The Dead Undead

DU1

What happens when you combine Mad Cow Disease (otherwise known as the “Zombie Disease” here) and Vampirism? A horrible movie that proves ten year olds do occasionally write film scripts.

Vampires that turn into zombies because of Mad Cow Disease? Huh? Yeah, I really don’t know what to say here. This is usually my opportunity to bitch about something or other but for the first time in my life, I’ve been rendered speechless. I sat here and thought about what it was I could say; maybe something about how vampires and zombies don’t mix well or how turning zombies into vampires that chose the wrong cow to drink from is the most retarded thing I’ve seen since having to interview our Special Ed class back in High School, but nothing I could ever say would make up for having to watch this absolute piece of urine soaked garbage. As this is the case, I guess I’ll just move on and get to the review.

Our film of the evening begins with five twenty-something year old kids checking into a motel after their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere (luckily for them the car breaks down right next to said hotel). Unfortunately this hotel isn’t really in the middle of nowhere, it’s actually located near America’s premier vampire town (only instead of a cool Dusk Till Dawn kind of set up, these vampires are the whiney “We don’t drink human blood” type). You didn’t know there was a vampire only town in America? Don’t worry, very few are privy to this information (you have to whimper and plead a lot before someone will tell you). This might not be a problem normally since these vampires are essentially the hippie versions of the vampire community, but these vampires are facing a disaster. Members of their town are turning into zombies and when our useless, I mean uninformed, kids show up, they must face a group of these vampire zombies (Vombies?). Thankfully, a group of vampires show up armed to the teeth and ready to deal with this new menace. What’s left of the small group of kids join forces with the vamp commandos (led by fan favorite Luke Goss) and find out that this whole thing is the result of Mad Cow Disease. See, these modern, educated vampires don’t drink human blood, they drink cow blood and when one of their kind drinks the blood of a cow infected with Mad Cow (am I the only one who pictures Godzilla-like cows at hearing that term) a cascade of events occurs and vampire after vampire ends up crazed and ready to eat anything. As the…you know what, fuck it, I’m going to stop describing this thing here. If the fact that these “zombies” are just vampires inflicted with Mad Cow doesn’t tell you how much this movie sucks fat, diseased, donkey balls, I don’t know what will. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to try anyway.

DU3

{Either vampire commandos or members of the Michigan Militia}

I’m not even sure where to begin describing how awful this movie is. Sure, the plot outline says enough in itself but that’s not even the worst from this “film” (I use quotations because I can’t even get myself to actually call this a film, a bad joke, maybe, but a film…no way). I guess I can start with the story since you’ve already heard the spectacularly dumb plotline. Mad Cow people…really? Mad Cow was the best they could come up with for this piece of garbage, not just Mad Cow but Mad Cow that causes vampires to turn into zombies. The biggest question I have from this ridiculousness is “Where did the writers get their weed?” You would have to be smoking some serious Ganja to think this crap was going to fly; no intelligent, non-intoxicated person would think this was going to be okay. The type of people not stoned out of their minds would have immediately thought “This is retarded” (there is a reason people don’t partake of the Icky Sticky when coming up with ideas). Let me give you a few great examples of how wrecked these people must have been while writing the script.

-The premise itself is problem number one. This movie describes its storyline as a battle between vampires and zombies; only, there really aren’t any zombies in this thing. These are mutated vampires driven crazy by the same disease vegans use to convince us meat is bad. This is NOT a vampire vs. zombie scenario but a vampire vs. crazy vampire scenario. Two completely different things.

-Then there is the ammo shortage present throughout the film. Supposedly the vampire commando squad is running out of ammo, the only thing is they fire like extras in an Arnold Schwarzenegger film. The entire freaking film they bitch and complain about their dwindling ammunition all while needlessly wasting it. That would be bad enough but after listening to one character after another constantly complaining about the shortage, the ammo makes it through the movie just fine.

-In the beginning of the film the vampire commandos talk about being inoculated against Mad Cow disease (yeah, this movie is really dumb) but only moments later a member of the group turns into a crazed vampire anyway (I’m not calling them zombies anymore). Too make it even worse, the first commando to turn wasn’t the last, others follow suit. To make it even worse than that, an inoculation is completely pointless because at the end of the movie {SPOILER ALERT} every vampire that has been killed can be brought back to life with a little magic and a drop of their own, uninfected blood, blood each one of them gave a sample of before going out in the field.

I could go on and on with other examples (like how the supposedly well trained commando with a scoped 50. Cal manages to miss targets only a couple hundred feet away or less while perched on a freaking roof). Remember those old antidrug commercials, the ones were some chick smashed an egg and said “This is your brain on drugs”, well they could have just forced people to watch this joke gone bad and it probably would have worked better. Just offer up the explanation that this is what you do when you’re an addict and BAM, tons of drug free kids.

DU2

{Sadly it was far too late for these people}

It gets worse too, the effects are terrible, below subpar, the actors can’t act, the dialogue is annoying (I actually yelled at the characters to shut up), and then there’s the action. The so called directors are both former stuntman so there’s a lot of action, action that was filled with horrible stunts, for being former stuntman they don’t seem to know anything about stunts. People fall without being shot, punches don’t connect, and every fight scene looks like awful. Best of all, a blow from a sword powerful enough to send a person flying a good distance away will only slice their chest, not, you know, CUT THEM THE FUCK IN HALF.

DU6

{I was trying to find a picture of Luke Goss in this flick but it’s been difficult to find one so instead, here’s one of him as a fairy king, or elf king, whatever he was in that movie}

There are two things that stopped me from seeking out and destroying every copy of this thing ever made and it’s only one line in the entire film and the performance of one actor who manages to stand about the rest despite their seemingly desperate attempts to ruin it for him entirely. At a certain point in this piece of trash jokingly referred to as a movie, a human who joins up with the commandos is given a shotgun which he promptly cocks because that’s what everyone with a shotgun does in any film involving one. Right after he cocks it, one of the vamps says to himself “Why do they always do that?” It may be a tiny thing, and it only nets a tiny bit gratitude for being included, but the whole cocking a shotgun thing pisses me off every time I see it done in a movie before someone actually fires the damn thing. Cocking a shotgun before it’s been fired does nothing but waste a perfectly good shell, there is absolutely no reason to do it other than trying to look cool.  The only other redeeming quality was Goss’s performance, but the other actors do such a shit job it’s not hugely redeeming.

DU7

{I’m getting warmer, I’ve managed to track down Goss as a vampire or some kind of vampire thing…what the fuck was Blade 2 about again}

I was going to say something about the end of this movie as well, another spoiler alert but as I sat down to write it out I suddenly realized that I have no fucking clue how this movie ended, literally no idea what the hell happened. Something about a super vampire and magic blood from the first vampire who was reincarnated in the movie’s hero (Luke Goss) thanks to an old, old, old vampire trainer and the particular reincarnated vampire’s love for a human…or something. I honestly don’t know. Just the icing on the cake for how much this movie sucks.

DU4

{Okay, this is for sure Goss as vampire Jesus, savior to the Mad Cow infected vamps, though he looks fairly confused so I might still be wrong}

If I haven’t convinced you yet that this is one movie you want to stay far, far, far away from, take a chance. I’ll just take this opportunity to say it now if you do, “I told you so.”

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: Matthew R. Anderson and Edward Conna

Starring: Matthew R. Anderson, Edward Conna, Laura Chinn (Warrior, The Adjustment Bureau), and Luke Goss (Blade 2, Hellboy 2)

Released By: 2nd Chance Productions

Release Year: 2010

Release Type: Straight to Video

MPAA Rating: Rated R

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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