Zombie Zoo – Zombie Dating 2

ME

Okay, so after the last piece I was asked a lot about what it would be like to date alternate creatures among the undead. It’s kind of strange but I was thinking of talking about these things anyways. It can get weird but it’s still and interesting subject. All things considered, it’s odd but still workable. I lucked out in dating a living human but that doesn’t happen often.

Yes, here we are for part 2 of zombie dating, this time here to discuss some of the “alternate” choices available to a zombie wanting to get into the dating world. I’m going to tell you this one time and one time only, should you choose to date outside of your zombie brothers and sisters the consequences are entirely on you. I’ve gone out with zombies, vampires, werewolves, and even the occasional nymph, so I know the horror stories personally, but I’ve also learned enough in my travels as a rotting ghoul to realize that others have had even worse experiences in these circumstances. We’ve already gone over dating other zombies so let’s looks into the fun, and not so fun, bits about dating this world’s other creatures.

Vampires are by far the most fun to date; they have absolutely no moral compass what so ever and it can make for one hell of a night. The highest paid rock stars in history have never partied as hard as the lowest of vampires and you’ll end up doing something absolutely wild (and usually pretty idiotic) before the night is done. To put it into perspective, a vampire’s rap sheet (were one to actually ever be caught) would be twice as long and three times as disturbing as the worst mob bosses in history. I mean vamps just go nuts when they’re out and about, and I have to say it’s pretty fun. The only downside is that a vampire will sometimes forget that your rotten body can only move so fast while they can race up a twenty story building in a matter of seconds, and because of that ridiculous speed the occasional zombie ends up having an arm or two ripped off.

That’s not the worst thing about vampires though (arms can be reattached after all), the worst thing is that a vamp or two always shows up for one of our parties and they just fuck up any zombie’s game, male or female. I’m not going to lie, I have ditched a good looking ghoul or two in my time at the sight of a sexy creature of the night, on the other side of that, I’ve also been ditched midsentence by chicks who see one of those cape toting assholes and take off running, like anyone really thinks the cape looks cool. It went out of style years ago and for good reasons too, get the hint. Still, they’ll march in looking like a Dracula reject and the girls just swoon. At least the vampiras of the world just dress in skimpy dresses that leave little to the imagination, much better than the capes their male counterparts wear. Oh well, at least werewolves aren’t stealing our women (yes, I know female vamps steal all the men as well…what can I say, I can be a hypocrite).

Dating a werewolf is really going to depend on what you’re okay with. If you’re into the whole furry thing, just wait till they turn and move in for some very hairy romance (that was lame I know…I’m keeping it anyway), but you should be aware, in their human state they have normal human intelligence, in their werewolf state they really only have slightly more intelligence than a dog. That means that you could end up a torn apart mess by the end of the night and should you manage to survive being ripped to shreds, there is really only so much repair work the Union can do for you. All I’m saying is, think about whether or not your sick fantasy (I’m sick, I mean really sick, but the furry sex thing just weirds me the fuck out) is worth spending you unlife as an invalid. When they’re human, it’s a different story, they still tend to be a little hairier than a normal human, but the wild long hair on their women looks damn hot in my opinion. Plus, knowing they have to spend three days a month as an unnatural monster tends to make them want to fully enjoy the times they have control of their mind, and there still tends to be a little bit of the animal left in them (definitely fun for those alone times).

I know I mentioned Bigfeet (yes, that is the plural…don’t argue) showing up at undead parties in the last article, but no one in their right mind would date something that smells that bad, hippies smell better than Bigfeet and zombies won’t even touch hippies, so any wild ancient ancestor to the human race that wanders in is going to be shit out of luck as far as catching a date. Well, that’s not entirely true, but you really don’t want the picture of an eight foot tall primitive hominid making out with a fully turned werewolf. Oh wait, I just kinda gave it to you didn’t I…sorry about that. I have very little remorse and even I feel bad about that, just be grateful you’ve never had to actually witness it, or what sometimes comes next. If I have to describe more than that you are probably too young to be reading this or were educated in a private Baptist school were Sex Ed consisted of a thirty minute lecture titled “Don’t Do It”.

I could really go on and on about what to do and what not to do when it comes to hooking up with what you humans like to call “the supernatural”. What, it doesn’t seem so super to us and it’s way beyond natural so it just seems like a bad term…never mind, I just got it. Oh, I did say something about Nymphs toward the beginning of this piece didn’t I? I’m not sure what I can really say about them here. I’ll try but I have a feeling editing is going to kill most of this. They are sex starved psychotics and it doesn’t take much to talk them into a back room where they will **** **** **** and proceed to ***** *** ***** thing down ***** throat while you ***** ** ******. I mean you have never felt the ***** of a ***** **** ***** while she **** *** ***** ***** of your **** into *** *****. After that it’s just a matter of ******** their ****** *** and ***** to town on *** ******* ****** ***** you have never ******* before ***** and *****. It’s pretty wild.

Damn it, I knew that wasn’t going to make it, freaking ideas of morality. That’s about all I got for this week. Tune in next week, same bat channel, same bat time, or something like that, when we go into the mechanics of a zombie’s family life. Until next time, this if your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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