Blood Monkeys

Blood M1

What happens when you traverse an unknown jungle full of smart killer primates? Exactly what you would expect to happen when you traverse an unknown jungle full of smart, killer primates, an instantaneous and vicious death.

This is one of those movies that people love to debate for reasons I still don’t understand. I saw an article when Blood Monkey was coming out about what it was that made horror fans so frightened of primates. From Congo to Monkey Shines, no animal seems to have the stopping power of a big (or small in Monkey Shines’ case) pissed off, ready to kill primate. The article (whose author I will leave unnamed for *cough cough* legal reasons and not because *cough cough* they’re an asshole) went in depth about why primates were dangerous to our psych, because they looked reminiscent of us, because they could be our ancient ancestors, even because they seemed to have emotions. I have a different theory why a big murderous primate scares us and it’s this: IT’S A BIG MURDEROUS FUCKING PRIMATE. Do I need a different reason to be fearful of an eight hundred pound gorilla running at me balls out with a hungry look on its face? Yeah, I don’t really need another reason to run as fast as I can away from such a beast in utter terror, but hey, that’s just me.

Our rumble in the jungle starts off with a group of researchers (at least I think their researchers, it’s not ever really specified) trapping a large beast we can only assume is the titular primate (scientific name Bloodimus Monkianus). Things don’t go as planned when the giant escapes and rips the small group to shreds. This leaves head research Professor Hamilton (F. Murray Abraham) without a team of peons to order around. Luckily for the dedicated professor, a new group of clueless recruits has just arrived fresh off the boat and they’re more than ready to be fed like the sacrificial lamb to our hungry antagonist. Luckily for us, we don’t have to wait too long for the mayhem to begin as the kids quickly end up on the proverbial chopping block, though more often than not this has more to do with the obsessed professor than it does the rampaging gorillas. As the group quickly realizes that their head researcher has lost his mind it becomes apparent that if they want out of this mess alive, they’re not only going to have to take on the professor, but a horde of killer monkeys that may just be a lot smarter than your average bear…err, monkey.

Blood M2

{This is what bad CGI shame looks like}

Imagine Congo with F. Murray Abraham replacing the character of Tim Curry, a group of really dumb collage kids replacing the trained people in the previous film, and smart badly generated CGI apes replacing the grey monsters in Congo. Other than that, it’s pretty much the same movie, although I did miss that cute little talking gorilla, you know the one with the arm thing that helped it vocalize its sign language, come on you know you wanted one. Dogs are great and I love my rotting, undead pooch to…umm…death, but a talking gorilla, now that’s the pet for me.

Blood M4

{Come on, look at that face and tell me you don’t want one}

Ok, this movie not entirely broken, but it could definitely use a tune up. The acting, for one thing, takes the movie down a couple notches. It’s not the worst I’ve seen, but it has to be up there. I know, I know, it’s a low budget flick, and what did I expect. How about just a little more effort to find actors that can act? Is that too much to ask? Bad acting is usually a little more excusable if the dialogue is at least well written and keeps your interest. I guess someone thought the formula was a little different, bad spoken lines plus bad acting talent equals great film. Yeah, not so much. With that being said, I can’t figure out how in the hell F. Murray Abraham ended up in this film. The guy is an amazing actor and my only guess is that this must have been a dare he lost. There is no other reasonable explanation for his presence, and I would love to know the dare that led to his being in Blood Monkey. The title alone should have sent him into a rage that ended in bloodied film producers and dissembled writers, so it had to be one hell of a dare.

Blood M3

{That is Abraham’s look of horrified shame that he was actually a part of this film}

Ok, so what about the monkeys? Do they improve upon an otherwise completely forgettable movie? Do they save what is otherwise destined to be a bargain DVD purchased only to shore up one leg of a kitchen table? The answer, quite simply, is no. You don’t really get to see the angry primates for most of the movie and when you do, it’s only a quick flash of bad CGI and a generic growl. Other than that, expect to use your imagination.

Blood M5

{Even this real gorilla is horrifically ashamed and he’s never even seen the movie}

The story isn’t bad, but it isn’t great either. It does at least keep the movie moving along, but you’re going to find yourself predicting most everything that happens long before it actually occurs. It’s just a little too predictable for my taste (refer to previous Congo reference, this film follows that plot with only a few differences).

All in all, Blood Monkey is pretty terrible, but had a couple of moments that managed to keep me from completely hating the film Still, there’s not enough here for me to recommend watching it. Just watch Congo again instead, I think you’ll be much happier.

 

The Undead Review

 

Directed By: Robert Young (Fierce Creatures, Hostage)

Starring: F. Murray Abraham (Thir13en Ghosts, Muppets from Space), Matt Ryan (Consenting Adults, Layer Cake), and Amy Manson (Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud, Marple: The Pale Horse)

Released By: Thai Occidental Productions and RHI Entertainment

Release Year: 2007

Release Type: Television Movie

MPAA Rating: TVMA

About The Undead Review

When I was alive I was an asshole and after I died remained pretty much the same, if not a little worse. You’d think becoming a member of the walking dead would mellow a person out, no more worrying about awkward small talk with people, no more having to be politically correct, and the entire world is your upright, bipedal buffet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun as hell to be a zombie, just somewhat irritating at times, especially those times you have to watch a lame movie or read a lame book. Thankfully, when I am forced to watch these films or read those books, I’ve got places like The Undead Review to bitch and moan to my heart’s content. {When he’s not devouring the living or sinking his teeth into a good film The Undead Review (Andy Taylor) spends his time writing his own stories or hunting down the paranormal. Oh, and did we mention his blind dog once saved the world?)
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