Night of the Living Dead 3D

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When the reanimated dead pour out of the local mortuary, a group of the living must survive the night in a nearby farmhouse. 3D remake of the Romero classic.

I wonder how often George A. Romero and the rest of the crew that worked on the original Night of the Living Dead kick themselves for not locking down the rights to the film’s title and plot. I imagine it’s anytime some other film pops out of the woodworks with the same name and makes its way to a crew member’s desk. I know I’d be kicking myself, especially considering some of the garbage clones of the film out there with the title Night of the Living Dead. See, before 1989 you had to include a copyright notice with your film or it was assumed to be public domain. When Romero and gang made Night of the Living Dead back in 1968 they forgot to include the copyright notice when they distributed the film and the movie became public domain. Thanks to that tiny mistake we’ve a whole host of god awful knock offs that deserve to be collectively placed in a massive container and set aflame while the filmmakers themselves are placed in front of a firing squad. Am I being a bit harsh? I don’t think so, not after having to watch dozens of pieces of shit like Night of the Living Dead 3D. Trust me, making a film 3D isn’t going to save it from being the cinematic equivalent of a massive pile of dog turds.

 

Our 3D shit fest begins when Barb and John take a trip to their aunt’s funeral at the request of a mother John can’t seem to stand. Neither is very happy to make the trip (especially John, played by Bill Mosley in what might possibly be one of his worst roles) but their unhappiness turns into a shared tension when they arrive at the funeral to find the cemetery abandoned and their aunt’s coffin sitting unattended. While this is strange enough, stranger still is when the coffin begins rocking back and forth and a few shambling, aggressive people come at the pair. John sprints to his car and drives off, leaving a terrified Barb behind to run in the opposite direction where she comes to a mortuary with a priest being devoured and mortician Gerald Tovar Jr. (Sid Haig) fighting off reanimated corpses. It appears that Tovar has been storing corpses he was supposed to cremate next to an unknown chemical agent that has started bringing them back to life with a hunger for the living. Heeding Tovar’s warnings to escape Barb takes off only to be attacked by a couple more zombies. She is saved by motorcycle riding Ben who apparently has such strong forearms that he need only clothesline a zombie to incapacitate it. Ben grabs Barb and the two ride off to the Cooper farmhouse where Ben’s friend Henry and his family grow weed away from prying eyes. While no one initially believes her (they all think she was watching the same movie they happen to be watching, Night of the Living Dead, I’m sure the writers thought they were extremely clever there) they have no choice but to accept her story when the dead begin attacking the house. It takes a minute of two for everything to sink in but they decide that Barb must be right and everyone rallies behind old Henry to come together and survive the night as the dead come ever closer to having a seven person meal.

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{This is why I avoid funerals}

3D has become such an annoyance over the years. It was always a gimmick, but I can remember a time where it was an interesting little addition to the odd film here and there. It wasn’t very prevalent in a lot of films, just a little treat that would pop up from time to time, generally in horror movies. I was always excited to see a 3D movie as a kid, now the minute I see the mention of 3D in a flick I just have to role my eyes and sigh. It’s pretty much come down to studios simply making a 3D version of a movie so they can earn a few extra bucks. The films aren’t even made for 3D, it just gets shoehorned in there. Say what you will about some of the old school cheese fests from a few decades ago but at least they were made specifically for 3D. Did it make it a little difficult to rewatch them in a regular format? Sure, but the experience of seeing it in 3D firsthand was worth it. Nowadays it’s not worth it in the slightest to bother with a 3D movie. Since the film hasn’t been made specifically for 3D it’s almost disconcerting to see it that way as you can tell it shouldn’t be in 3D. That was something that made me a little excited about Night of the Living Dead 3D, not only did it have Sid Haig in it but it was made to be viewed in 3D. Silly me, I should have known a generic copy of Night of the Living Dead was going to be shit.

