I’ve been gone for a bit, and it feels like ages since I’ve been able to ramble on about the world of the undead, and by ramble I of course mean bitch and moan about film and life while taking any and all available chances to insult the living (and the occasional vampire because, you know, fuck those guys). It’s good to be home again, and there is no better home than here at Undead Review. There is a saying among the living “Home is where the heart is”; zombies have a similar saying “Eat that whose heart still beats”. Okay, so maybe they’re really not that similar but they do both have the word heart in it, that’s got to count for something right. Did you miss me while I was gone? Aww shucks, you’re going to make me blush. I missed you too, well, mainly I missed my meals, you’d think they’d feed you a little bit more while you’re in the repair shop, or at least bring you a few live humans to munch on, but they don’t. They bring you little chunks of flesh that I swear to Cthulhu are synthetic, and you can complain all you want, but if there is one thing the undead excel at besides eating the living, annoying the living, trash talking the living, and, well basically being generally shitty to the living, it’s doing the exact same thing to each other. Why was I in the repair shop? What could possibly have happened to your favorite zombie that he had to leave you hanging for a week? Well, it’s actually kind of a funny story…depending on how you look at it.
A week back, right before disappearing, I got a little bored here in the American Midwest and decided to take a trip. Now, there are hundreds of places around the world that cater to creatures of the night, zombies included. Did you ever see that kid’s movie Hotel Transylvania, the one where Dracula’s daughter wants to bang, I mean “get to know,” a human and all kinds of shenanigans ensue because the Lord of the Night doesn’t want to acknowledge his little girl’s all grown up? You haven’t? Good, I refuse to watch the movie myself due to its negative portrayal of zombies. They’re basically dumb slaves at the beck and call of a vampire who’s about as threatening as the ones from Twilight. Personally I find it offensive, lifeist, and downright antagonizing. Zombiekind tried to have the movie pulled from theatres but nobody likes to listen to a group who won’t go through a half an hour discussion without biting somebody. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that the movie is based somewhat on reality. Since you haven’t seen it (again, good on you for joining in on our protest of this film), aside from the unspecified sexual tension between the Daughter of the Night and a dopey human backpacker, the main plot concerns a getaway retreat for werewolves, witches, bigfeet, undead creatures of all sorts (Frankenstein, mummies, ghosts), and a whole host of things that go bump in the night. A place where they can go and enjoy a vacation without having to worry about humans bugging them, which they are for some reason terrified of even though they have the ability to tear them apart in exactly 3.5 seconds.
Those places actually exist with at least one in every country in the world. There are however a few exceptions such as:
- Zombies aren’t slaves nor are any of the creatures that work there, everyone employed gets paid just like a real job. I’ve worked at a few of these places to earn some extra cash before and was always treated very nice. There are of course exceptions as some vampires are major assholes and have a whole host of thralls (hypnotized humans) they use so they don’t have to worry about paying anyone, but those are rare.
- No one goes to these retreats because they’re scared of humanity as most of the creatures there could easily kill a human. They go there because sometimes it’s more relaxing to be around your own kind than people who are going to do everything in their damndest to end your existence.
- Everything is usually pretty modern since it’s the goddamned 21st Everyone seems to think monster = old timey. Not so much. We prefer the modern conveniences of life just like everyone else. Not to say there aren’t castles that serve as retreats, it’s just that things have been updated.
There are a few other differences that I could get into, but most of the rest are little things, such as what the meals there really consist of and trust me, you don’t want to know. They are nice little places to go and relax from the everyday stress of trying to eat the living and every zombie I know tries to take a trip to one as often as they can. The thing is, when it came time for me to take a trip I realized that out of the few I’d gone to, even though they were all located in different spots around the world, they were all mostly the same.
I decided I wanted to do something a little different, go on a real vacation just like the living do, but I had to find a place to go where I could blend in with the crowd, somewhere a person like me could very easily enjoy themselves without having to worry about the living bugging the crap out of me, maybe even somewhere I could grab a bite to eat without the local P.D. putting together a posse to bash in my skull. I had the perfect place in mind, Transylvania, more specifically, the famed Dracula’s castle. I know what you’re thinking “Why fly halfway around the world to look at a decrepit vampire castle when I could just strike up a conversation with a few vamps right here?” First of all, Dracula’s Castle isn’t a vampire castle. Vlad the Impaler has been dead and buried for hundreds of years. The guy was simply a cruel ruler (or a great leader depending upon who you ask) and never a vampire. You know who was? Bram Stoker. That’s right, the author who wrote Dracula was himself a blood draining fiend. He simply heard the old legends on a trip to the castle himself, added some things from his own life, and BAM, you’ve got one of the quintessential vampire books of the last few hundred years. Second, a lot of goth kids made the trip there all the time, so I figured I wouldn’t bug the locals any more than they do. Lastly, I was entirely under the impression that the locals were backwards peasants stuck in the past. How wrong I was.
I got to spend all of one night before I made my tragic mistake. See, the locals aren’t quite as backwards as movies have led us to believe. They’re actually pretty smart, they just play the part because they make a lot of money on stupid tourists coming to check out the legend for themselves. They were so used to people believing them to be dumb that they just keep up appearances in order to make as much money as possible from those who visit. There is also something else they’ve had to get used to, hundreds of vampires visiting the area as well. Newly turned vamps haven’t yet learned that the fictional Dracula never really existed so they feel some need to go spend some time on a soul searching journey to the place of their master, not realizing they don’t have a master. While there (again, believing the townsfolk to be dumb, superstitious morons) the newborn vamps like to feed. This has led to a constant vigil by the people of Transylvania who watch out for any and all vampires, something they’ve gotten very good at over the years. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t know any of that. I had no idea they were so worried about vampires trying to feed on them that there was no way a clumsy zombie was going to get by unnoticed.
That first night, after spending the day exploring the castle, which I must say is a gorgeous place and if you’re a history buff it’s a must visit, I found myself starving. I decided to go off and bite the first person I saw, which in this case happened to be a young woman walking alone through a narrow path in the woods. Little did I know this was a trap set up just to catch some vampire dumb enough to try and wet his appetite. I got within three or four feet of her before more men than I could count jumped out and began beating the living (or unliving) hell out of me. It took them four tries at staking me in the heart before they realized I wasn’t a fucking vampire (and yes, I was incredibly offended they confused me with one of those assholes). After some debate among them, none of which I could understand, and a few more good kicks in the ribs they seemed to lose interest in me and went off to presumably hunt down real vampires. Luckily for me, my cell phone was intact (Transylvania gets amazing cell service) and I happen to have contacts all over the world. A quick call to them and I was picked up and taken somewhere I could be repaired (you can’t really say healed when you’re a zombie). As for my attackers, well, let’s just say I ate well on my trip back stateside. Come on, you think I wasn’t going to be getting some much needed revenge? Zombie ninjas are god’s gift to the undead.
The rest is history, spent some time healing up, eating very little, before walking out of there all fixed up and ready to go. My first act out, writing this of course. That’s how much undead love you get from me, I wrote this before even finding my next victim, which has left me famished, so if you don’t mind, I think it’s time for me to eat now.
Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.