Can you believe what my handler said about me the last time? The bad joke comment? Yeah, I saw it. What, did you think I wasn’t going to read my editorial after it was posted? I saw what you said, Mr. Suit and Tie and though you may think I’m under your thumb with the help of your evil ninjas, you haven’t learned anything yet. We zombies are a proud race and we refuse to be slaves, I for one will not stand for it. The union will hear of your mocking of our race, and I don’t imagine you’re going to like the consequences they have in mind. No, I really don’t, you’re going to pay and…what’s that…yes sir, I’ll get back to work right now.
Here yet again is your favorite zombie on the street, ready to school you on the ins and outs of what it’s like to be a member of the living dead in a world populated mainly by the living. Our subject today is one many people have probably never heard of and it’s the Zombie Union. I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself that there’s no way a mindless flesh eater could possibly have a union dedicated solely to their kind. Have you ever considered that it is a “mindless flesh eater” that is currently letting you in on the secrets of our world? A “stupid rotting corpse” that is typing on a freaking computer? A “shell of what once was” that manages to post his editorials week after week over the internet? Of course not, no one ever does; I’ve heard these insults and more in my undead life (is that an oxymoron). Do you have any idea how hard it is to type these things out? No, is that what you said? I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you right; did you say “I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t realize you weren’t a total moron”? Yeah, that’s what I thought you said, so why don’t we just discuss the Zombie Union without your unnecessary interruptions. I swear everyone is a lifeist these days, so prejudice against those of the living impaired. My union (Zombie Local 233) has been fighting that prejudice for decades but it’s kind of hard to get your point across when you keep biting those debating against you.
The first thing I have to tell you is the thing that shocks everyone and it’s our union dues. I’ve had the “fun” privilege of discussing this with a few other people and one of the first questions that come up is always “So what, are your union dues like human hearts hahaha”. There’s always that laugh too, as if it was the funniest thing they had ever thought of in their meat sack existence. No, it’s not human hearts, nor is it any other type of body part for your information. It’s the same thing every other type of union demands…cold, hard cash. I know it’s kind of weird but that’s what they want. Have you ever seen a zombie with a job? I imagine you haven’t, it’s more than a little difficult to get a steady job when you keep eating the customers. We have to sink to taking the money from our meals. You have no idea how humiliating it is to steal from the dead. It’s even worse if we don’t eat enough of the victim to keep that person from coming back. It’s bad enough you just killed them, but then they reach into their pockets and realize all their money is gone. It’s like “Thanks for killing me dude, at least I still have cash in my pocket….oh son of a bitch.”, but they’ll understand soon enough when they try to get through the union doors. It might not be so bad if zombies were good liars, but we really suck when it comes to making stuff up. No imagination in our kind whatsoever, not sure why, but it is what is. That’s why you won’t be seeing any zombies trapping their human prey. No, we just meander around until we come close enough to bite and then wham, we pounce, well, not really pounce but more like just grab and eat, but pounce sounds so much better.
It’s not hard to join up either, just die and come back as one of us. Yep, it’s that simple, there isn’t a single other requirement besides being a member of the living dead. Not just any old living dead though, to join a Zombie Union you would obviously have to be a zombie. You walk into one of our union halls as a vampire and you’re not getting in, beside they have their own unions so why try to join one of ours. Before you ask, no, they don’t pay in blood either; they have the same payments we do, cash. People tend to think becoming something other than human takes away from the emotions you felt while being human; trust me when I say this is not the case. It doesn’t matter if you’re living or dead, or a hairy man beast who goes a little nuts at the full moon (yes, they have unions too), greed is greed and if someone can find a niche in anything that will make them money, they’ll take it, thus undead union halls.
So why do we join them if they’re just run by greedy zombies looking to make a quick buck? Well, they do offer a few benefits that make it worthwhile to sign up for the money grubbing undead wealth mongers who usually happen to be former CEOs. I guess the same greed that made them wonderful heads of their perspective companies also make them wonderful additions to union management…go figure. So what are these supposed benefits that would make someone like myself join up? There are actually a few good reasons and one of these shows that zombies have hearts too…even if they aren’t still beating.
The first reason you need to know about (because it shows we aren’t the uncaring monsters you portray us out to be) is the help the union gives to those undead who are nearly incapable of getting their own meals. You know, the ones who are missing half a body, or both their arms, or maybe just happen to be rotted to the point they can barely function, or have lost their entire legs and let me tell you, zombies do not work very well in wheelchairs, though I have to admit, it is pretty funny to watch. We all pay our union dues and poor Mr. or Mrs. Zombie gets to eat even though he or she can’t actually catch their meals. Yeah, it’s true zombies don’t have to eat to stay alive but we get really cranky when we haven’t had a meal in a while, and a cranky zombie is one annoying creature. They just keep whining and whining and whining. Okay, so whatever, we don’t really give out of the kindness of our hearts but just to shut them up, either way we at least give so back off.
The second reason I’ve never understood to be honest, zombie unions are supposed to lobby for us up on Capitol Hill. Yeah, you read that right, they fight on our behalf with the government. I have absolutely no idea what they fight for since I can’t see the U.S. Government suddenly deciding that shambling ghouls who like to eat people are A-Okay with them, but it’s right there in the union charter. There’s always the popular zombie conspiracy theory that they get paid off to make sure there are never too many of us, but I’m not sure if that’s true or not (zombies have their own conspiracy nuts). I also don’t buy that garbage about Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster either, look I’m a creature that would know if something like that existed, and no, I am not just saying they don’t exist because either one is paying me to say so…I promise.
The third reason zombies join up with a union are the damage control centers. The union halls have centers where you can go if you get damaged and need yourself some much needed repairing. They do an amazing job too; it’s more art than surgery. I had my arm ripped off trying to eat a marine one time (let’s just say these guys are really well trained) and the repair center fixed it up good as new. Seriously, you can’t even tell anymore that it was ever ripped off in the first place. There are a million things that can damage a zombie and thankfully these guys can fix most of them, not everything, but most things.
The biggest reason we zombies choose to join up with a greedy union is actually very simple, companionship. You living seem to abhor us so much just because we always try and eat you that we can get lonely from time to time. What, just because we’re undead means we can’t be lonely, we can’t want to just chill with some likeminded individuals? It’s kind of like our social club. We pretty much retain our personalities after we die so it’s not like you can just walk up to another zombie and instantaneously become friends with them. Living or dead, if personalities clash too much you still aren’t going to like each other. That’s why we go to the union meeting halls and chat other zombies up, maybe even take home a little zombie love thang if we’re lucky (I will not for the sake of propriety go any further into that one).
The last reason I can’t tell you. I’m sorry, but zombies have to have their secrets and that’s one I just can’t give away. It’s bad enough I give you a zombie’s outlook on life and I’m sure this piece in particular is going to get me hell down at the hall, so this in one thing you’re just going to have to imagine, though if I were you I wouldn’t try.
Anyways, that about wraps it up for this week, tune in next when I give up a few more secrets, maybe undead hearing would be a good one. Until then this is your unfriendly neighborhood zombie signing out.