Hide and Creep

HC1

What’s worse than roaming hordes of zombies, the threat of imminent invasion by an alien race and a crazy government agent ready to kill any who stand in his way? Only one thing could possibly be any worse, bad television reception ruining one of the biggest games of the year.

You know I’m not sure exactly what aliens have to do with the undead, but I’ve seen it brought up more than once. I don’t think aliens really like us zombies to be honest. They make all kinds of snooty comments whenever they’re around at least, so I’ve always just kind of assumed that the small grey creatures with the anal probing fetishes didn’t like us very much. As if they have any room to be talking any kind of shit towards the undead what with their “let’s shove things up human asses and see what we can find” kind of logic. At least you won’t see many zombies trying the same kind of anal shenanigans (most, there are a few sickos that we won’t get into discussing). Outside of movies like Hide and Creep I don’t think any self-respecting alien would be caught dead hanging out with any one of us, but hey, their loss, it’s not like they’re good conversationalist anyways (every conversation comes down to “Hey, what do you think this would tell about a person if you shoved it up their ass).

Our movie of the night starts off in a video store where our poor clerk is being assaulted by calls about the living dead. It seems everyone in this small Southern town expects the guy at the video store to know everything there is to know when it comes to the undead. It is through these little bits of dialogue that we learn the town has been paid recent visits from outer space, and the common theory happens to be that these extraterrestrial visitors are bringing the dead back to life for some nefarious purpose. As our beleaguered clerk passes out for the night (in the video store I might add), we switch to morning and a group of men preparing for hunting practice (after watching some early morning porno of course because what is hunting without porno). When the cable goes out they send one of the men to go check on the cord, but the man doesn’t come back so the rest of the group go to check on him only to find the poor hunter being savagely torn apart by zombies. This is only the begging of a massive city wide epidemic that soon takes over, leaving very few alive, among them the video clerk, a few hunters, one former sheriff, and a naked man that swears to have been abducted by aliens before this whole thing began. As communication shuts down (leaving several members of the group pissed off about missing a baseball game) the group must come together to survive the zombie apocalypse or end up food for the masses.

HC2

{I’d be pissed if I was interrupted watching my porn too}

This is the type of movie that should thank its lucky stars that not only does comedy exist, but that, if well written, it can tone down the rampant problems screwing up the rest of a film. The movie is funny, in fact it’s really funny and I’ll give them that, but any praise ends there. The effects are terrible, the acting is awful, and the story just barley works. The one saving grace to this film is that the dialogue is so well written I found myself in stitches nearly every time the characters conversed. Whether it’s the video store clerk’s annoyance that zombies are ruining his day, the hunter’s constant jesting, or the zombies being afraid of the dark, the laughter doesn’t stop for most of the film. There’s almost no point in going deep into everything else that is wrong with this movie since it’s damn near every single thing. The effects are fucking god awful and not even close to anything decent, not a single actor in Hide and Creep seemed to fully grasp the concept of acting (even with the great dialogue), and the story moves from stupid to dumb to back to stupid. Literally the one thing that this movie does right is that it’s very funny and it will have you laughing a great deal despite all its many, many, many other problems. I’m not sure how someone can make such a funny movie, a movie that could have been great, and absolutely fuck up almost the entire film. I can’t help but think that with just a little bit more effort Hide and Creep could have been so much more than the bomb it was.

 HC3

{Post It Notes have never been used so well}

In the end, if you want to see this flick you’re going to have to make certain compromises. If you’re willing to get through how much of the film is broken you might be able to stomach it, but if you’re tired of comedic zombie movies then just walk away, you won’t find anything else here. I’m not going to suggest it myself because I honestly can’t recommend a movie that is so fucked up in almost every way but manages to get one aspect right, not when I feel that someone just got lazy at one point during filmmaking and decided to do as little possible to make the film what it should have been. It’s damn near unforgivable to do one thing so right and everything else so wrong. This is a very funny movie but as fucked up as everything else is I can’t say go check it out. I’ll leave this one up to you.

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: Chuck Hartsell (Josiah, Transfers) and Chance Shirley (Interplanetary, Josiah)

Starring: Barry Austin (Straws and the Radio, Alice’s Misadventures in Wonderland), Kyle Holman (The Whore That Wouldn’t Die, Elvis’ Grave), and Chris Garrison (Alice’s Misadventures in Wonderland, Deadly Squids from Beyond Saturn)

Released By: Crewless Productions and The Asylum

Release Year: 2004

Release Type: Straight to Video

MPAA Rating: Rated R

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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