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{He’s handing you the 3D joint because being high is the only way you could possibly enjoy this film}

I’m almost unsure where to start but I guess the story would be a good place. This isn’t a complete carbon copy of the original, more like a reimagining. Usually that’s a good thing considering many of us don’t want to watch an exact update of a classic film, here, not so much. It uses the original film as a template and then shits all over it. It was like taking your mom’s recipe for chicken fried steak and deciding to update the recipe by marinating the steak in motor oil first. The entire thing was disjointed and poorly put together. My description of the plot is a little rearranged from what you’d actually watch but I wanted you to be able to actually understand what you were reading versus the movie where you’ll have to constantly try and put it together in your head. Then there were a lot of things thrown into the story that were just outright stupid. Things such as how why they can’t use their cell phones (because in this day and age you have to explain why cell phones can’t be used in a horror movie), apparently Henry Cooper is overly paranoid and doesn’t allow them in his home. Of course, that wouldn’t matter because Henry won’t let anyone use the one phone he has regardless as he’s too worried about the cops finding his weed. The living dead are murdering his family and he’s worried about the cops? Then there’s that stupid zombie clothesline scene. I know I already mentioned it, but I cannot describe just how much I hated that part. It was completely ridiculous. Ben comes at the zombie on his motorcycle at all of ten miles an hour and is able to stop the zombie by knocking it over with his arm. This was proceeded by Barb freaking out when she tries to call her brother John only to get the ominous response “Coming for you Barb.” Why would she freak out? We as the audience understand the text but all she should think was that her brother was coming to get her. This whole movie was poorly written and abused a love of the original to lure fans into watching it. Even the dialogue for our character was badly written, making you wish they would all shut their mouths so you wouldn’t have to listen. Then again, with actors this bad, good dialogue wouldn’t have mattered.

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{At least Rule 34 gets a head start}

The acting may have been what disappointed me the most. No, wait, that would have been the effects, but the acting came fairly close. Usually I attribute this to actors that didn’t care about their roles or got lazy with the movie. I don’t think that was the case with this movie. They did seem to care about the movie. I say this because they had energy with their roles instead of just going through the motions, so I don’t know if the characters were just poorly written along with everything else or if the actors just suck as actors. I’m leaning toward the first option because I know how bad everything else was written. With the story and the dialogue being so badly written it wouldn’t surprise me in the least to find out the characters were as well. Another thing that leads me to believe it had to do with the writing was Sid Haig. I love Sid Haig but he was awful in this movie, as was Bill Mosely but he’s only in the film for all of five minutes. This is easily Haig’s worst film and his performance was just awful. I don’t want to call out the others as I can’t say for sure they’re all terrible actors (though I’m sure at least some of them were), but I will say that their performances here are terrible and it makes all the characters extremely unlikable.

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{If only this could have happened to every character in the very beginning, the movie would have been ten times better}

Now let’s talk about the zombies and what passes for effects. The zombies are awful, not just in how they look but how they act. They came across less as undead and more as drunken cripples. Judging by how bad everything else in the movie is I can easily see the director yelling at his zombie actors “Give me drunk! We need more drunk from you assholes!!” At least that’s how it plays in my head. Could be the actors portraying zombies simply couldn’t play zombies as well. Either way, they looked terrible. I’ve bought zombie makeup kits for five bucks that did a better job. Not to mention the gore and deaths. They came across even worse. At least with the makeup they tried to do something, with the effects they gave everything to a computer expert, handed him a hundred dollar bill and a bottle of whiskey, and told him to give the best he could. What comes out is easily some of the worst effects to be done via CGI. I can’t stand CGI blood anyways, but it looked really bad here.

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{I think Sid Haig might be CGI}

Out of the many, many Night of the Living Dead clones this is absolutely one of the worst and deserves its spot at the bottom of the trash bin.

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: Jeff Broadstreet (Sex Bomb, Night of the Living Dead 3D: Reanimation)

Starring: Brianna Brown (The Lost Tribe, Timber Falls), Joshua DesRoches (Nomad the Beginning, Vicki), Greg Travis (The Possession Experiment), and Sig Haig (The Devil’s Rejects, Little Big Top)

Released By: Lions Gate Films, Horrorworks, and The Lux Digital Pictures

Release Year: 2006

Release Type: Straight to Video

MPAA Rating: Rated R

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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