it apparently had an entirely different effect on our titular hero….or whatever you want to call him. It took a second movie to engrain him in our hearts (some beating, some not), but he eventually found his way into our psyche as one of the most badass cats around. This zombie found himself with an opportune moment to sit down with the undead killer and discuss his life. The results were fascinating.
The Undead Review: So, tell me what it was like to actually watch your mother having her head chopped off?
The Undead Review: What was the actual motivation, beyond your mother’s death, to finish off those pesky and annoying camp counselors?
The Undead Review: Wow, this is really opening up some tough areas for you isn’t it Jason?
The Undead Review: Can you tell me what it was like to lose the one person in your life that truly mattered to you?
The Undead Review: Okay, we’re really getting somewhere now; I can definitely see why life was such a hell for you, but tell me, what was it about your life that bothered you the most?
The Undead Review: That is more than understandable my friend, I have my own share of bodies in the basement, so to speak…though mine tend to be freeze dried…don’t want any waste after all.
The Undead Review: Hahaha, you are so right there, how could they? Still, I don’t want our readers to get the wrong impression of you, what made you first decide to punish those camp counselors?
The Undead Review: You seem so coy today Mr. Voorhees, is there anything wrong?
The Undead Review: Are you sure?
The Undead Review: Okay, I have to be honest, I haven’t heard a single thing you’ve said this entire conversation. I’m not even sure if you’ve actually said a single thing this entire conversation. I’ve just been going on so I don’t look like a fool, but seriously, are you even answering my questions?
The Undead Review: Okay, now you’re absolutely making a fool of me. What the hell man?
The Undead Review: Seriously dude, that’s all you have for me? I come to you as a fellow zombie brother and that’s what I get? You give me the cold shoulder? That’s just wrong; give me something here, anything at all. You’re the most notorious killer in Crystal Lake history; you have to have some kind of insight on life.
The Undead Review: That is so fucked up man, that’s beyond fucked up, you are such a jerk you gorilla %#^@&&*@ piece of *&%*&% dog %#@# &5&^#$&. Yeah, that’s right I said it, I went there.
The Undead Review: What’s it going to take man? I have to get something out of you, anything at all. Just give me something, just a scrap of how you feel. What do you feel keeps you from achieving the success you desire so much? Why do you think the most useless and ignorant board in the U.S., the MPAA, still has control over what rating a movie receives before it ends up in theaters? Is it just me or does horror director Eli Roth have too much of an attachment to the testicular area of Quentin Tarantino? Do you think the decisions of President Obama were the right decisions to make? Anything….
Jason: Not a fan of Eli Roth.
You heard it here first loyal fans, Jason Voorhees apparently doesn’t much care for the antics of Mr. Roth, but then again, who really does. Join us in the coming weeks as we review some of the best and worst moments in Jason’s long and bloody history. Sure, we’re in the Year of the Undead and Jason Voorhees isn’t always a zombie. That’s very true, but he does become a zombie eventually, also a little gremlin thing in the ninth movie, and I can’t do a few movies in a franchise without doing them all. Just my OCD playing out.
Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.