What was it I was supposed to talk about again? You’ll have to forgive me, but coming from last night’s Valentine’s Day festivities, I’m a little wore out. I forget sometimes how much energy the living still have, much more than yours truly, that’s for sure. Still, I promised I was going to talk about something, I just can’t remember what the hell it was. Oh that’s right, I was going to talk about what it’s like to date in the zombie world. Now, for the sake of this article I’ll be talking about the typical zombie dating experience. Your favorite zombie happens to be lucky enough to have found a woman among the living, but that’s a very rare experience. Most of the undead are lucky to ever find love period, let alone love among the living, so you won’t see many a zombie dating a living human. To be honest, even most of my experiences with dating a human have turned out disastrous, so I’d given up on the idea entirely. I only found the love of my life in fact because I was hungry and she looked like a tasty meal. I ended up talking to her instead, one thing lead to another, and now I can’t deal with an unlife that doesn’t have her in it. So again, my experience is very rare, and if I’m going to do an in depth article on zombie dating, I’m going to have to do it in a way that doesn’t reflect my recent experience, but the experiences of zombies in general when it comes to dating. Just don’t show this to her, I don’t feel like getting my ass kicked later.
Now, as a member of the living dead there is basically only one type of person you’re going to be dating, other members of the living dead. Occasionally (and with the right application of Zombie Cover All) a zombie can fool a living partner into a couple of dates but trust me, it never ends well. Cover All doesn’t last very long and requires multiple applications, for those who haven’t heard of the product, it’s zombie makeup that can keep us looking more or less normal…for a while anyways. You have to constantly excuse yourself in order to make sure you still look human, and if you don’t, well…it is far from fun having your date notice the little bit of green showing through the flesh toned makeup you accidentally wiped away. There’s always screams and shouts and someone ends up being eaten, usually the date, and don’t even think for a moment they’re going to want anything to do with you if you leave enough flesh on them for the change. In fact, if you happen to be a straight male ghoul (yes, if you’re gay in life, you’re gay in death, the only difference is zombies don’t judge other zombies, we’re all the same on the inside…namely, dead) I would recommend that you make damn sure your date is dead and not coming back should you happen to bite her. I’ve seen too many damn times where some poor sap of a ghoul ends up feeling sorry for his date AFTER biting her (personally I think that sympathy would be better used BEFORE biting her but that’s just me) only to have the newly reanimated woman screech like a banshee upon reawakening. I have seen nonfunctional tear ducts working overtime after one of these verbal assaults. I thought it was kind of funny myself but my undead brother did not, so if you’re going to bite your date, either have the spine to eat enough of them that dental remains will have to identify the body, or be prepared to move as fast as your rotten legs will carry you. If you happen to be undead and of the female variety, don’t worry, your dates will still end up either eaten or turned, but male zombies seem to think the cold shoulder is a better insult. It isn’t, but they’ll just get up and walk away regardless.
With the fun of inter-creature romance put to bed (no pun intended), the staple of your dating life is going to be of the undead variety. Sure, newbies love trying their luck with the living, but several horrible experiences later these same zombies will turn to the dead dating pool for a better chance (this includes the rare vampire every now and again but that’s a whole nother story). Now, there are basically only two places to go if you’re looking for a little undead companionship, an undead union hall or an undead thrown party. Where you choose to go in your undead life is going to depend on one simple question: Are you looking to take a zombie date out for the normal dinner and a movie experience (dinner here being a quick stroll through the park for an unwary jogger) or are you looking to get your zombie freak on? Before we go any further, yes zombies can partake in the horizontal mambo, the mechanics for doing such are just a little different but that is most definitely a discussion for another day.
Union halls are a little more formal and there’s this whole etiquette thing that’s kind of a pain in the ass, but if you just want a nice evening out with a good looking corpse that’s the place to go. You basically show up, do a little mingling (all as a proper gentleman, thus the pain in the ass part), and hopefully find someone to go see the latest theatrical disaster with, this is followed by some stalking and flesh rending, then you each part ways and go back to your undead lives. Some zombies will try going out with the same partner twice, but it’s kind of pointless. The last thing any zombie wants is a relationship, a date here and there sure, but never anything long term, so if you happen to be a ghoul you might as well go after as much variety as possible. While even this asshole will check out the halls every now and again, the parties are by far my favorite place to go. Zombie parties throw out all the BS etiquette from the union halls and go straight for the crotch, that’s right, if you’re undead and looking to get laid, a zombie party is going to be for you. And please, for the love of God, do not attempt to pick up zombies while they are in a group of the living, that’s a good way to end up missing a limb. Zombies don’t get along very well when they are surrounded by the living, probably the paranoid effects of knowing a shotgun blast to the face is always just a step away, but if you’re in a place surrounded by only creatures of the night, that fear isn’t there. Of course, it could just be we don’t like competition when it comes to food and at a place where there are no humans we don’t have to worry about food, sure, there’s always the rare werewolf or Bigfoot that shows up to our parties, but as bad as they smell there is no way in hell any self-respecting zombie would be putting that flesh in his or her mouth. I’d rather try and munch on the asshole vamps that show up, and they always do, but we’ll get into that in Part 2 – Zombie Dating Alternatives.
For now, I think I’m going to go look for a good party and pray no vampires happen to show up, a werewolf or two, sure, but please no vampires. And yes, of course I’ll be taking my girlfriend with me. Watching her go for the eyes when a zombie starts hitting on me is worth more than the best movie. So until next time, this is you unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.