Zombie Zoo – Undead Repair Shops

ME

I’m going to start this week’s article with a very simple statement: I love me some hospital time. Not undead hospitals mind you, but those frequented by the living and trust me, I’m not the only zombie who thinks so. Now before you go grabbing the nearest shotgun and heading out to defend the sick and healing, we don’t go there to feed. You meatsacks think the worst of my kind, just because we use you as sustenance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t trust us, actually that’s probably a pretty good reason not to trust us on your part; I’m sure cows would think the same thing if they could, you know, think. No, we do pretty well without having to devour the infirm, just take a look at the picture below:

ZZ (12)1

{Seems the Scooby Doo approach of pretending to be a statue really does work when running from angry humans}

Does that look like a starving zombie to you? On the contrary it looks like a zombie who eats just a tad bit (or a lot bit) too much. I don’t need a hospital bed to serve as a dinner plate, besides, sterile food just grosses me out; places are way too clean for my tastes. I’m not going to say it doesn’t happen, I’ve talked to many a zombie who’s either eaten at a hospital or knows one who has, it’s just generally frowned upon as it’s way too easy, might give us a bad name and all. The undead go to hospitals for an entirely different reason, recruitment. Hospitals are an awesome location to swell the ranks of the undead, not to mention if you’re a little bored, listening to the crazy talk from doped up patients will cure that boredom right away.

Now that I’ve got human hospitals out of the way let’s get to the meat of the article, zombie hospitals. After spending a good amount of time there myself lately getting put back together like the fucking Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz it seemed appropriate. By the way, I mean the real Wizard of Oz movie not that piece of shit that came out recently and proved Mila Kunis couldn’t act her way out of a cardboard box…though why anyone should have to act their way out of a cardboard box is beyond me. Speaking of the original movie (yes, I know it’s based on a book but flying monkeys are just such visual characters, even if we never get to actually see them fling poo at each other…you know it happened as well as I do), anyone ever notice the brutality present on their march to get the witch’s broom. Look at the weapons, Lion’s got a net and a bug sprayer, the Tin Woodsman has a giant wrench and an axe, and Scarecrow has a big stick and a fucking gun. Their plan seems to go as follows, have the Lion trap and then poison her while the Scarecrow pokes her with his stick in a taunting fashion, then have the Woodsman beat her to death with his giant wrench (seriously, what else does he have an oversized wrench for). Just to make sure she’s not coming back Scarecrow’s going to shoot her a few times and since I’m assuming murder isn’t legal in the “happy” land of Oz, Woodsman is going to step back in and use his axe to chop her into little pieces therefore making the body easier to dispose of. All while I’m sure Dorothy cheers them on and laughs manically. Oz is a pretty fucked up place.

Anyhow, after going off on a completely unnecessary tangent about the gangland violence of Oz let’s get back to the point…zombie hospitals. First of all, no zombie actually calls them hospitals, we call them repair shops. A hospital is where you go to heal up and for a zombie there is no such thing as healing up, we’re dead, you don’t heal from that shit, unless you’re a zombie in Warm Bodies and I still don’t understand exactly how that worked. We go there to get repairs to our damaged bodies, bodies which are far too susceptible to damage. There are products out there specifically for the undead meant for small repairs, products such as coverall (a cream that mimics realistic skin tones, helps you blend in), fleshy tack (a putty to help fill chucks that may have gotten ripped out, happens a lot when feeding), and super glue (literally just super glue, nothing special about it) but for major repairs a repair shop is going to be the only option. They have specialists who train for years just like human doctors, in fact many of them were already doctors before they turned (gotta love hospital recruitment).

They’re easy enough to find, one just has to go to the nearest Zombie Union Hall (if you’re still among the living I wouldn’t recommend trying yourself, you will be eaten…friendly warning). Remember those? We talked about them a few articles back. You don’t? Am I just talking to myself here? Fine, I’ll wait a minute while you study up.

