Darklight

Darklight1

When God created Adam, Eve wasn’t his first wife. Instead God created Lilith to be Adam’s consort but when she rebelled, God cursed her with demonic immortality. Now, millennia later, a scientist has used her blood to make himself immortal and it’s up to a secret religious order known as The Faith to stop him.

I always loved the Hebrew story of Lilith, essentially one of the very first vampire stories. Supposedly, Lilith and Adam were created at the same time but I don’t think that’s how it actually happened. I just don’t see God really wanting to put one single man and one single woman in charge of the major decisions that come with being the first of anything created (the two genders can’t even decide on where to get dinner on a Friday night for fuck’s sake). Here’s how I think it happened. God had the idea of man and woman in his head but wasn’t sure which to create first so he just kind of rolled the dice and it landed on man, so poof, Adam. Adam’s feeling a little lonely after being created by God, it is just him after all so it’s a totally understandable feeling. He wakes up from nothingness and has to spend all his time naming every plant and animal that’s just come into existence next to him and he has to do it all by his lonesome. The plants I’m sure didn’t bug him too much but I think it was the animals that must has gotten to him. Since all these creatures had just been created there had to have been some major fucking that was going on, and going on constantly, but while the animals got to fuck each other to sleep each night, poor Adam is left to wonder why the hell God even gave him a wing dang doodle in the first place. I’m sure the conversation had to go something like this:

Adam: “Hey God, it’s me Adam, you know the first human you ever created.”

God: “Yes child. What is it?”

Adam: “Um, you know those one group of animals I decided to call mammals?”

God: “Yes child.”

Adam: “Well, the version of them I decided to call male has this protrusion coming out from underneath them that looks really similar to something that I have.”

God: “Um, yes, they um, it is kind of similar.”

Adam: “Well, when they place it…”

God: “Yes, I know what they do with it. What’s your question?”

Adam: “Well, it kind of looks like they enjoy it and it really seems to help the males sleep at night.”

God: “Um, I, yes they enjoy it. Still not seeing the question.”

Adam: “God.”

God: “Yes Adam.”

Adam: “What do I do with my wing dang doodle?”

Okay, I’m pretty sure that’s not really what Adam called it but I’m trying not to get vulgar here for fuck’s sake. What I am sure of however is that night was both the very first instance of the dreaded “Sex Talk” and what led to the creation of Lilith, Adam’s first wife. She unfortunately had the very bitchy tendency to want to eat her children so God said “Out” and we got the much more submissive Eve while Lilith went to become the very first Hebrew blood drinker ( I have to clarify it with Hebrew because there were other versions in ancient civilizations as well, some older). You might be asking yourself why I went so long with that before starting the actual review. Truthfully, no reason, Darklight is just a terrible fucking movie and I amused myself while it was playing thinking of the above conversation. Plus I had to add some fluff since the rest of this review will focus on variations of “This movie sucks.”

Our film begins with an introduction to The Faith, a group of priests (or something similar, not really sure) who have been hunting Lilith for some never disclosed amount of time and have finally brought her down…or so you thought (or really didn’t if you’ve ever seen a horrible made for TV horror movie). Three years later, Anders Raeborne (David Hewlett of Stargate: Atlantis fame) injects himself with a serum made from her blood (you’re somehow not supposed to know that yet, but again, bad made for TV horror movie, it’s fairly obvious) and becomes a demonic vampire. A mysterious man in the shadows (John De Lance of Star Trek: The Next Generation fame) orders the newly born demon to track her down (you’re not supposed to know it’s his character yet either but if you’ve ever seen an episode of Star Trek: TNG with Q in it you’ll recognize his voice in a heartbeat, especially since they showed him only two fucking minutes prior). Switch scenes and a mysterious woman is searching for her forgotten past (Shiri Appleby of Roswell “kind” of fame). She receives a mystical book and begins to discover her hidden powers (somehow you’re not supposed to know this is an amnesiac Lilith but since you have more than two fucking brain cells you can figure it out). After that I got kind of lost, something about Q wanting Rodney McKay to bring about the apocalypse and Lilith trying to stop him on a quest for redemption because the church brainwashed her for some reason. Also, the gruff soldier from Starship Troopers 2 has to protect Lilith even though he gets his ass kicked rather easily. Also, Lilith can apparently turn into The Guyver.

Darklight2

{The Guyver plus the werewolves from Underworld}

This is one of the flicks that popped up on Netflix and I just said “What the fuck, why not?” I wish I had not bothered (though at least my folly saves you an hour and a half of your lives). Seriously, if this movie puts a gun to your head and demands that you watch it just take the bullet, at least your pain will be over quickly. There is nothing good here.

I know what you’re thinking because I thought it too: “But it’s got Q and Doctor Rodney McKay, it’s got to be worth watching.” It’s not. The both of them embarrass themselves by participating in this flick. I can’t say I blame Q, it’s not like he’s had an illustrious acting career outside of being, well Q, but god damn David Hewlett for being in it. Not only was he the main reason I watched Stargate: Atlantis but he’s proven his talent time and time again (he was awesome in the first Cube). The absolute worst though is Shiri Appleby. I know that cardboard cutout Kristen Stewart gets a lot of flak for being such a terrible actress (and make no mistake, she totally is) but Miss Appleby’s acting isn’t much better. I never really watched Roswell and after seeing her in Darklight I’m really happy about that fact. The acting in this movie just downright sucks a donkey’s undercarriage if you know what I mean.

Darklight3

{Not even the great Rodney McKay with a crossbow can save this film}

The effects are pretty bad for a 1980’s made for TV movie, for one made in 2004 they’re damn near unforgivable. I’m guessing the director set his ten year old son down in front of an outdated version of ROXIO and told him to make some movie magic. I’m also guessing the same ten year old was responsible for choreographing the fight scenes because I’ve seen drunks put on more daring martial arts acrobatics after our local bar closes down.

Darklight 5

{This happened once while drunk…true story}

The amount of things that don’t make sense in this film are astounding. People showing up when there is no way they could have been there, unnecessary flashbacks, a demonic disease that’s thrown in for no fucking reason later in the film, the world’s most poorly set up disease control center, a mad dash for the cure even after they have the cure in hand, and a whole host of other problems make this one of the most broken stories ever to grace the Sci-Fi Channel and it’s the Sci-Fi Channel we’re talking about here. I’d go further into why the story sucks so very, very, very much but I think I’ve already dedicated too much space on the internet to this piece of shit.

Darklight6

{This is honestly the best picture I could find of these fucking stupid looking things}

Just please, for the love of any deity you have ever prayed to do not watch this film. God his of herself hasn’t been this embarrassed about anything since the aforementioned sex talk.

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: Bill Platt

Starring: Shiri Appleby (Roswell, Swim Fan), Richard Burgi (Starship Troopers 2, The Sentinel), John de Lancie (he’s fucking Q, he’s been in other things sure, but he’ll always be Q, also, while checking into his film career, he’s also a voice on My Little Pony, Bronies don’t say I never did anything for you), and David Hewlett (Splice, Cube)

Released By: Unified Film Organization (UFO), Sci Fi Pictures, and Hammerhead Productions

Release Type: Made for TV

Release Year: 2004

MPAA Rating: Rated R

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
Image | This entry was posted in Movie Review and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s