Edges of Darkness

Edges1

Three interconnected tales set amid the backdrop of a world overrun by the undead. The first involving a child who may or may not be the son of the devil, the second involving an organic computer that needs live (or living) sources of power, and the third involves vampires trying to survive in a world with where few living humans remain.

Let me just start by saying that for a member of the walking dead such as myself, this movie is highly offensive. If you are going to make a zombie movie then make a fucking zombie movie. Don’t use my kind as a behind the scenes distraction to keep the audience from realizing they are watching a piece of cinematic trash. I’m not even sure what any of the stories had to do with a world overrun with walking death. There is a vague reference to Satan’s little kid (who seems pretty nice for the child of the most evil being in existence) having something to do with the zombies, but I know for a fact that we have very little to do with Satan. He just gets in the way with all his do this and do that plotting. He keeps trying to overthrow God and take over the planet while all we want to do is eat people. Just not a very good partnership.

This joke of a film anthology is set amongst a world that has fallen to the zombie apocalypse, a world where few members of the living remain. While there may be other survivors in this world, our movie focuses on three different sets:

 

  1. The first story is about a cardboard cutout of your typical bad ass loner chick trying to save a boy whom a group of priests believe to be the son of the devil. As the two attempt to fight off the priesthood, our loner becomes close to her new charge (I’m sure no one will see that coming).
  2. The second finds a computer nerd going through tech withdraw with his girlfriend (I think it’s his girlfriend anyway, they never really say one way or the other, and she seems there more as an afterthought than a character). Before he has a chance to break down completely, a mysterious package arrives containing a very odd looking battery, and before he’s even sure that’s what it is, he hooks it up to his computer in an excited frenzy. Unfortunately for him and his whatever that chick is supposed to be, the battery is revealed to be organic and it needs organic energy to stay powered, energy from plants, animals, and people.
  3. The last actually throws vampires into the mix with what could have actually been a decent story if it wasn’t ruined by stale acting and horrible dialogue. Two vampires are slowly starving as the blood they need to survive can only come from the living. Thankfully for the pair, they manage to trick a survivor into believing they’re both human, but the woman they bring into their home has a secret of her very own. This is the only story I really hope someone runs with in the future because I really think that fully fleshed out and done with some actual fucking talent it could be a good story.

Now get ready for a huge plot spoiler…you ready…nothing here can be spoiled because there isn’t anything to spoil. Not a single one of these stories ever actually goes anywhere. Not a single bit of anything is ever explained and each one just suddenly ends with a grand fuck you to the audience. No explanation of the child’s nature, no understanding behind the organic battery, and most frustrating, no reason for the woman’s mysterious abilities (her blood makes vampires sick, just going to throw it out there so you don’t get curious and utterly ruin an hour and a half of your life). Not a single fucking thing.

Edges3

{Short shorts = badass}

Once you are only a quarter of the way through (assuming you have the stomach for even that) you will realize that this movie is not going to be getting any better. I stayed for the whole thing hoping that at least I might get an explanation as to what was going on in each of the three stories. Surprise, surprise I didn’t even get that. It was obvious that our directors had no idea how to end these tales of supernatural mediocrity and just decided to wrap it up instead. Leaving the audience wondering might work for a decent movie, but if you are going to subject us to an hour and a half of garbage at least tell me why. While I wasted my time watching this I could have been out devouring the living. It would have been a much better use of my time. Actually come to think of it, just about anything would have been a much better use of my time.

Edges4

{Our vampire couple}

I’m sure you can guess from what I’ve already said that the story sucks the big one, how could it not with the writing of a 5th grader. Unfortunately it gets worse. On top of the bad story we also get amazingly bad acting and even worse make up and effects. I don’t think I can even come close to describing how bad the acting is but words that immediately come to mind are bland, forced, emotionless, and talentless. That should give you a pretty good idea. The absolute worst acting is from our loner heroine who manages to actually make Steven Segal look badass, I’ve seen better acting at a Kindergarten play. The effects are much easier to describe…shit, that’s really all I can say, shit. Not only are the effects terrible but the makeup is actually worse. The zombies (the few times we actually see any) look bad, the blood and guts look bad, and don’t even get me started on how bad the “organic computer” looks.

Edges2

{Our living battery looking for power}

I’m going to go on record and say that this is the absolute worst zombie film I have ever seen, maybe even one of the worst movies made period. Unless you have already seen every other movie in the history of filmmaking I would stay far, far, far, far, far away from this one.

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: Blaine Cade and Jason Horton (Trap, Rise of the Undead)

Starring: Alonzo F. Jones (Shelter: A Monster Movie, Trap), Shamika Ann Franklin (Pastor Jones 2: Lord Guide My 16 Year Old Daughter) and Annemarie Pazmino (On Bloody Sunday, Trinity)

Released By: Zapruter Productions and Anchor Bay Entertainment

Release Year: 2009

Release Type: Straight to Video

MPAA Rating: Not Rated

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
Image | This entry was posted in Movie Review and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s