The zombie American Dream is actually surprisingly similar to the living’s idea of the American Dream. We want the white picket fence, we want the wife (or husband), we want the two kids…well, I don’t, kids annoy the hell out of me, but others do…we want the small little dog, and, above all, a nice unending supply of human flesh. Yeah, that last one is the major difference between the dreams of the living and the dreams of the dead. There are, of coure, variations of that dream among the undead, just as there are among the living. For instance, I don’t want the kids, and I already have the dog (who I’m convinced is out saving the world while I sleep) and I’m happy with that. I’m also not so big on the wife thing (had one while alive, not sure I want to go there again, besides, I have an awesome girlfriend, why do I need a wife too…) but the white picket fence does sound nice, if only because a white picket fence is usually surrounding a very nice house and not the overcrowded hell hole I call an apartment building. My dream of a pig farm, white picket fence included obviously, probably isn’t going to happen anytime soon though (you have your dreams, I have mine), so I’ve since lowered my dream to just having my dog and a house. Undead dogs are kind hard to come by, so I’ll stick with the one I’ve got, beyond happy there…though I am seriously positive he undertakes secret government missions when I’m not looking, just a feeling I get. All I need is the house and I’m set, hell, I’d take a brown picket fence at this point.
Yes, it’s your favorite undead reviewer back again to offer up the benefits and disadvantages of an undead family. I was one of the lucky ones myself, pretty much my entire family ended up turned when I did, with just a few exceptions. See, when the horde came to my part of town back when I was among the living, we were having a little block party. Most of my family ended up with just a few bites, some turning later on in the evening (we were a day attack) while others turned then and there. Before you knew it, there were a bunch of pissed of Taylors, a group that was already combative before death, walking around as starving dead guys and gals, complaining about the neighborhood as they ate it…literally the entire neighborhood. If it helps, my family is comprised mostly of fat people (yes, fat, don’t you dare say obese you fuckers), myself included. Only difference is, since we’re already outside the realm of human acceptance, we really don’t care if it bothers you, not to mention a horde of fat zombies is way scarier than that of skinny zombies. We look like we just ate, regardless of whether or not that eating was a year ago or just last week, while the skinny ones look like they haven’t eaten in months regardless of whether or not they just ate a few minutes ago so can’t quite ever tell if we’re hungry which makes us a bit more unpredictable. It would be kind of funny if it weren’t so…no, it’s funny. Anyways, we’re all big undead people (almost said obese, that term still disgusts me, just say fat, it sounds better, obese sounds like I’m dying of something and since I can’t die, fat works better), all of us having been lovers of the culinary arts during our lifetimes, and that means we’ve got more room to stuff your flesh down our gullets now that we’re dead.
Anyways, undead weight problems not being the subject of this week’s Zombie Zoo, let’s get on with the actual subject, zombie family life. Now there are three main types of zombie families lives: the ones where the entire family has become zombified, the ones where only certain family members have become zombified, and the ones where only one family member has become zombified. Let me discuss the finer points of a few of those different family types.
The zombie families where every member is among the undead are both the rarest and the easiest to manage. The family gets together a whole lot better when each and every member is a ravenous, flesh hungry ghoul. There are far less disagreements about how the family should act, well, other than the occasional argument about who to eat, and no one has to worry about if someone is going to get a little bitey from time to time. Family gatherings are a disgusting mess though, you should see the flesh and blood fly. I might be a messy eater, but at least I have my standards. It’s disgusting to watch them eat. Have you ever seen Shark Week on Discovery Channel? Who am I kidding, everyone watches Shark Week, ancient tribes living deep in the Amazon watch Shark Wek. Okay, you know those scenes where a whole mess of sharks go crazy over a kill? Now picture that, except switch out the sharks with zombies and the dead fish or whatever with a human corpse and you’ve got the zombie family eating together. I was going to tell you to picture them around the table instead of in the water, but the thought of a group of zombies swimming like sharks around a human body amused me too much. I think I just gave Shark Week their next big hit. I went to one undead family gathering and I left pretty damn quick, there was no way I was hanging around that. I’m not even sure how they don’t bite pieces off of each other in their feeding frenzy over a human body, but at least they all get along, for the most part. The one downside to an entire zombified family is that there sometimes tends to be some bitterness. Most fully zombified families didn’t start out that way, they usually start out with a half and half ratio and end up completely turned thanks to undead family members who can’t keep their teeth to themselves. Slowly but surely the entire family ends up zombified. It doesn’t always happen, there are plenty of families that can survive the half and half ratio, but some aren’t so lucky. This usually leaves more than a few bitter family members, but they manage to get over it when it’s feeding time.
The most common type of zombie family is where a family has one, two, of maybe three at most member of the living dead among them. Well, it’s not really a family so much, but this would be the most common type of family a zombie is a member of. It’s also usually the saddest type of family a zombie has to be a part of since most often the family simply kicks the undead member out and then shuns him. It’s like turning away from an Amish family except the shunned member wants to eat the rest of his family. Sometimes the zombified family member might get lucky enough to have a few family members that were zombified with him which makes the shunning easier but again, that’s if they’re lucky. Now, that’s not to say that every family shuns an undead member, I’ve met plenty of zombies who are the only walking corpses in their families but are still welcome and accepted. It’s just not as common as the shunning. Can’t say I always blame the families though, some of those completely zombified families mentioned above started out with just one zombie. He or she bit one member, that member then bit another, those few members bit others, and so on and so forth. Personally, I don’t see the problem, I prefer being undead, but I know the living members of my family prefer to stay among the living themselves so whatever.
Yes, yours truly is part of a zombie family that has both living and undead members. My family type is the second most common, not nearly as prevalent as the single zombie family, but nowhere near as rare as the fully zombified family. Family’s that are mixed usually find themselves in a 50/50 ratio, though it can vary. For instance, my family is more 75/25 favoring the zombie side. These family types aren’t always as happy as the fully zombified ones, you can expect a lot of in fighting, some serious morality arguments on the undead lifestyle, and the occasional zombie trying to bite someone, but isn’t that all families. Sometimes these families can morph into a full zombie fully depending on the self-control of the zombified members or if there is a strong matriarchal figure. It has to be matriarchal too, a mom or a grandma just knows how to keeps under control. Not to say patriarchal lead families always fall apart, just the female lead ones to a better job. For instance, in my family it’s mom that makes sure we don’t all end up undead. You have never seen anything back down so quickly until you’ve seen mom slap a zombie in the face with a newspaper and then tell it how disappointed she is. How do you think she survived the initial attack? These zombies didn’t even know her and still felt terrible when she tore into them about their poor manners. I’ve never seen a newspaper work so effectively as a weapon in anyone else’s hands before or since.
Well that’s about it for this week’s zombie zoo. I’m sure I’m getting a newspaper smack or two for bringing mom into an article, so I need to find a place to hide out for a bit. Until next time, this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.