Retardead

RE1

The dreaded wienie wagger, a fecal monster, and a bunch of mentally deficient zombies all add up to one of the dumbest movies to grace zombie cinema.

There are a rare, rare, rare few times when even I find a film offensive. It doesn’t happen very often, in fact it’s something so rare as to be considered nearly momentous. Retardead is that film. I love humor that pushes the limit, the late comedian Lenny Bruce is one of my heroes because of his willingness to stand up and say whatever the hell he felt like saying, but if you’re going to say something offensive in the name of comedy you better damn well make sure it’s actually funny. I fully believe that if the world quit being so uptight and actually learned to laugh at itself it would be a much better place, but that world is a long way off while idiots like these keep writing movie scripts.

Our film begins with a little girl having a nightmare. The resulting scream brings her father rushing into the room. Here, the little girl begins to recount the tale of her nocturnal terror to dear ole’ dad, a terror that actually began in a previous dream where the evil Dr. Stern created a monster comprised entirely of shit, literally a monster made up of nothing other than human feces. I guess Retardead (and I was unaware of this going in) is actually a sequel to a film called Monsturd, the film in which we got to see Dr. Stern creating his monster mess before being defeated by the town sheriff. I can’t tell you if the original film featured the same little girl describing everything as if it were all her dream, but that’s the format for this one, so while she begins her story at Dr. Stern’s escape through the sewers, we change scenes from her bedroom to the manhole the evil doctor is using for his way out. While the cops search for the missing Stern, the man himself manages to quickly find work at the local special education school where they apparently hire anyone right off the street. He quickly begins his experiments once again; only instead of focusing on human waste, he turns his attentions toward his special needs students. He concocts a formula that makes the students much more intelligent, turning them from mentally handicapped to genius. Now mind you, just last night he was running through the sewers escaping a statewide manhunt, but in only a day has nabbed a job handling extremely vulnerable kids whom he’s already managed to begin treating with his formula. It must be this speed which causes Dr. Stern to miss that his formula has a very nasty side effect, after only a few treatments it turns the kids into flesh hungry zombies who begin infecting the surrounding town. Before long good and evil must join forces to defeat the zombie menace when it becomes clear to the law that the only one who can save the town is their archenemies Dr. Stern.

RE3

{Lord knows these idiots aren’t going to do anything}

Poop Monster? There was a movie before this all about a poop monster? This movie was bad enough, I can’t imagine how bad the one before it was, and there is no way in hell I’m going to waste my time finding out. Retardead is literally one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, ridiculous, poorly made, and poorly written. Every time I watch a movie this bad I am always amazed that someone really thought they had a film people were going to like or even be okay with. That someone could put so little effort into a film and expect it to fly is not only insulting to the fan but a downright slap in the face as well. If someone tries to make a great flick and it just doesn’t work that’s one thing, that I can almost (reiterate almost) forgive, but when a film like this comes along that showcases a severe lack of any effort, a film made with such laziness as to personify sloth, I make it a personal mission to do everything in my power to let as many people as I possibly can know. The hope is that once word spreads far enough, those responsible will either have to actually put effort into a following project or step away from the world of cinema for good. Retardead has so much wrong with it that my job is really already done, no one in their right mind would give financial support to the men who made this piece of garbage.

RE6

{The fact that this is a major plot point says it all}

If the story itself doesn’t tell you enough about how bad the writing is than I don’t know what will, but I can give you a couple more examples to try. Let’s start out with the never ending zombie film references, as if throwing out a name drop every couple minutes would make viewers believe they were watching something that must have been made by a zombie enthusiast, therefore it must be a great zombie flick despite all the evidence contrary. There’s also the unbelievingly bad dialogue, actually, calling it dialogue is almost giving them too much credit, it’s more just a series of bad jokes strung together in the hopes of shocking the audience into a laugh. Of course, with actors this bad even the best of dialogue would have likely come out poor anyway. Lastly, the whole movie, much like its dialogue, is just a bad joke, growing ever more ridiculous as the movie rolls along. There are poop monsters, there are undead retards, there’s a guy intent on jerking off in front of everyone in town, not to mention the whole bit about Dr. Stern’s job acquisition, oh, and one of the absolute dumbest scenes in zombie history, a bunch of “sexy” and scantily clad undead women dancing around Dr. Stern for five minutes before devouring him, the scene doesn’t seem to want to end.

RE2

{Being undead apparently just makes you want to do sexy dances in Retardead’s universe}

The effects and makeup are what one would expect from a film of this caliber; they look horrible, like something made from a Dollar Tree’s inventory. There are parts in this movie when I had to wonder how they really thought what they were doing was going to be even remotely considered okay. Then again, they didn’t even bother to make sure the audio was acceptable, you will be forced to turn your T.V. all the way up one minute only to have your eardrums blasted out when the volume shoots up only a moment later. It gets annoying fast, but since you don’t need to hear anything that’s said, I guess this complaint doesn’t matter. If you choose to watch this, just keep the volume down and maybe not being able to hear them speak for the most part will make it a better movie.

RE5

{You really don’t want to hear them}

If I haven’t convinced you of what a piece of absolute garbage this movie is just yet that I don’t know how. Go ahead and take your chances anyway, just don’t come to me when you want that hour and a half of your life back.

 

 

The Undead Review

 

 

Directed By: Rick Popko (Monsturd) and Dan West (Monsturd)

Starring: Rick Popko (Monsturd), Tony Adams, and Dan Burr (Monsturd, Rectuma), with a special appearance by Dead Kennedys front man Jello Biafra

Released By: 4321 Films

Release Year: 2008

Release Type: Straight to Video

MPAA Rating: Not Rated

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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