This may surprise some but your favorite undead reviewer is actually the son of a preacher. That’s right, yours truly grew up in a religious family where church was a mandatory part of Sunday morning. Personally, I always thought that sleeping in was of greater importance than church, but dad felt otherwise, and no amount of complaining from myself or my younger brother could change his mind. When you’re a preacher’s kid you find every stupid little thing you can do to piss of the church’s congregation, from little things like hiding in the chapel and removing all the “Do Not Remove” stickers from the hymnals to bigger things like pretending you’re possessed by the devil in the middle of service. Then there was the one time that a tiny, little fire got started in the bathroom and people started throwing around words like “arsonist” and “devil’s spawn” and “someone get an exorcist in here before he murders someone.” I’m not saying I had anything to do with any fire related incidents just that if you’re going to bring a kid with a penchant for occasionally burning things into a church, don’t leave him alone with the candles and matches. What I may or may not have been responsible for aside, I was pleasantly surprised at my dad’s acceptance when I became a member of the living dead. I kind of expected a quick shot to the head, or at the very least a couple of Bibles and crosses thrown at me, but he was pretty cool about it. Actually, his whole congregation was decent about my reanimation. They even invited me to come back anytime I wanted. Not being much of the church going type I politely declined, but it was nice of them to invite me none the less. There’s still some questions surrounding the fire incident, but my being dead doesn’t seem to bother them in the slightest. They do want their “Do Not Remove” stickers back though.
Yes, it’s that time of the week again when I disclose the ins and outs of being a zombie. I’m here this time here to discuss the finer points of what it’s like to be a religious zombie. I made a brief mention in my review of REC 3 about zombies who still went to church and I figured I ought to take the time to elaborate. Now, I’m not going to go into any specific religions or religious leanings because I’m not that much of an asshole, and whatever you believe is what you believe. It’s not my place to say who’s wrong and who’s right, especially considering I have no fucking clue what happens after you die. You get asked questions about what’s on the other side all the time when you’re a zombie, at least from people you aren’t eating. How the hell would I know? I didn’t stay dead so it’s as much a mystery to me as it is to you. What reanimation is like is a conversation for another day, for now suffice it to say that you basically pass out as a living human and wake up as a zombie. Simple as that. For this article I will most likely call places of worship church, but that could refer to a mosque, a temple, or a synagogue. I’m not playing favorites, just used to calling religious gathering places churches. So when I’m discussing religion in this article, I’m referring to all religions, not just a single one. Alright, now that that’s out of the way and I’ve made sure no one whines about being left out, how about we get on with things?
The first thing you have to understand is that if you were a religious person before joining the ranks of the undead, there’s a good chance you’ll be a religious person when you reanimate. Not everyone retains their faith of course, some people are very disillusioned once they don’t find themselves in whatever afterlife they figured they’d wake up in upon death. These zombies tend to walk away from any beliefs they may have previously held and embrace a life without religion instead. I can’t say I really blame them, I can see where not going to a place you dedicated your life to reaching would be a huge disappointment, but damn it if they don’t get on your nerves. Have you ever met that atheist who is just as fanatical in their lack of a belief as some religious people are in the correctness of theirs? You know the type, they berate anyone who believes in a god, preaching to you about how enlightened they are to have moved past silly superstitions while not realizing that they’re just as bad as that Christian who screams at you about going to hell. That’s pretty much the way these religiously disillusioned zombies act. They never shut up about how dumb religious zombies are for still believing and it gets old quick. I get that they’re angry, I might be to in their circumstance too, but leave it be. If someone wants to believe, let them believe. Just as no one has the right to tell another what they should believe, no one has the right to tell them they shouldn’t believe either. Many religious people though tend to retain their religious beliefs once they’ve been zombified. Whatever religion they followed before death, they seem to follow after death as well. They simply find that their new form of existence is a step along the way toward wherever they’re heading.
A good question often is asked is how the religious zombie justifies eating a living human when it seems like that would go against their religion. It comes down to a simple thing, survival is survival. Most of the living don’t mind ending the life of an animal in order to get their food, even if said animal is intelligent. It’s the same with us, our food just happens to be a bit more intelligent is all, well, depending on whose being eaten anyway. Sure, some of my more religious brothers and sisters might feel some guilt in consuming the flesh of the living, some even go so far as to stick to eating pigs (though this isn’t an option for all of them), but the hunger is damn near all-consuming and there’s not much denying its call. I don’t get the guilt myself. I guess I might feel a little guiltier if you living meatsacks didn’t taste so great. When was the last time you felt guilty about eating a bag of Funyuns (calorie count aside)?
The hardest part for any religious zombie is church. Not all churches are accepting of the undead and many will out right try and end you if you walk inside. If you walk into the wrong church and are lucky you’ll only get a bunch of people shoving the cross in your face and trying to force the devil out of you. If you’re not so lucky, someone’s putting a bullet in your skull and that’s that. There is a common misconception that the undead can’t stand on holy ground. Not true at all. We’re perfectly able to go inside a church, holy water doesn’t bother us in the slightest, and crosses aren’t going to burn us. I’m not sure where this rumor first started but it’s completely untrue. There are many zombies that attend some kind of a church, it’s just a pain to find one that will actually accept a zombie. I feel bad for a lot of those poor dead guys who have to go from church to church, risking true death at each one, until they find the right place. I don’t know what these churches are so worried about, zombies attending church almost never bite anyone while there. I won’t say it never happens, but it’s so rare as to be almost miniscule. Why don’t we build churches that cater to the undead then? Fire, that’s why. Of all the places zombies choose to congregate no place has seen more attacks than zombie churches. We used to have them hundreds of years ago, but they would be attacked and burnt to the ground more often than not so the undead changed things up to trying to find places of worship that would accept them instead of giving the living a chance to take out a whole group of zombies at once. The price of having to deal with some of you freaking lifeist, sad, just so very sad.
So do I belong to any religious group myself? I know you want to ask. I have my own beliefs but don’t feel it’s proper to discuss them here. I’m not writing an autobiography after all, not yet anyway, and when I do write the autobiography I’m going to need material. I’ll save it for then, or possibly a reality TV series on Tru TV. Lord knows they’ll put anything on the air. Look, all I’m trying to impart with this article is that if you happen to be the church going type and a zombie walks in, don’t try and chase them off or end them. They aren’t going to hurt you, they’re not possessed by the devil, and they don’t want to start a religious feeding frenzy. Just say hi to them and let them worship just the same as you.
Anyhow, that’s about all I’ve got for this week. I think I’ve waxed spiritual for as long as I can at this point. Join us next week when I discuss the fun of St. Patrick’s Day for your average zombie. Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.
The Undead Review