The Haunted World of El Superbeasto

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In this Rob Zombie comic turned film, wrestler/detective El Superbeasto must stop the nefarious plans of Dr. Satan before he gains enough power to enslave the world.

Rob Zombie is one of those name drops that people love to use, even if he does only have a 50/50 success ratio (that’s being generous considering his only good film was The Devil’s Rejects, everything else sucked fat diseased monkey balls, really, really, really diseased monkey balls). I don’t think I can accurately express how much I think Rob Zombie sucks as a director of film. I like his music, White Zombie is one of my favorite bands, but the man just sucks as a film director. Personally, I’m pretty offended by the guy’s name too. I actually thought the dude was a member of the living dead at first, but discovered differently upon investigation that it’s just a name for him. There isn’t a single bit of coagulated blood in his veins, his heart still beats, and he doesn’t have to spend the ridiculous amount of money on skin cream to keep him looking more or less normal (well, the last one I’m not so sure about). Can you believe that guy actually pretends to be a zombie, who the hell does that…

Our cartoon movie starts off with the titular character of El Superbeasto filming a porno before all hell breaks loose and his costars start turning into monsters. After El Suberbeasto finishes up with his wet dream gone wrong we get to meet Suzi X (along with her super horny robot Murray, by the way Suzi X is voiced by his ultra annoying wife who he just can’t help but cast in every single one of his movies), who is busy stealing Hitler’s head while ESB (it’s easier than constantly typing El Superbeasto over and over again) is busy getting drunk and trying to convince the Bride of Frankenstein to go home with him before moving onto a girl who happens to be the bride of Satan. Enter Dr. Satan (not the actual Satan, there is just a lot of people with Satan in their title I guess), a maniacal scientist intent on marrying the bride of Satan in order to gain supreme power over the entire world. He sends his ape sidekick to kidnap the girl, who is about to give herself completely (and I mean completely) to ESB. This sends ESB into frenzy mode as he grabs Suzi X and her randy robot, together the three attempt to save the bride of Satan. What follows is ninety minutes of bad jokes and more eighties references than a John Hughes documentary.

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{Hahaha, Rob Zombie can’t make jokes without recycling his old characters, that’s funny right…right?}

What can I say that’s not going to piss off a bunch of rabid Rob Zombie fans? Oh wait, I forgot I don’t really care who I piss off as long as I’m speaking the truth. Not that I enjoy pissing people off (well maybe just a little), I’m just an honest zombie trying to save the horror fan from watching a garbage flick…err cartoon. There really isn’t anything here that would make the average person want to watch this, unless of course you’re not yet sick of hearing Sherri Moon Zombie’s annoying voice (fuck that bitch is so fucking annoying). This isn’t necessarily a film for the Year of the Undead either to be honest, but it did feature a world in which the undead are an accepted part of life (even if they are alcoholic assholes whose ineptitude is only matched by how poorly they’re portrayed), so I figured I’d give it a look, really wish I had ignored the whole fucking stink fest.

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{Well, at least I got to get sexually excited by a cartoon….oh wait, I have a sex life in the real world. I’m sure Mr. Zombie is ecstatic for those that don’t though}

For the first fifteen minutes I really thought I was going to enjoy this movie, then the spliff I’d smoked an hour before putting the movie on wore off. That pretty much sums up the movie right there, unless you’re completely wasted or stoned off your ass, this movie gets old fast. The never ending jokes wear off quickly, becoming more annoying than anything else after only the aforementioned fifteen minutes, and what’s worse is you won’t go thirty seconds without hearing some lame joke or another. Not only that but most of this movie rips off Ren and Stimpy unapologetically, it was like Rob Zombie took a page from Carlos Mencia when he sat down to make this one. The story is nearly nonexistent, the dialogue is terrible (and I mean really terrible), and the movie loses its fizzle with in the first fifteen minutes. All signs of a movie unworthy of even being viewed once.

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{What I wish someone was doing to me while I watched the film.  A slow death would have been more worthwhile than watching this piece of shit}

If there is one good thing I could say about this movie, it would only be that the animation is well drawn, even if it does steal its style from Ren and Stimpy. It’s not going to blow anyone away, it doesn’t really have any new style, nor is it original in any way but it still looks good so I can’t complain about the artists. I still won’t recommend that anyone watch this cartoon joke, but it should be mentioned that the only people who managed to do their job right were the artists.

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{I’m guessing the Superbeasto character represents Rob Zombie’s embarrassment in having made this piece of shit}

Like I said before, there really isn’t anything here to draw the audience in and I think most people are going to pop the thing out of their DVD player and use it for a coaster. If you’re really in the mood for a Rob Zombie movie, go out and rent The Devil’s Rejects, you’ll still have to listen to Sherri Moon’s annoying voice but at least the movie’s good.

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: Rob Zombie (House of a Thousand Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects)

Starring: Paul Giamatti (Lady in the Water, The Illusionist), Tom Papa (Bee Movie, The Life Coach), and of course because Mr. Zombie can’t go without putting her in his films Sherri Moon Zombie (every movie Rob Zombie has ever done).

Released By: Anchor Bay Entertainment and Carbunkle Cartoons

Release Year: 2009

Release Type: Straight to Video

MPAA Rating: Rated R

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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