Done? Okay, let’s continue then. When a zombie gets damaged to the point a simple fix won’t solve the problem then a trip to a repair shop is in order. A repair shop can take care of all kinds of problems but most of them take a high degree of skill to accomplish and thanks to advances in modern medicine that you meatsacks thought only helped you out we undead are much better equipped to handle these problems now a days then we were years ago. I hate to think what it must have been like for zombies of old. If they got messed up, say lost a limb, the solution was to nail the damn thing back on and hope it didn’t fall off. It didn’t work at all but at least you could still feel like it was there. Today a zombie repair shop can take you in a near wreck and spit you out almost brand new, like you’d just crawled out of the grave. There are three major injuries a repair shop fixes:

  • Limb Amputation:

It is all too common for a zombie to lose a limb or two on his journeys and how he or she lost that limb is what determines how much it can be fixed. Let’s say it was something similar to what happened during my beat down. None of my limbs were actually removed but one entire arm and half of a leg were so badly damaged that they were useless to me. Let’s use my arm as the example. Since I don’t heal, the shattered bones made my arm a limp noodle that could never be used again. This isn’t really a problem for a repair shop. What they do is cut the arm off, find an intact arm that is more or less fresh and spend days reattaching the bone, muscle, and nerves until it works again. How is this possible? Well through a process leading scientist call “Fuck if we know” properly reattached limbs will respond to commands from the brain. It takes a couple of weeks to fully set after being reattached and you’ll still always have a nasty scar where it was amputated but at least you’ll have a working arm or leg again. This same process also works if the limb was clean cut from a crazed human wielding a machete. If however the damage was too extensive, say from a shotgun blast or being ripped right off, it’s much harder to fix and often the zombie will have to deal with having the use of said limb taken from them. I want you to think about that the next time you try and “disarm” a ghoul.

  • Flesh gouging:

In the course of our undead wanderings there sometimes comes an occasion or two where such a large chunk of flesh is ripped out that fleshy tack just can’t fix the problem. We call this flesh gouging and it once again usually involves a shotgun blast, either that or a crowbar attack (it’s crazy the damage you can do with a crowbar, apparently they’re not just for breaking and entering anymore). I’ll use my recent experience as an example again. When those damn Transylvanian peasants attacked me one was carrying a mace. Personally, I was unaware that people still carried those things around but this son of a bitch sure did. One good whack and a large piece of my midsection was ripped right out. The fix for this is really pretty simple and it involves a zombie patented product, Filicone. Filicone is a mixture of recently deceased flesh (usually left over from an uneaten meal) and a thick silicone gel. The mixture is packed into the torn out area and formed to the shape of what’s missing before being covered in skin and allowed to bond. What about skin you ask? This lead to the third most common reason for repair shop trips.

  • Skin Grafts:

I have never asked and I don’t want to really know the answer but for some reason we have a ton of human skin packed in ice and stored for our use. It even weirds me out. It’s not like zombies are healthy eaters, we don’t peel the skin like it was KFC or something so I’ve not a clue where all that skin comes from but I’m also not going to complain that we have it because I’ve found myself in need of a skin graft more times than I can count. It’s usually done after fixing a gouging incident but sometimes we just need a little touchup and go get it done for vanity reasons (yes, zombies can be quite vain too, it’s just our perception of beauty can be a little off). For the most part we’ll just use coverall to keep us looking good as it helps stick any loose skin we have hanging on back where it goes in addition to its other properties but sometimes there is just too much hanging off and we need a good graft to correct the problem. Repair specialist will simply attach the piece of skin where it needs to go, cut around the edges, and sew the thing in there like they were patching a blanket. It takes a week or so but eventually the new skin bonds to our semi rotted flesh and all looks normal as normal can be for a walking dead guy.

 

It’s not that there isn’t more than three types of procedures done at a repair center those are just the more common ones. If I had to add a fourth it would most likely be fixing broken ribs which usually involves just using Filicone to set the broken bone. I owe my charming good looks to those lovely repair specialist. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for them, I mean I’d still be here I’d just be much worse for wear I guess. My only complaint, the food. Next time I end up stuck in one of those places for a while I’m asking a friend to bring me dinner because they give you very little and what they do give you taste like White Castle.

Unfortunately (well fortunately for me) I’m one of the lucky ones. Some zombies get so damaged that there is nothing a specialist can do for them. I feel sorry for the poor bastards but at least they have our union dues to support them, the same ones that pay for our repairs. What union dues? You didn’t reread the goddamn Zombie Union article did you?

Well that’s it for me folks. I’m pretty sure I’m going to get a least a little bit of an ass kicking for talking about zombie fix’em products. I can already see the living now trying to find them, like we really need prices going up after a skyrocketing demand in sales from humans. Can’t bitch when it’s my own damn fault though, just another example of the zombie love you people get from me, consider yourselves lucky. Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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