Zombie Strippers

ZS1

In the not too distant future a zombie virus is released into the world…via a strip club where the undead strippers manage to become the hottest thing in hell.

Okay, I’m not going to lie, I like strippers, I mean I really, really like strippers; call me weird, but there is something about a woman shaking her ta-tas in my face that just gets my undead juices flowing. I’ve told you time and time again, undead or not, a guy is still a guy, and if there is one thing every guy who happens to like girls can agree on it’s this: tits are amazing in every way, shape, or size. It’s kind of like the old saying “90% of men love strippers…10% just lie about it”. I make it a personal policy to never bite this world’s exotic dancers either, they have it tough enough you know, plus, considering the type of strip clubs I can actually afford, I’m afraid I might catch something if I did.

Our terrible attempt at humor begins with a slightly futuristic news channel’s coverage of George W. Bush winning his 4th term and the global war he has started, a war that has nearly destroyed our entire armed forces. Because of this shortage the army is researching a way to reanimate our dead soldiers to keep up the fight, something the news assures us is under perfect safety protocols. This is where the news ends and we get a glimpse of the actual test facility where all hell has broken loose and the dead are overrunning the lab. A special unit of soldiers is called in to deal with the situation and retake the lab, but in the process one of their number is bitten. The bitten man runs away and escapes the easily escapable top secret lab rather than face execution. He runs to the building next door which just so happens to be a strip club, yes there is a strip club right next to the top secret research lab. We are then shown scene after scene of strippers stripping before the movie actually continues (sorry, I like watching girls get naked just as much as the next guy, but come on, if I wanted to watch this I’d rent a Girls Gone Wild video) and our bitten soldier bites one of the strippers (Jenna Jameson) who reanimates herself only a short while later. It turns out that the virus only turns males into mindless undead, females can retain their abilities, they still have the desire to consume the flesh of the living but become stirpaholics as well for some dumb reason. Yeah, once bitten the girls have a strong desire to dance on stage, and when Miss Jameson comes back to life, it’s the first thing she does, something that tantalizes every man in the joint. Yep, even with a huge gaping hole in her neck, the men get all excited. Hey, I didn’t write the damn movie, I’m just recounting what the film’s about, but you know what, I’m just going to stop anyway. It only gets worse from here so there is no reason to pain you any further, and trust me when I say that it really does get worse and every time you think it just can’t possibly get any worse it goes and proves you wrong.

ZS7

{On the plus side, zombie catfights are just the best}

For instance, our strippers continue to rot as the film progresses, becoming little more than horrendous looking, decomposing ghouls and yet the strip club’s patrons seem to get more and more excited as the ladies become more and more decayed. Are you serious? Who in their right mind other than a necrophiliac would be turned on by dancing dead girls? I’m a zombie and even I have standards. Sorry my undead sisters, but if part of your face has already come off, don’t expect your number to be among the others in my little black book. I know it’s a little superficial, well ok, it’s a lot superficial, but it’s just my thing, I like hot chicks…go figure. I also love how an underground strip joint (they are illegal for Bush’s 4th term) is located next to one of the most high tech government facilities in the country. This is the place where they are supposed to be creating a virus to save America from its rapid troop loss and no one thought to check out the building right next door. Really? In fact, why is this research lab in the middle of the city in the first place? I’m not kidding, it’s in the middle of a city in a poorly guarded abandoned warehouse where there are actually stairs that lead right up to the roof and some easily accessible ceiling vents. The story for this one is just plain bad anyways, but the terrible writing makes it even worse, then again, what did I expect from a movie with the title Zombie Strippers.

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{Yeah, not with a ten foot pole, get it, strippers, poles, come on, that’s comedy gold}

Let’s move on to the awesome acting. Wait, did I say awesome? I meant the opposite of awesome, I just can’t think of the word right now. God Awful…no, that’s not it, what about horrendous…no, I already used that one once, maybe it was absolute fucking shit…no even that seems too nice a description. Let’s just put this way, you know that one guy at the office with the squeaky chair he refuses to fix? Well, I would rather listen to that for a day than watch what passes for acting in this movie for another minute. I would rather watch a serious drama starring Nicolas Cage and Steven Segal than disgrace my DVD player with this movie ever again. With the exception of Robert Englund (why he chose to be in this movie I will never understand, I guess paychecks must be getting few and far between) there is no one who even comes off as half way decent. Even the zombies suck as zombies; they all look like they just don’t want to there. That’s a pretty good way to describe it every actor in the film, everyone in this film looks like they just don’t want to be there. The film’s worst actors next to the lazy zombies are the group of soldiers sent in to clean up the zombie menace. They are over the top in a bad way and (much like the story) are just poorly written. Of course, even if they had been written well it wouldn’t have much mattered, not with acting this bad, you should see the “fight” scenes. They had to be drunk while they were doing these, they don’t even look like they’re fighting, but more like they’re falling over each other. It’s funny that the one person who rises to this shit pile while remaining firmly a part of it is Jenna Jameson. Yeah, she acts better than the rest of the lot (porn is apparently really good practice).

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{You broke my heart Robert, broke it right in two}

You can pretty much rest assured that a movie with this much already wrong with it would have terrible, cheap, and very lazy effects…you would be right, so let’s just move on because this was not as annoying as the thing that firmly placed this movie in the same category as the black plague, the humor. The humor in this movie is bad, I mean beyond slapstick bad. Whoever wrote these jokes is obviously a moron and should be banned from ever being able to be involved in any other movie again. This bad humor was the worst thing about the movie and managed to make watching it more akin to having to sit in hell for an hour and a half, just more uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong, there were a couple things that got me to laugh, but they were always, ALWAYS, abruptly ended by the next joke. Take the beginning news footage as an example, hearing about George W. Bush’s 4th term was kind of funny, but daughter Jenna Bush and her “party hearty” Supreme Court was just dumb. The fighting wars all over the world segment was pretty funny, but was quickly ruined by the “Jeb Bush Voting Machine” bit, it was just dumb. Even one part that could have been great because it’s never addressed in horror movies was ruined because of the bad jokes following it. There is one scene where the group finds a gun locker and suddenly look around at each other before asking if anyone actually knows how to use a gun. I thought that was kind of funny because you never see that in zombie flicks, people just pick up the gun and fire away as if it was nothing, but immediately after this are several really, really, really, bad jokes that just make you want to stab your eardrums with a rusty needle.

ZS6

{When the stripper grinding on you has a face covered in blood and this fact doesn’t bother you, might be a good time to rethink your life}

There is absolutely no reason to watch this crappy flick. I don’t care if you just want to see Jenna Jameson strip for half of a movie; go rent one of her many adult films, but whatever you do, do not watch this piece of garbage. I’m sure they were hoping adding a porn star to their film would make everyone forget how much it sucks. Well for this zombie it didn’t work. This movie deserves to be at the bottom of dumpster and nowhere else.

 

The Undead Review

 

 

Directed By: Jay Lee (The Slaughter, New World Order)

Starring: Jenna Jameson (Do I really need to tell you what the queen of porn has been in?), Robert Englund (yes, Freddy Krueger himself), Roxy Saint (okay, this adult star I could forgive you for not knowing about), and Penny Drake (Dreamkiller, Necrosis)

Released By: Sony Pictures Entertainment and Stage 6

Release Year: 2008

Release Type: Straight to Video

MPAA Rating: Rated R

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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