Night of the Living Dead: Reanimated

NOTLDR1

What happens when a bunch of lazy people get together to create a homage to the original Night of the Living Dead? The answer. The worst travesty to happen to zombie films since…well actually no, this is simply the worst thing done to zombie movies period.

This film was so bad I have already sent a letter of complaint to the Zombie Union asking them to investigate possible crimes against the undead, which I fully believe this film qualifies for, hell, this film qualifies for U.N. sanctions. Why are people so worried about Iran when stuff like Night of the Living Dead: Reanimated is being put forth to the public? Let Iran have their nukes but please for the love of all that is holy (or unholy, depending upon what’s your thing) let us please come together to make sure the world never again has to suffer such a horrible film. The power of horror compels you. I always knew it would be horror movies that brought the world together (or broke it apart).

This so called “film” (I don’t even like calling it that, bad joke seems more appropriate) is basically a mockery of George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead. It isn’t a movie at all, let’s get that out of the way first, this is in no way a real movie, it’s a pathetic attempt to cash in on Night of the Living Dead’s success (even if none of them were paid cash I’m sure they were all hoping to paid in fame). So what is this mockery of a classic all about? Let me explain, and I’ll warn you, it actually sounds pretty cool when described. That’s why I watched it because I honestly thought it was going to be cool, sadly that’s not the case. This “film” takes the original movie and tries to make a new one that is completely based on the original. The dialogue is exactly the same, they use the original voice and sound tracks, and all the scenes that they redo are taken straight from the original movie, so it’s like watching the original flick again in a different way. The new scenes are split up between a varying group of animators, artists, and complete assholes that redo the scenes with the original dialogue intact. So, for instance you might have an animated sequence one moment, a Claymation sequence the next, and some weird multi colored version of the original scene it’s portraying after that. That’s what it is, a play by play of the original substituting recreated scenes for their originals, and it is lamer than all hell.

See what I mean, it sounds kind of cool, a true homage to the zombie flick that started it all, only thing is, it isn’t. It’s a horrible film that should be buried in a heap of trash, no, that’s actually a little too nice, it’s a horrible film that should be poisoned, beaten, shot, stabbed, castrated, and ultimately burnt to a nearly unrecognizable shape. It’s almost like someone thought to themselves “What is the best way I can take a shit all over of Night of the Living Dead? I know, I’ll make a flick that looks bad, gives you a headache, takes no talent, and can make a quick buck off of those unlucky enough to watch it.”

If the above statement doesn’t explain how much I hate this trash than I don’t know what could except saying that I used my copy for target practice. I had to pay to watch this horrendous joke on mankind and rather than try and sell it somewhere else I thought my time was better spent destroying both disc and case in the hopes that I may spare one unlucky soul from having to watch it. When a zombie is looking out for mankind, you know things are really bad. I guess now that I’ve ranted about how bad it is I should explain why. Yeah, the ranting should come after, but I just couldn’t help myself, I’m not entirely sure but I’m pretty damn confident I was foaming at the mouth the entire time this thing was playing.

Let’s get down to the heart of the matter, the reproductions of the original scenes. There is one word that comes to mind each time I think about this garbage…lazy. That’s the best way to describe it, so fucking lazy Winne the Pooh would feel offended by how little was done, most of the “original” scenes are things even Robot Chicken would shy away from they’re that bad. Let’s go down the list of the different “creativities” used to produce such a joke.

  • The Claymation: Tim Burton would crawl into a ball and cry if he saw so many horrible things done to Claymation. Gumby was a hundred times better than anything these no talent hacks can produce.
  • The Animation: Animation might be a bad way to put it, these scenes are only animation in the fact that they’re hand drawn. My four year old niece draws better than these jackasses. I made better flip books out of boredom than these people could even hope to draw and I can’t draw worth shit. My flip books either show stick figures murdering each other or boning one another and they’re still more well done.
  • Toy Stop Motion: I made a film once in fifth grade that involved my toys fighting one another, even being able to see my hands the entire film, it still came out better
  • Multi-Colored “We wish we could use acid as an excuse” sections: Fuck if I know, these were just bad, not sure what the hell the point was for these sections. They’re just scenes from the original with weird colors added in for no reason I can think of personally.

There are a few other styles that I can’t even describe but they’re bad none the less. It was like they didn’t even try, they just said “Fuck it” and ran head long into traffic hoping no cars would see them. Guess what? I saw you assholes and I’d be aiming for you if I wasn’t afraid of getting my car messy. Every person involved with this film should be ashamed of themselves for not even trying to make a great homage to a great film. I might be able to give these filmmakers the benefit of the doubt and say they at least tried but there is no way in hell anyone could put this kind of trash out and still think they tried. There is just no way.

I don’t know who Count Gore de Vol is but he’s the host for this piece of shit. I’m not going to say too much about him because other than this film I’d never heard of him but I have to assume he’s some kind of a big deal if he introduced the film, the one thing I will say is this, there is no way he actually watched it first. No self-respecting horror fan would ever endorse this thing, most would probably straight up piss on it.

After suffering thorough a headache only the worst of hangovers can give you I will say this, “PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT EXISTS DO NOT GIVE THIS GARBAGE A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME”. I am doing this to save all of you the worst movie watching experience of your lifetime. Shit, I’m going to go watch Howard the Duck just to get centered. Does that say enough?

 

 

The Undead Review

 

This is normally the part where I give a little bit of info about who made this film: who directed, who starred, who released. I’m not going to that this time. The fact is, no one responsible for this atrocity deserves to have their names repeated. I can’t help but say that I hope everyone involved never gets their hands on another film again without a good, long hard look at their lives.

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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